10 warning signs of an unhealthy relationship Part 3 of 6
Posted: March 23rd, 2009 | Author: admin | Filed under: Signs of an unhealthy relationship | Tags: Signs of unhealthy relationship part 3 of 6 |
10 warning signs of an unhealthy relationship- (Pt3/6Tutorial)
Two ways in which you significantly decrease your power within your relationship
If you remember from the previous post I gave you two warning signs of an unhealthy relationship. put link here. Today we’ll concentrate on the two ways in which you significantly decrease your power within your relationship- namely. Complaints and getting hurt
What this course is about
· Heightening your awareness to the signs of an unhealthy relationship so that you can understand why your relationship isn’t working.
· Helping you put into practice the things that work rescue a relationship.
· Each week we will look at two of the separate signs of an unhealthy relationship. By week 6 you will have all 12 signs of an unhealthy relationship and be able to use that knowledge to make the necessary changes.
Two ways in which you significantly decrease your power within your relationship
There is a lot written about letting go of our past hurts because they do nothing but hold us down, hold us back- and it’s true! If you are holding onto the past, what they said to you, how they said it, how much it hurt you and so on, then guess what- you will feel hurt in your present moment even though the situation happened a week ago, a month ago or even a year ago.
There are people who find it difficult to let go and it’s one of the signs that you are in an unhealthy relationship if you or your partner cannot just let go of the past hurts, because it will affect how you treat each other- and believe me, a wounded partner will not treat you well- not at all!
The dangers of thinking.
What you think about CAN hurt you.
To illustrate.
Thinking is our best skill- we do it better than any animal out there- we are the top dog in thinking stakes- and it’s this skill that CAN and does hurt you.
You see, what happens is that a situation occurs-he says something, you say something back, things get heated and feelings- yours- gets hurt. You become defensive and exhibit one of the other signs that you’re in an unhealthy relationship- you withdraw and become closed.
And the reason you become closed?
You start thinking about how things used to be. You start thinking of how you’d like things to be. You start thinking about how unfair life is because what you have now isn’t what you want. And every time you remember the past you feel hurt all over again. You feel the need to share how you feel with your friends and it brings up all those hurt feelings – again! And so it goes on.
Believe it or not- it’s your thinking that is hurting you- not the incident- that happened a week ago- that’s finished, but now you look at your partner with different eyes and those feelings just won’t go- or to be more accurate- you won’t let those feelings go.
And if every time you think about your partner it triggers these feelings- then you start treating them in a disrespectful manner. You stop caring about them and their feelings and think more about how to get even with them for hurting you. So you indulge in throwing more off hand remarks, and a tit for tat ensues. Things go from bad to worse.
And I’m not saying it’s your partners fault- and I’m not saying it’s your fault- blame doesn’t help. Just realise that if you or your partner is wounded- then you will not be able to be treated well, and you will find it difficult treat them well- those are the facts.
Understanding why complaints are a bad sign for your relationship
They say that in the UK we don’t complain enough and as a result we don’t get the level of customer service we deserve- that may or may not be true, but what is true is that if you do complain about what your partner doesn’t do- it’s not a good sign. In fact it shows that there are repressed hurts, resentments and hostility coming out via complaining.
Of course complaining about your partner isn’t a bad sign per se I mean complaining from a victim place where things don’t get resolved.
Now why may complain depends on:
· How much power you feel you have in the relationship- the power to make changes
· What happened in your past relationships- whether you were a victim and had to leave because things got so bad, or you were the victor and decided to leave because you knew you deserved to be treated better and that was what you were going to get. Or
· How much fear there is in your relationship- not the fear of your partner, ( contact the appropriate authorities in this case) but your fear of them leaving you for instance.
Now as a woman, I’m sure you’re aware that if you get a group of women together you will get someone complaining about their husband or boyfriend. He’s not done this, he doesn’t do that…. and other women will join in.
Harmless?
Normal ?
It’s like anything we do on a regular basis- it becomes normal but it doesn’t mean that it’s right.
If you complain and if you go around carrying past hurts- or worse still your partner deliberately sets out to hurt your feelings- then you know you are in an unhealthy relationship and maybe it’s time to do something to change things.
5 avoidance strategies you should know about
1. Stop remembering past hurts. Remember each time you remember how much they hurt you it makes you feel worse. Start to accept what happened in the past and leave it there. Start thinking about what you want now, instead of what you already have and make plans to go for it.
2. Avoid keeping things to yourself- it only makes you feel worse and worse. For deep hurts- seek a counsellor or coach- avoid your friends inputs- except in general support, as they cannot be as objective as you need them to be.
3. Avoid asking for and taking other people’s advice.- Advice can only come from how someone else thinks, what’s best for them and how they would handle your situation being them and not being you. Listen to advice- but be very cautious in carrying it out. Test any advice against your own values.
4. Avoid, avoiding the problem- TALK to your other half. Be honest and open- or at least be a little bit more honest about how you feel and build up to being able to tell the complete truth about the situation.
5. Avoid admitting to yourself how you really feel about you in your relationship. Be honest at least with yourself. When you think about how you are living- is this how you always want it to be? If not- what are you going to do to change things? What can YOU do to change things?
If there are issues within your relationship then you will need energy to help you cope with it. If you are carrying around past hurts and complain more than celebrate your relationship, then it’s not healthy for you- or your partner and it decreases your power significantly.
These signs of an unhealthy relationship are there as a wake up call to make changes now before they get worse. And the great thing is that you have so much you can do to create your perfect relationship even if you are far from that at the moment.
Give your relationship a boost in only a few minutes a day
The more you put into practice the 5 steps above, the more you will feel in control, feel powerful and be able to create changes and improvement. The more you look at how you feel about your relationship, the more you get what you want and the more love you will feel toward your partner. The more you let go of past hurts, the more you treat your partner better and the more love, affection and commitment they will show toward you.
For a few minutes a day you get a HUGE R.O.I which will last you your lifetime. So put what you have learnt here into practice and if you need any additional support I am only a phone call or email away.
Coming up in part 4
Relationship Burnout: How Most Couples Get It - and How You Can Avoid It
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