10 warning signs of an unhealthy relationship Pt 5 of 6
Posted: April 10th, 2009 | Author: admin | Filed under: Signs of an unhealthy relationship | Tags: 2 things that will make your partner leave you |
2 Things That’ll Make Your partner Leave You
So far in the previous posts we have been focusing on the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship and if you have been taking note and following through you will be on your way to creating a healthier more loving relationship.
In today’s session we’ll concentrate on top two reasons why your partner will leave you- there are others of course, but these two seem to be the most difficult for couples to get past and the most damaging to any relationship.
What this course is about
· Showing you that by doing some simple things you can overt relationship breakdown and overcome an unhealthy relationship.
· Give you step by step approach to creating the kind of relationship you want
· Building on what you have learnt in the previous sessions so that by the end of 6 weeks you will know what all 12 signs of an unhealthy relationship are and what you can do to avoid them.
2 Things That will Make Your partner Leave You
What is on your mind when you think about your relationship?
What would make you leave your partner?
All of us in relationships have what is known as deal breakers. You may know it explicitly or you may not, but either way, if what’s most important to you is broken within a relationship it won’t matter how much your partner loves you or indeed how much you love him or her, once they cross the line, your line, then there is no going back- at least now without a huge amount of effort from the person’s whose been let down.
The top two deal breakers for the majority of relationships out there ( excluding relationship which one partner suffers from abuse) are Broken trust and constant stream of criticism. Interestingly enough what is a deal breaker for you will not necessarily be a deal breaker for someone else. Let’s take the area of infidelity.
On the surface it would seem that if your partner has an affair that the trust would be broken and that would be it for the relationship- but not so. There are countless couples who have survived their partner having an affair and of course there are countless couples who have broken up as a result.
Nevertheless, whether you choose to stay or leave because your partner has had an affair, what is important here is not just what they have done to break your trust, but the fact that they have broken your trust and gone too far.
Broken trust- easy to create, hard to fix
If you are like most of us, the fact that you have placed trust in your partner means you have decided that disclosing personal and intimate details about yourself shows you are committed to him, and you also trust that if he says he’s going to do something it will get done. Trusting him also means that you can trust him not to betray your trust, his word or what’s most sacred to your relationship.
Placing trust in someone is HUGE and not to be taken lightly.
The symptoms of trusting too early.
You could of course be the kind of woman who trusts too early because you have:
Not asked enough questions
You’ve been swept away by the romance of it all and decided to place trust without the evidence. ( Yes I know this sounds unromantic but asking questions about him, his past, how he reacts in certain situations can really protect you from giving your heart to someone who cannot look after it tenderly)
Not heeded your gut instinct but ignore it and explain it away to yourself.
You may notice that he tends to overspend, make excuses, needs to borrow money, gambles … but decide that his behaviour isn’t so bad, or you’re not his mother therefore you shouldn’t be monitoring him, or that all he needs is you to help him sort these things out. If you have to explain his behaviour away then do you really trust him?
Not communicated your rules and your relationship deal breaker
As I said before what would make you leave your partner may not be the same as someone else and indeed the same as your partner- so it’s vital that you not only communicate your rules and your deal breaker but that he also communicate the same for him.
For instance when he goes out with his friends for a drink- what sort of behaviour is acceptable to you?
If you go out- what sort of behaviour is acceptable to him?
In the area of finances does telling him a dress costs $100 when it really costs $300 would that be a deal breaker? Or is flirting, not doing what he said he would do, ignoring you, or even leaving his job without telling you? Or the classic he had an affair, or he kissed someone else? What is it that would be a point of no return?
Once you know what this is, then tell him and make sure he tells you because it is important to know just where you stand.
And note here what will make your partner leave you? Doing exactly what is a deal breaker for him or her- simple really!
Criticism- guaranteed to sap the life out of your relationship
Have you ever been down to the beach and watched as the waves lapped up against the rocks, and when you pick up a rock it has been worn smooth by the water? Well as much as this is great for a rock, living with the constant criticism and disapproval at home can ware you down as much and snap- one day you’ve had enough and you plot your exit strategy- you’re ready to leave him.
There isn’t a couple out there that don’t have disagreements of one sort or another, but there is a difference between complaining that he hasn’t done something and criticising him or her which is more personal.
Criticism or complaint- is there a difference?
Take this scenario for example
Peter and Susan are arguing over whose fault it is that the house is such a mess when guests arrive early for a meal.
Susan: The table hasn’t been set and the floor hasn’t been cleaned, I thought you said you were going to do it earlier on? ( complaint)
Peter: Why do you always go on and on you’re not my mother you know ( criticism)
Susan: You’re useless every time I ask you to do something you always say you’ll do it later and it never gets done, I don’t know why I bother ( criticism)
Peter: You were supposed to leave me a check list so I could organise things for tonight, now I’m running late and it’s too late now.( complaint)
Complaints are factual and focus on a particular behaviour not being done, whereas criticism is more personal and attacks the personality of the person it is levelled at. Complaints though annoying won’t necessarily erode the relationship but criticisms will.
Over the long term, constant criticism is like having a paper cut on your fingers, it hurts.
The thing about criticism is not where it starts is where it leads to.
Little known progress of criticism
Whilst criticising your partner is like a paper cut to a soft part of your body, it is what it leads to that will make your partner leave you- stonewalling.
There is a natural sequence of events that happens once a couple get used to criticising each other- first one partner gets defensive and then they shut down and stonewall their partner.
If you’ve ever tried to talk to your partner who simply doesn’t care what you say and ignores you by walking away when you’re talking to him, hiding behind a newspaper, turning his body away, rolling his eyes and having a closed body then you’ve been stonewalled and it isn’t pleasant.
When things get to this point, then your partner will leave you- they will feel they have no choice.
Warning signs criticism is getting a foothold in your relationship
Any hint of dissatisfaction, negativity, lack of fulfilment, moaning or apathy should alert you to the fact that something is not right in your relationship because this is the gateway for complaints that turn into criticisms, criticisms that lead to contempt for your partners viewpoints, defensiveness about what you feel and eventually stonewalling- complete emotional shut down.
Troubleshooting your way to a happier and healthier relationship
Spend 5 minutes building a bond between you and your partner, then increase it to 10 minutes, then to 15 until you are spending quality time bonding with each other- so that when you do have problems you are strong enough to deal with them without turning on each other.
Let me know how you get on!
Coming in the last part of the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship,
Why you can’t live happily ever after without first taking care of two essential things
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