2 Of The Worst Things That Ruin Relationships Pt 2/6
Posted: March 15th, 2009 | Author: admin | Filed under: Signs of an unhealthy relationship | Tags: Dishonesty and withdrawal in a relationship |
10 warning signs of an unhealthy relationship- (Pt2/6Tutorial)
The 2 Worst Things You Can Possibly Do to Ruin Your Chances of being in a loving and fulfilling relationship-
If you remember from the previous post I gave you the first two warning signs of an unhealthy relationship. Today we’ll concentrate on the 2 worst things you can possibly do to ruin your chances of being in a loving relationship- namely Dishonesty and Withdrawal.
What this course is about
· Heightening your awareness to the signs of an unhealthy relationship so that you can understand why your relationship isn’t working.
· Helping you put into practice the things that work to rescue a relationship.
· Each week we will look at two of the separate signs of an unhealthy relationship. By week 6 you will have all 12 signs of an unhealthy relationship and be able to use that knowledge to make the necessary changes.
At the end of this tutorial you will understand:
How dishonesty and withdrawal can ruin your chances of being in a loving and fulfilling relationship and have steps to use straight away that will change this.
Okay- back to today.
How to turn your love of excitement into a relationship disaster zone
I’ve been watching a programme lately about women and their relationships. I love it and it’s the only programme I won’t miss. It’s one of those programmes where you get to watch the mistakes other women make and are thankful that it’s not you in that situation. To be honest the scenarios are just this side of extreme- but only just, so most of us can watch and not draw too many parallels to our own lives. But I digress.
The story is about how not to deal with your problems in your relationship- notably- by not having affairs, lying, keeping secrets, playing mind games, blaming the other person in your relationship and not being willing to take responsibility for your own mistakes, because when you do the above you will pay the price with your marriage, your career, your happiness and your sanity!
Okay we all get that I think!
So how does dishonesty really work anyway?
Now as much as that is obviously a really pernicious sign of an unhealthy relationship – the question is, to what level you are being dishonest with your partner? And how does dishonesty work anyway?
· Do you not first of all decide you want something
· Justify why you should have it/ do it by finding lots of reasons
· Block out the potential harm you’re doing to your relationship
· Feel guilty about wanting what you want and doing it anyway
· Do whatever it is you want
· Justify why you just had to do it/ have it
· If your partner doesn’t approve or you think they won’t approve, make them out to be the bad guy in all of this, thus further justifying your act or
· Decide that by not disclosing what you really want ( and going after it behind their back) you are ‘protecting’ the other person in question. Or even worse still
· Decide that it’s your right to do and have what you want after all you are an adult now.
Well dishonesty is dishonesty and it always comes back to bite us- does it not! And surely you can see that this kind of thinking from within your loving relationship is a sign of an unhealthy relationship?
Before you dismiss the impact of dishonesty on your relationship- read this…
“For the fifth consecutive year, both men and women in their late twenties had the highest divorce rates of all five-year age groups”
“One in five men and women divorcing in 2007 had a previous marriage ending in divorce”.
Source: Office for National Statistics; General Register Office for Scotland; Northern Ireland Statistics and Research Agency.
Divorce is expensive
“According to the BBC news, the cost of an average divorce in 2006 amounted to £13,000”
( $18,000 approx)
Source: www.divorceguide.com
Sobering thought isn’t it!
So where are you being dishonest with your partner, and to what level?
And as you think about that- how have you justified this to yourself?
I mean have you told yourself that you are doing it because you have needs that your partner just can’t meet? Or are you justifying it by believing that they wouldn’t understand and it’s something you’ve just got to do or have?
Think about it. Because as much as I could bang on about the negative ramifications of this type of behaviour you and I deep down that it’s harmful to our relationship- is it not? What you need to think about is this.
“Isn’t the fact that you are being dishonest with your partner a sign that you are in fact in an unhealthy relationship”? (And if it is your partner who is being dishonest with you the same applies)
Yes?
No?
The most shocking thing about all of this is that- once you get into the habit of thinking and living like this, it becomes the norm, because if both you and your partner are being dishonest about the mundane ( Going to friends house when you really wanted to stay in) to the middle of the road dishonesty ( I’ll tell them it only cost $£50 when it really costs $£100) to the more serious ( I’ve had an affair- or I’m thinking about having an affair) and somehow justifying this to yourself- you just accept that this is how relationships work- do you not?
The second worst things you can possibly do to ruin your chances of being in a loving and fulfilling relationship is withholding your feelings.
Withholding your feelings starts with how you feel.
Conquering your emotional reactions
There is a difference between you when you are happy and you when you are sad and the difference is in how you carry your emotions. You see when you are happy ‘bad’ things can happen to you and you deal with it, cope with it in a way that doesn’t leave you feeling powerless to act. Somehow you have the necessary energy reserves and creativity to do this.
But when you are unhappy- that same situation can happen to you and it flaws you. You have no energy to deal with it and you become angry, or feel guilty, or in some cases drop into depression ( a really bad form of powerlessness)
One life altering lesson myself and my past clients have learnt the hard way
What we learnt was that by withdrawing we were unable to connect with out partner and a gap grew between us.
When you withdraw your feelings you withdraw from the relationship and you are unable to act to change things, the very thing you really need to do. You don’t like how you feel so you over react to negative situations and in the end when you feel you can’t do anything to change things, you only give what is absolutely necessary to your partner, simply because you can’t cope with anything else.
You may have good reason to withdraw, because he is not the most sensitive of types to talk to. He may be controlling, or unaware or detached or even just too busy to connect and share with you. But if you have withdrawn, that’s that sign that things are not right, and things need to change. We learnt the hard way, but you don’t have to.
The 6 step solution for overcoming your detachment from your relationship
Step 1
Admit that you feel as you do.
You feel angry, hurt, disappointed, whatever you feel admit this to yourself.
Step 2
Understand blame and excuses- and stop doing this
You may believe that you feel this way and you do these things because he or she doesn’t…..
(Add in what your partner doesn’t do that you feel you need to have to be happier)
You may even be able to show to others that it really is their fault. ( He really did flirt with that other woman. He really does work late and not give you enough attention…)
But understand that blame- justified or not- leaves YOU feeling powerless, leaves YOU feeling angry, leaves YOU potentially ruining the chances of having a great relationship, leaves YOU staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Each day vow to make one less excuse- just one and repeat this for as long as it takes to get YOU to take more responsibility for the outcomes you’re experiencing.
Step 3
Map out where you are now and one thing you want to see in your life or relationship that would make the difference to you and allow you to be more honest and connect back into the relationship.
If you know, or believe that your partner needs to change and it shouldn’t just be up to you- then believe me when I say that when you change he will.
Step 4
Once you have that one thing ask yourself ‘what can I DO to help me get what I want here’? and leave it. Soon an answer will come to you and with that answer you’ll know what to do next.
Step 5
Put what you know into practice- slowly but surely day by day or even week by week put one tiny thing into action. It really doesn’t have to be a big thing it’s the consistency of it that makes the difference.
Step 6
Celebrate and congratulate yourself on being willing to at least entertain the idea that you can do something here and so not to suffer from being in an unhealthy relationship
Or if you want some help and support- join my coaching group for more support.
So, what do you think will happen now that you have decided to put these things into practice? How much better will your relationship be? What other possibilities has this opened up for you and your partner? Good isn’t it!
So, you recognise that you have some work to do here. Once done you are now able to have the kind of relationship you deserve, and the kind of relationship you want. You didn’t always feel this was possible- did you not? But now you know differently because the more you put these things into practice, the more you are feeling great about your future with your partner- and that’s good- is it not?
Coming up in part 3
Two ways in which you significantly decrease your power within your relationship
Until the next time……..
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