Is Love Enough?

Is love enough?

Hi Ladies

            how are you all doing?  Have you ever wondered how to really tell if you’re with the right guy or not?  Is it how much he loves you?  Or is it about what potential he has? 

Well I can tell you it’s neither of these,  they are important of course,  but not enough.  Yes I know that may come as a shock but let me explain. Read the rest of this entry »

Is Your Man Good For You And Your Relationship?

Would you know whether the man you’re with is good for you or not?

There are 3 things I want to draw your attention to in this article-

1.         Whether you would know if the man you’re with is really good for you or not?

2          How what he does can be affecting your behaviour and

3.         What you need to be on the look out for to make sure you aren’t  being affected

How would you know whether the man you’re married to or living with is good for you or not?

The best way to know whether the man you’re married to or living with is  good for you or not to imagine that your best friend is describing your boyfriends characteristics, habits, thoughts, behaviours as if it was all happening to her. 

Her partner happens to be exactly like your boyfriend and she is complaining or at least talking about how he is treating her, and you listen on whilst she does this.  Each day on the phone she relays another episode in the drama that is her and her partner and you as the helpless onlooker can only listen to her story. 

So the question for you is would you agree that his behaviour is acceptable or not?     

And the answer to the question will tell you whether you do know that he’s good for you.  When I say good I mean that he helps increase your self esteem, you feel confidence being yourself, your lifestyle has changed but for the better since you’ve been with him and generally you feel more whole, more at home with him.

If this has brought up any doubt, let’s look on to how he could be affecting you.

How what he does could be affecting your behaviour

What you need to be looking for here is how you feel about yourself when you’re around him and away from him.  Do you feel better after a break from him, do you naturally start to change little things in what you  do and how you do them?  And when you are with him have you noticed yourself being a bit more tight lipped, more defensive, less sure of yourself?

Take a change in your behaviour as a sign that he is influencing you, not in the negative sense of the word, because the longer you are around someone the more you’re being influenced by them.  All you need to do is look at how he’s influencing you, is it positively or not?

Which brings me to what you need to be on the look out for to make sure you aren’t  being affected in the negative sense of this.

When you are being affected by someone else, the first place you will notice this is in how you act, how you think and what you put up with, it’s all about differences, so…

·         Have you given up anything that is important to you to be with him, or interests or spending time with friends?

·         Have you stopped seeing people if he doesn’t get on with them or do you feel disloyal if you mention them to him?

·         Have you put your dreams on hold to accomodate and support his?

A work colleague of mine a few years back was especially cynical when it came to men and the reason why was that she had put her life and career on hold to not only finance him through his studies, but support him emotionally for a few years whilst he got his degree and then worked in the job he wanted which didn’t pay much at first. 

When he started to become more successful- he had an affair and left her for another more exciting woman- go figure!!

·         Do you let him get away with treating you with less respect, kindness, thought compared to  other people?

·         Have you already decided that if he treats you with disrespect, or doesn’t values what’s most important to you that you would leave the relationship no matter how many years you’ve invested so far?

Taking these 3 points into consideration you will see that by answering them, you have a way to decide whether the man you’re with is in fact good for you, or if nothing else it has made you see that he is. 

The only thing you need to think now is if he’s not as good for you as you would like, what will you do next? And if you would like any FREE help or support here, leave your question or comment below and I’ll gladly help.

Until the next time…

Is He Telling You That You Are Not That Important To Him?

There are ways in which he is telling you that you aren’t that important to him and you’ll suffer if you stick around too much

The things  I want to talk to you about are:

·         What is the first sign that you may be with the wrong guy

·         How to measure this to see if it really is a problem for you and

·         How to use this information to help you decide what to do next

By the time you’ve read this article, you’ll have more awareness about the type of man you are with which can help you make better relationship decisions.  You’ll also know what to look for in prospective partners so you’re better prepared.

This brings us to the first point:

What is the first sign that you may be with the wrong guy

I have a question for you Does the man that you’re with ignore what you want and does his own thing even if he knows it bothers you?  If he does then it may indicate that you’re with the wrong guy.

Let me explain what I mean.

If in your everyday life you feel as if he consistently ignores what you want in favour of what he wants, and does some things that he knows bothers you, then how you feel about that, how it is affecting you, could be the first indication that he may not be right for you. 

For example when you are with him and you’re suggesting you go and visit your parents this weekend, but he says something like, well you can go, I’ve got other things to do,  and won’t budge on this issue,  this would be a typical example of the kind of attitude that will tell you what kind of man he really is.

So you need to think about whether his attitude here is an issue for you. 

Once you’ve thought about this, you’re then ready to measure just how much of an issue his insensitivity is for you.

Measuring this impact is easy- just take one of your past memories and use your gut instinct and use a zero to 10 scale this to assess the level to which you feel this is an issue. Measure it’s impact from zero to 10,  where zero means it doesn’t bother you at all, it’s not an issue, and 10 where it is a real issue for you.

So as you  think about his insensitivity to what you want at particular times during your relationship, what is the first number that comes to mind? 

For example if your gut isn’t too strong, then give this issue a scale between zero and 4.  If this issue bothers you somewhat, then score a scale from 5- 7.  If it really is a problem for you then score from 8-10 obviously the higher you score the more it bothers you and indicates that this issue is a problem for you. 

Which brings us to the last point, how to use this information to decide what to do next. 

Realising that he doesn’t actually think about what you want in the relationship isn’t in of itself an indication that he is the wrong guy or the right guy for you- you need to use this alongside the other questions in the upcoming videos, plus other factors before you can make that judgement.

For example, whilst going through your normal daily routine, keep a mental note of how this issue is really impacting you and see whether the score you gave here today reflects how you really feel about this as an issue.  And if you would alter the score, alter it accordingly and set it aside for the moment. 

You now have the first sign that you may be with the wrong guy and how to use this to help you make better relationship decisions now and in the future.

So before I conclude remember to focus on whether this is an issue for you and if it is how much of an issue for you. 

Put this into practice now and you  may just save yourself from wasting weeks, months or even years on the wrong man.

Until the next time….

Why You Ignore Great Relationship Advice

Warning signs you’re with the wrong guy- that you may be ignoring

I have written extensively about warning signs that the man you’re with may not be right for you, or that a problem you have maybe getting out of hand.  But I’ve still found amongst my clients and on line that we, don’t always listen. It’s not because you do not want to listen and follow through it’s just that sometimes there are deeper reasons why you know what to do but still ignore great relationship advice. 

So in this little discussion I want to talk to you about why you may be ignoring the useful helpful advice, myself and others are giving you, so that  when you take this on board, you will find it easier to identify what has stopped you making changes, understand yourself much better and change those things you’ve been putting off changing but really want to change. 

Why you may be ignoring great relationship advice

In western society when it comes to relationships there is a lot of social conditioning that goes into controlling how we think and what we do.  For instance think about what society tells black women in America ( which is very different to the UK for example) There is an underlying message that because black men may be repressed that black women who love them need to support them even more than say an ethnic group who isn’t as repressed. 

And that’s all well and good, but if he happens to be the wrong man for you, then you are allowing yourself to put up with behaviour that doesn’t work for you, and in some cases bad for you. 

So in any situation where you’ve wondered why with the knowledge you know, you still aren’t following through, look at what messages, beliefs you have from the society you live within.  What are these messages telling you about how you should be in a relationship and what does that make you put up with in reality.

In the same vein, think about all the sayings we have floating around about the nature of relationships, ‘ relationships take work’, ‘ it takes two to make it work’, ‘you have to compromise’, ‘ you have to make sacrifices’, ‘ men wear the trousers’ and so on.  Think about what behaviour these messages will encourage you to put up with,t comparing what you do with what you want to do.

The thing is, there is a grain of truth in all of these sayings, I’ve used some of them myself and actually believe a lot of them to be true, but if you have any of these sayings as your personal mantra, a mantra that is almost like a conviction, then your behaviour will reflect that.

You may find that if you believe that relationships take work, for example, when you meet a difficult guy you are more likely to put up with his unacceptable behaviour for longer than if you had this as a guideline of what to expect from a relationship. Which is very different to using these sayings as your personal doctrine for how you should act.  You see where I’m going with this.

Your beliefs really do guide your behaviour and if you’ve found that despite the fact you agree with the advice you’re getting but you’re still not using it, then look at what messages you receive from society as another reason why you’re stopping yourself fully utilising the information you already have.

What will happen when you take this on board?

When you do look at your beliefs about how you should be in a relationship and compare that to how you actually want to be, you will increase your awareness of why you’re not getting the results you want.  And with added awareness comes a subtle shift in what you later do.  And that’s where you’ll see your changes taking place.

And of course your relationships will change.   You will start to do things differently and again that slight shift can have a profound effect on what you’re currently experiencing.

This happens because awareness always gives you more options than you thought you had before.  For instance, if you weren’t aware that you didn’t follow through because you had beliefs that relationships take work, now you understand that it is leading you to do things you don’t want to do and now you have the choice about how you will do it in the future.

And the great thing about being more aware is that it is great for every area of your life.  Not only can you now look at your behaviour in other contexts to see why you do what you do  and what you’d rather do instead, you now know it will help you modify what you do and you’ll get better results.

So if you have always wandered why you don’t follow through, you now have one more answer to that question.  

So, if you would like to understand this a bit more and how it will be impacting on your present relationship then leave me a comment or question below, or email me and I’ll answer your questions.

Until the next time….

Are You Too Nice For A Happy Relationship?

Are You Too Nice For Your Own Good

Clients come to me all the time feeling frustrated that the man they’ve settled with takes them for granted, or doesn’t give as much as they’d want them to.  And though there are numerous reasons why they are in the situation they are in, almost without fail, if the woman is complaining, she is invariably being too nice for her own good.  

What I want to talk to you about is the myth that being nice gets you what you want as often as you think it would, and open your ears to the idea that, in reality, in personal relationships, being too nice can make it harder for you to have a happy relationship. 

In our society, women and men are groomed from an early age to value certain behaviours from each other, despite the fact that there is supposed to be gender equality, from my experience relationships show the true differences between men and women, and being too nice is rarely valued in men as much as it to women. 

And this is my point, if you are not getting the things you feel you want or need from your partner, then have a look at how much you give and how much you receive.  It’s important for you to realise that taking on board this new idea, may well help save you experiencing even more frustration.

To give is good or is it?

Over the last 8 – 9 years of being a coach, I can categorically state that every single female client I have had, believes she is being selfish if she thinks about herself first- or even thinks of herself at all.

Now think about that, hundreds of women think that in order to have a successfully happy marriage, selfishness is bad, wrong and they shouldn’t be it.  Yet these same women are the one’s where they are being taken advantage of in some aspect of their life, they give way too much and they are starting to resent it, their needs often get overlooked and they become more frustrated and unhappy. 

So my solution to their predicament, is to think about others less, and themselves more and that’s when I get

“ But isn’t that being selfish?”

Over the years my answer has always been the same, if you’re giving too much and that makes you feel frustrated or unhappy then give less and think about yourself more.  There isn’t a book handed down through the generations, that says you need to be doing what you are doing and that if you think of yourself first – now and then- that you are selfish.

But no matter how many times I’ve said it, no matter how much logic I throw at their argument, being overly accomodating, thinking about others first, will deplete you emotionally and lead to dissatisfaction. 

The other interesting thing is when I say to them that they are being too nice, I’ve never had one woman agree with me, they all maintain that they are not, they are mean, or other negative things, and being too nice isn’t how they would describe themselves.

Now reading into that we could go off on another tangent about self esteem but that’s another long story really.  What I would like you to consider here, is whether you yourself suffer from frustration, anger, annoyance and if you do, is the route of it your inability to say no, or to think of your needs and make them a priority?

To help you answer that, I will give you a couple of pointers to help you identify whether, you give too much, so take a read through and assess this for yourself.

If you give too much then:

1.         Do you  think about your partners needs first, what would work for him, what would work for others and you think about how you can fit around this?

Then learn how to think about what you want or need first, as apposed to thinking about pleasing your partner first. 

I am not saying not to think about him and his needs, but once in a while think about what you want first and start to hold back slightly, do what you want in little ways, and build your confidence in looking after yourself first.

2.         Do you rush around to fit other people’s errands into your already bulging schedule?  

Start being realistic about your the time and what you really can fit in.  If you spend your time running around others making sure things get done, and you flop exhausted at the end of the day because you are taking on too much of other peoples ‘stuff’ then see what happens if for once, you say no- and come up with an alternative for others to help you out for a change.  (Or do their own errands)

If you believe that if you don’t do things it wouldn’t get done and that others don’t even offer you help, then ask yourself if people, your husband for instance, does offer to help and you decline, or if he did offer once but because you always said no, he has stopped offering.  Or if in fact he has always expected you to carry the bulk of the work and that’s just how you settled. 

No matter what the initial stimulus, the important thing here is to notice how you got into the situation you’re in now, and to slowly start doing the opposite of what you’d normally do. 

Understand that over extending yourself, doing things for others that they can do for themselves, or not saying no for fear of offending others all contribute to you carrying more, and though you may on the one hand believe that you aren’t selfish and that’s a good thing, after a while, as you know, you end up carrying more stress.

Relationships are a minefield at the best of times, but what always comes through from my clients is that if they give too much, they end up feeling frustrated, and dissatisfied.  Finding the balance takes time, and if you start now with first recognising whether you do give too much then at least you know where you can start to make some changes .

By being more’selfish’ you will have more opportunity to being happier and more fulfilled, and you’ll find it easie to meet your own needs.  In short, being more ’selfish’ helps you look after yourself better than you may be at present. 

This system for boosting your relationship is simple really, by being able to focus on what you need to be happy and more importantly give yourself what you need to be happy, you are more likely to be happy.

But, I also know that the idea of you being labelled selfish by yourself or others will put you off ever thinking about yourself and feeling comfortable doing so,  so if you do use this idea, acknowledge to yourself that you  are important enough to be looked after. 

And the good thing is this strategy can also help you improve any health issues that you have.  This technique is great to use when you need to feel better about yourself to achieve something first as well as other benefits.  

If you would like any more help and support on this, then leave me a comment or question below, and I’ll get back to you with more pointers.

Until the next time….

How To Protect Your Relationship From Stagnating

How To Protect Your Relationship From Stagnating

There are so many ways to stop your relationship from stagnating and an often overlooked way is through cooperation.  

Cooperation is when you and your partner work together for a mutual benefit.  You have shared goals and shared responsibilities and you both work together to achieve the outcome.  You are in effect a team and as a team you both make sure that what needs to be done gets done. Read the rest of this entry »

Should You Really Have Your Ex Back?

Should you really have him back?

Hundreds of women every day scour the net or their local bookshop for answers that will tell them whether they should have their ex back. 

So in an aid to help you, I’m going to outline some things for you to consider if, like the hundreds of women who search daily  for answers, you’re considering having him back. Read the rest of this entry »

What Do Marital Problems Really Mean?

What Do Marital Problems Really Mean?

How many tips, hints and strategies have you tried to get your relationship back on track?  How many books, courses and seminars have you been to with or without your spouse to ‘save’ your marriage?

The reason I ask is because I wonder if you’ve considered what marital problems really mean.  What I’d like you to think about is that on the one hand marital problems could be down to lack of time spent with each other, so you grow apart,  or stress at work spilling over into your life, so you argue more,  taking each other for granted, so resentment is built up or even hurt or anger from unresolved issues. Read the rest of this entry »

Getting More Understanding In Your Relationship

You just don’t understand!

Has anyone ever said this to you, or you to them? 

You just don’t understand is something we all say, especially about our partner, family members and parents.  And when one of my clients complains that her husband, doesn’t understand, she feels deflated that he doesn’t just get ‘it’.  And she thinks that the solution to the problem  is to get him to understand, because then everything would be fine.

She firmly believes that if he understood her then he’d give her what she wants,  and the problem would go away.

But would it? Read the rest of this entry »

Why An Affair Can Show You How To Spice Up Your Marriage

Why having an affair can tell you how you should be in your marriage

No I’m not advocating having an affair far from it, but have you noticed that a couple whose marriage or long term relationship is suffering, and they disconnect from each other, can suddenly find the time and energy, to be all they need to be with their new partner? Read the rest of this entry »