What To Do With A Guy Who Won’t/ Can’t Commit

First he wants you then he leaves you- Are you in love with a commitment phobic guy?  Part 3

In part 2 of this series, I talked about the 4 dangerous points in a relationship where our commitment phobic guy could potentially derail your relationship with him.  And ended by saying we would cover where you could be making things worse for yourself and how to navigate your way from a man who won’t or can’t commit to you.

It all starts at the beginning – with you.

Have you ever dated someone whom you felt okay about but it was obvious from his behaviour that he was more keen than you were?  If you have then you may then have been flattered by his attention and gave in just because of that, or because he seemed okay.

Even if you liked him as much as you thought he liked you, chances are that if you have been attracted to a commitment phobic guy, then your behaviour, later on,  would signal that something was not quite right in the relationship, but couldn’t quite put your finger on.

At first you may have been confused about he messages you were receiving- what he said and what he did were not congruent with each other, and then took one of two paths.  You either confronted him and he left, and you blamed yourself, or you didn’t confront him and he still left and you blamed yourself for not addressing the issue earlier.  Either way, you have been left feeling confused and slightly more insecure because of the turn up of events.

And the fact that you may know intellectually that this wasn’t your fault, that it was him who wouldn’t commit, you will still tend to turn things back on yourself and rack your brain for a reason why it could have happened, the conclusion being that somehow it was something you did or didn’t do that caused the relationship to fail.

When things are too good, he gets running

What you may not realise is that it’s the opposite reason why he left- things were working out, things between you were too good, he could sense the time to commit to you approaching and that was his trigger to double back and run.

And now we get to the tricky part for you.

Instead of realising that you were okay in all of this, you were warm enough, good enough, attentive enough and loving enough, his behaviour makes you doubt you and your ability to keep a man happy, and not leave you.

And this is when you decide that in order to stop him from running, in order to get him back, the answer is for you to be even more attentive, even more loving and even more accomodating,  which with this type of man, simply doesn’t work, it is counter productive.  They do not want to settle down and commit- for one reason or another they can’t- so you becoming even more ‘perfect’ only makes things worse.

If you have found yourself in this confusing situation and every instinct is to try and get him back, I think you need to ask yourself whether in your hearts of hearts you believe you can keep this man who doesn’t want to commit or as painful as it is, whether the best thing is to let him go.

Obviously this is easier said than done,  and the first thing I can tell you to help you navigate your way around this situation is develop a plan.  Because if you recognise that you are with a commitment phobic guy, and it’s been a few months to a few years in your relationship- a plan can help.  

Plan to navigate around or away from a commitment phobic guy.

Step 1: Identify the types of men who present a challenge when it comes to relationships learning how they think, what typical things they say and which behaviours are typical of these kinds of men.

Step 2: Use your past experiences to determine whether the man or men you’ve dated, lived with or married to, was ever going to or ever able to change.

Step 3: Decide for yourself what kind of relationship you really want and the type you really need.  Write this out so you know when a man comes close to matching it.

Step 4:  Build up your sense of self, your self esteem and self confidence so that you don’t get overly hurt if you decide that a commitment phobic guy is for you- despite how he behaves.  

Step 5: Develop a strong sense of independence where you refuse to take on board responsibility for these kinds of men and learn how to detach from their behaviour

Step 6: Decide how you want to be treated and make sure you ‘make’ him treat you this way.

Additional step

Learn what makes men tick- this will arm you with the necessary knowledge and strategies, to make this easier for you.

Being with a commitment phobic guy isn’t easy and I’m not saying you should necessarily leave him,  this is your choice.  What I am saying is that you have an even bigger challenge living with and loving this type of man, and if you want to do this, or feel it’s too late he has your heart, then there are things you can do.

I will be sharing with you a resource you can refer to which will give you some grounding and then access to a coaching course I run to help women to first of all stop wasting years of their life on the wrong men, and later advanced coaching course which teaches you the real things you can do to turn things around in your relationship- I’ll let you know about this,  very soon. 

Until then what are your experiences of men who won’t or can’t commit?  Have you had your heart broken or did you find a way to deal with it?  Did you leave him or did he leave you?  And if so how did you cope with the break up?  If you stayed knowing he was scared of committing what do you do to make this work for you?

I look forward to your comments.  

Until the next time…

Is Your Relationship Lacking Commitment?

First he wants you then he leaves you- Are you in love with a commitment phobic guy?  Part 2

In part one of this article, we talked about a special kind of commitment phobic guy, the one who doesn’t display the classic signs of not wanting to commit to you, in fact he might be acting as if he really wants you and really wants to settle down with you.

Until that fateful day.

That fateful day maybe the next morning, the next week or even weeks, months or years into your marriage.  There are signs/ clues to watch out for, which I covered in part one, and to make it easier for you to spot them, those clues can come at various distinct stages in your relationship.

The 4 dangerous points to watch out for

Dangerous point 1: Your first date

Have you ever had a first date that was magical and perfect?  If not can you imagine that the guy you’ve been eyeing up, notices you and finally asks you out.  You’re nervous of course, but the time of the date arrives, he looks great and things get better from that moment on. 

He’s funny, interesting, and takes you to the most wonderful place- you spend a really great day together.  The evening comes and it’s time to end the date and go home.  You end up at his place and the next morning you wake with a smile on your face at how great the day had been.

You have to go though, things to do.  As you get your things together, you take a long look as you say goodbye.  He smiles and you walk out of the door to get on with your day.

That evening you wait for a call, but nothing,  the next day you wait and nothing, in fact you never hear from him again, and you don’t know why.

As awful as this is, this is a classic case of being with a guy who just can’t or won’t commit- and for him once he’s slept with a woman – sex to him means commitment and that is his cue to run.  So no matter how much you rack your brain to think of what it was that you could have done differently, this has nothing to do with you.

Dangerous stage 2: Within the first month

Like our friend above, this man could call you after the first date, but each call he seems different, more distant.  And though he has led you to believe that he was really into you, that you shared the same values, that he in fact is the dependable kind of guy, he really is at the panicking stage now.  He knows he has to live up to his talk and he simply won’t be able to do it.  And so he leaves and you don’t understand why.  

You may respond by sending him text messages, leaving phone messages on his answer machine or mobile, send him letters or even buy him something if you feel it will get him to respond, but he won’t, he can’t.

The awful thing is that you will have turned the situation around to being  your fault- which of course it isn’t.

Dangerous point 3: Living together

You may be luckier than most and survived the first date, the first month and have actually spent time together and it’s been a couple of years now and you both talk about moving in together and finally becoming a serious couple.

So you buy your apartment, or house, you do all the arrangements, you move in but he gets cold feet.  You notice this but pass it off as nothing to worry about.   You talk to him and he says everything is fine, you don’t quite believe him but he insists it’s okay. 

Then when it is time for him to move in, he has reasons why he can’t –which you accept at first.  But then he starts to avoid the issue altogether and your communication gets a little more fraught. 

Things come to a head one evening when you expecting him to call over as  promised, there is no show and you can’t understand why.  You text, email, you call, but he’s not available.  Eventually you catch up with him and ask him what’s going on, and it all comes out that he’s been seeing someone else and just wasn’t ready to move in with you.

You devastated, go into a complete tail spin- you try to understand where you misunderstood his signals because it was him who wanted things to move on to the next stage, it was him who walked around with you looking at houses, it was him who told you he loved you and wanted to marry you.

Unfortunately, he has gone into full panic mode by now and like the other two stages would have found it almost claustrophobic,  and just had to end it.

Dangerous point 4: After the wedding

We’ve all heard stories of women and men being jilted at the alter, but not for this man, he waits until he has married you first before he jilts you.  It can equally come out of the blue, but not before he has confused you about his feelings for you.

It could happen like this.

You’ve been dating, get married and almost within the first couple of weeks, he starts to complain that you’ve changed, or your friends don’t really like him.  Or that you’re not doing something right, or any host of things.  The point is here, he is finding fault with things that were not an issue before you got married, but now for him they are.

Things get so bad that you or him break it off, but deep down you feel he has manoeuvred things to end like they did.

Again you blame yourself but it isn’t your fault- not with this kind of guy.

And in the next part I’ll share with you, what you could be doing to make it worse for you and tips to help you navigate your way out from a man who can’t commit.

Until the next time….   

Is He Running Away From Your Relationship?

First he wants you then he leaves you- Are you in love with a commitment phobic guy? Pt 1

Have you ever heard of the term “ pursuit/panic syndrome”?  Apparently it accurately describes the kind of man who has pursued you one minute and then panics and leaves you the next- usually without warning and usually to women’s complete surprise.

In the game of love, typically you will meet a man and given the natural and reciprocal attraction you feel toward him and he toward you, the game begins.  He showers you with time, attention, gifts, and makes it known to you that he’s more than interested in you.

You allow this to happen because in the natural course of relationships, it feels good to be wooed, pursued and made to feel special.

But there comes  a time in any relationship with this kind of guy, where he will turn on his heels and runs and you may not see it coming.

Why does he run? 

And why don’t you see it coming.

You don’t see it coming because of his pursuit of you.  Typically he will come across quite strongly, and given that we’re talking about commitment phobic guys here, he doesn’t show the classic signs of not wanting to commit to you and the relationship. 

So couple his determination to pursue you, and the lack of the classic commitment phobic behaviours, that’s why you won’t see it coming.

And the reason he runs is because after a while- it can be after the first time you slept together, it can be weeks into the relationship, it can even be months or years later, there will be a time when he feels, ‘trapped’.  And it’s at this point that he doubles back on himself and runs away from you and the relationship.

Gut feelings.

I heard a story the other day about a woman who had been married to a man for years, raised their children together, supported him through changing his career, and one day he announced he was leaving and that was the end of their marriage.  Yes he was leaving them for another woman who was pregnant with his child, and that was bad enough, but what was worse was that the wife in question didn’t have an idea that something was up, or so the story went.

It turns out that in hindsight, months after this has happened, she did see those clues.  He started acting differently, he lost a lot of  weight, he took up new interests, he started staying away from home- with plausable excuses, but a change in his behaviour.  The wife knew something was up, in fact others around her also knew, but couldn’t quite put their finger on it- until later when it all started to make more sense.

So with this type of guy, look out for the cues, the change in his behaviour and more importantly, how it strikes you. 

We all have a sixth sense, a gut feeling about things, and it may only be a fleeting thought that crosses your mind, which you dismiss, but it’s there.  And any uneasiness on your part could be the trigger you need to help you detect changes that you may not like,  but need to know about.

So are there any other clues?

There are 4 distinct points when this type of man will turn on his heels and run which we shall talk about in the next article.

Until then, identify whether the man you’re involved with is in fact anything like the man I’ve described here.

Look at your gut feelings and ask yourself how you feel.  Are you uneasy about something?  Has something been troubling, niggling at you?  

Later I’ll give you access to a great resource of the major types of men who do not have  good relationship potential,  until then, think about what I’ve asked you here and get clear on what it is that is bothering you.

Until the next time….

How To Get A Man To Fall In Love With You

How  to get a man to fall in love with you

Have you ever wondered how to get a man to fall in love with you?  Or  even asked yourself if it were really possible to get a man to fall in love with anyone- can we make  men fall in love with us? 

This is an interesting one for me because it’s what every woman wants-I know it’s something I wanted to know the answer to as I was growing up, I wanted the dream of meeting Mr Right and having him fall madly and deeply in love with me, and if he didn’t, to have a way to make him fall madly and deeply in love with me. 

So are you in the same boat? Despite your years of experiences, and knowing full well that fairy tale endings are really just that, do you still want to know how to get a man to fall in love with you? Read the rest of this entry »

All men have their limitations- Do you know what they are?

All men have their limitations

Marriage Guidance Tips.

All Men Have Their Limitations-Do You Know What They Are?  

If you don’t know what the limitations of your partner are, then you may be putting your happiness at risk in trying to get him to be something he’s not.  And the sad fact is that when a marriage breaks down, you may need marriage guidance, but if you don’t want things to get to that level, then read on.   

Marriage guidance is just that, a guide for how to create a ‘better’ marriage or relationship with your partner.  And if you were to read any guide on how to create a better relationship,  part of your understanding would be to be to be able to understand your partner and for him to understand you.     Read the rest of this entry »

Tell your man he’s wrong and it could end your relationship!

Are you a strong, opinionated and assertive women who  naturally expresses your views, but it ruffles a few feathers? 

Want to know how to do this and still preserve harmony within your relationship?

Tell your man he’s wrong and it could signal an end your relationship

I don’t know about you but as a strong woman myself, I have views and perspectives that some of the time I don’t mind sharing with others- forcefully if the need arises.  I am assertive and depending upon whom I’m with can show more of my aggressive side. (I’m not really supposed to admit that am I!)  And I can also be as sweet as pie- so to speak.  I’m all this and more. Read the rest of this entry »

Turn your insensitive man into a loving and caring partner

Have you ever been upset, reached over to your partner who proceeded to lecture you about where you went wrong in being upset?

Have you even asked for what you wanted and your partner ran a mile saying you were just too too emotional for him to handle?

I’d be surprised if this hasn’t happened to you and most other women around, men it seems are reputedly incapable of handling us when we’re upset.  This may or may not be true, but I’m of the mind that even if it were true there must be something we, as gutsy or beginning to be gutsy women can do to change this. Read the rest of this entry »