Is He Telling You That You Are Not That Important To Him?

There are ways in which he is telling you that you aren’t that important to him and you’ll suffer if you stick around too much

The things  I want to talk to you about are:

·         What is the first sign that you may be with the wrong guy

·         How to measure this to see if it really is a problem for you and

·         How to use this information to help you decide what to do next

By the time you’ve read this article, you’ll have more awareness about the type of man you are with which can help you make better relationship decisions.  You’ll also know what to look for in prospective partners so you’re better prepared.

This brings us to the first point:

What is the first sign that you may be with the wrong guy

I have a question for you Does the man that you’re with ignore what you want and does his own thing even if he knows it bothers you?  If he does then it may indicate that you’re with the wrong guy.

Let me explain what I mean.

If in your everyday life you feel as if he consistently ignores what you want in favour of what he wants, and does some things that he knows bothers you, then how you feel about that, how it is affecting you, could be the first indication that he may not be right for you. 

For example when you are with him and you’re suggesting you go and visit your parents this weekend, but he says something like, well you can go, I’ve got other things to do,  and won’t budge on this issue,  this would be a typical example of the kind of attitude that will tell you what kind of man he really is.

So you need to think about whether his attitude here is an issue for you. 

Once you’ve thought about this, you’re then ready to measure just how much of an issue his insensitivity is for you.

Measuring this impact is easy- just take one of your past memories and use your gut instinct and use a zero to 10 scale this to assess the level to which you feel this is an issue. Measure it’s impact from zero to 10,  where zero means it doesn’t bother you at all, it’s not an issue, and 10 where it is a real issue for you.

So as you  think about his insensitivity to what you want at particular times during your relationship, what is the first number that comes to mind? 

For example if your gut isn’t too strong, then give this issue a scale between zero and 4.  If this issue bothers you somewhat, then score a scale from 5- 7.  If it really is a problem for you then score from 8-10 obviously the higher you score the more it bothers you and indicates that this issue is a problem for you. 

Which brings us to the last point, how to use this information to decide what to do next. 

Realising that he doesn’t actually think about what you want in the relationship isn’t in of itself an indication that he is the wrong guy or the right guy for you- you need to use this alongside the other questions in the upcoming videos, plus other factors before you can make that judgement.

For example, whilst going through your normal daily routine, keep a mental note of how this issue is really impacting you and see whether the score you gave here today reflects how you really feel about this as an issue.  And if you would alter the score, alter it accordingly and set it aside for the moment. 

You now have the first sign that you may be with the wrong guy and how to use this to help you make better relationship decisions now and in the future.

So before I conclude remember to focus on whether this is an issue for you and if it is how much of an issue for you. 

Put this into practice now and you  may just save yourself from wasting weeks, months or even years on the wrong man.

Until the next time….

Why You Ignore Great Relationship Advice

Warning signs you’re with the wrong guy- that you may be ignoring

I have written extensively about warning signs that the man you’re with may not be right for you, or that a problem you have maybe getting out of hand.  But I’ve still found amongst my clients and on line that we, don’t always listen. It’s not because you do not want to listen and follow through it’s just that sometimes there are deeper reasons why you know what to do but still ignore great relationship advice. 

So in this little discussion I want to talk to you about why you may be ignoring the useful helpful advice, myself and others are giving you, so that  when you take this on board, you will find it easier to identify what has stopped you making changes, understand yourself much better and change those things you’ve been putting off changing but really want to change. 

Why you may be ignoring great relationship advice

In western society when it comes to relationships there is a lot of social conditioning that goes into controlling how we think and what we do.  For instance think about what society tells black women in America ( which is very different to the UK for example) There is an underlying message that because black men may be repressed that black women who love them need to support them even more than say an ethnic group who isn’t as repressed. 

And that’s all well and good, but if he happens to be the wrong man for you, then you are allowing yourself to put up with behaviour that doesn’t work for you, and in some cases bad for you. 

So in any situation where you’ve wondered why with the knowledge you know, you still aren’t following through, look at what messages, beliefs you have from the society you live within.  What are these messages telling you about how you should be in a relationship and what does that make you put up with in reality.

In the same vein, think about all the sayings we have floating around about the nature of relationships, ‘ relationships take work’, ‘ it takes two to make it work’, ‘you have to compromise’, ‘ you have to make sacrifices’, ‘ men wear the trousers’ and so on.  Think about what behaviour these messages will encourage you to put up with,t comparing what you do with what you want to do.

The thing is, there is a grain of truth in all of these sayings, I’ve used some of them myself and actually believe a lot of them to be true, but if you have any of these sayings as your personal mantra, a mantra that is almost like a conviction, then your behaviour will reflect that.

You may find that if you believe that relationships take work, for example, when you meet a difficult guy you are more likely to put up with his unacceptable behaviour for longer than if you had this as a guideline of what to expect from a relationship. Which is very different to using these sayings as your personal doctrine for how you should act.  You see where I’m going with this.

Your beliefs really do guide your behaviour and if you’ve found that despite the fact you agree with the advice you’re getting but you’re still not using it, then look at what messages you receive from society as another reason why you’re stopping yourself fully utilising the information you already have.

What will happen when you take this on board?

When you do look at your beliefs about how you should be in a relationship and compare that to how you actually want to be, you will increase your awareness of why you’re not getting the results you want.  And with added awareness comes a subtle shift in what you later do.  And that’s where you’ll see your changes taking place.

And of course your relationships will change.   You will start to do things differently and again that slight shift can have a profound effect on what you’re currently experiencing.

This happens because awareness always gives you more options than you thought you had before.  For instance, if you weren’t aware that you didn’t follow through because you had beliefs that relationships take work, now you understand that it is leading you to do things you don’t want to do and now you have the choice about how you will do it in the future.

And the great thing about being more aware is that it is great for every area of your life.  Not only can you now look at your behaviour in other contexts to see why you do what you do  and what you’d rather do instead, you now know it will help you modify what you do and you’ll get better results.

So if you have always wandered why you don’t follow through, you now have one more answer to that question.  

So, if you would like to understand this a bit more and how it will be impacting on your present relationship then leave me a comment or question below, or email me and I’ll answer your questions.

Until the next time….

The Greatest Myth To Marital Harmony

The greatest myth to marital harmony

If you have been having trouble with your spouse or significant other, you will no doubt turn to others for advice.  This could be a friend, a neighbour or a family member- and only if arguments get really bad would you consider a guidance or marriage counsellor. 

When there, sat perched on your seats,  you and your spouse waiting for your turn to speak, the counsellor, if he or she has been trained in say Rogerarian or Individual Psychotherapy methods as hailed by Carl Rogers,  will wait to here the therapist say he or she will ask you both to take part in something called active listening.  And the aim for you and your husband is to be able to respond non judgementally to each other.  But sometimes, often times, it simply doesn’t work and can cause more harm than good.

If you’re in trouble and you argue with your spouse more than you see eye to eye over issues, then it’s a good idea to find something that really works to stop the arguments, because doing so will lead to more harmony, more chance of connection and ultimately the survival of the marriage.

But when you go and see a counsellor, what they may tell you to do could be harming your relationship even further.

As I said in the opening, if you have been arguing with your spouse it’s only common sense to get advice as to how to sort things out.  And if you read lots of relationship books, or have been to see a marriage therapist,  then the prevailing answer to your marital ills is to learn how to communicate more effectively with your spouse.

In fact there are numerous books, courses and workshops focused on increasing communication skills between people whether this is in your marriage or at work, communicating effectively seems to be the  key point most experts fall upon.  And though I would agree that being able to communicate with your spouse is important and necessary- it’s how it’s used with the couples that can do the most harm

The greatest myth to marital bliss.

The current thinking and the greatest myth to marital bliss is if you argue with your partner, then you need to learn how to communicate better specifically, learn how to resolve conflicts as they arise.

But you may have noticed that when you are in the mood to fight with your partner or he with you, he’s not exactly in the mood to be reasonable.  But part of the repertoire of our said therapist is to get you  and your spouse to communicate better therefore alleviating any need to fight.  

In the midst of fighting, when you’re wanting to win at all costs, when you’re focusing on how hurt you feel, and how your spouse caused this hurt, when you’re bent on proving that you’re right and he’s wrong, and keeping up the silent treatment that’s been raging for over a week, the current thinking is that, if you can calmly and lovingly listen to each other, then marital bliss will once again reign.

Not so

If you’re at stale mate, or the lines of communication has been shut down, then the last thing you’re going to be able to do is detach enough to be able to listen objectively to your partners wishes and wants.   Yet that’s exactly what you need to be able to do to resolve a conflict, and it’s what a lot of therapists still focus on teaching you both.

And it simply doesn’t work.

Why not?

Because think about what we’ve been discussing here, you’re in a foul mood, and so is he by now, you’ve spent the better half of the morning sniping at each other – and then you go to a marriage therapist who then tells you that you have to sit there and listen whilst your hubby tells you how he feels and he has to sit there and listen to how you feel. 

So you tell me, would you be able to do it without getting defensive?

Not many if any of us could if we have built up a catalogue of wrongs they have done to make us feel angry or sad or frustrated.

So how is this supposed to work?

There is a technique called active listening where both parties are supposed to be able to express how they feel to their spouse and their spouse be able to detach from the interaction- much like a therapist would with his patient/ client. 

For instance

Mary would say “ I feel upset and lonely when you work so much and aren’t here to help me with the children”

Instead of the usual

“ You are so selfish always working late when you know we have 3 children who need both of us to put them to bed”

In the first example the wife and then the husband will start off using I statements- so as not to project onto her husband inappropriate emotions and be as objective as possible.  This is then supposed to make it easier for him to express himself, hear what she is saying and respond without malice or harm. 

In theory it might work, and of course there will be couples where they are able to make this work for them- though I defy anyone who is in the throws of a domestic to be able to do this later, after the argument has stopped but feelings are still raw.   

You and your husband are unlikely to be therapists schooled in how to detach and have calmer discussions when one of you is angry or hurt. 

And that’s the problem you’re not a therapist- and even if you are, you tend to leave this hat at work when at home.  And as such this technique which is supposed to pull you together, causes a rift.

The thing is, the myth that for a successful marriage that you should avoid arguments, and learn how to resolve conflicts.  This sounds great in theory, but in practice most couples aren’t therapists and have therapy type skills in their armour.

Couples argue, couples fight and it’s not always an indication that their relationship isn’t a good one.  It’s what’s behind the argument, love or loathing that makes a huge difference.

So if you’re wanting to resolve your conflicts- learn how to argue fairly

What do I mean?

Learn how to argue without throwing any past gripes into the mix.  For instance.  Set rules that say, you can argue about the issue at hand, but once the argument is over it can NEVER  be brought up again. 

And if it isn’t resolved for one of the couple then they need to discuss more calmly what they want instead and come to some sort of consensus.

There can be no room for harm, personal attacks, or recriminations, emotional blackmail or ‘if you loved me then you’d… type of statements, only a good argument about the issue at hand.

Believe me this is the best and cleanest way to have a fight because you know that it is just tussling over a difference of opinion, and not about wounding the other person or getting wounded, where these wounds then  take  months to heal and cause more harm than good.  

Learn to fight fair- its the only way.

Until the next time. 

How to know when to leave / breakup with him

How to know when it’s time to leave/ breakup. 

There comes a time in everyone’s life when they have  to make the hard decision to move on when a relationship isn’t working.  Some of us know when the time is right, others of us wait and wait and wait until things are so bad that the inevitable happens.  And for others still, they take what they think is the easy route and have an affair.     Read the rest of this entry »

Secrets and lies- Avoid relationship battles; relationship hurts Part 3/3

Want help with your new relationship?-  How to avoid 3 of the biggest problems  a new relationship can bring. 

Secrets and lies.  How the small omissions in a relationship can cause the biggest battles and the biggest hurts.    

In part 2 we looked at aging and we talked about how having body image issues can threaten even the most stable of relationships.  You got a couple of really effective strategies to try and hopefully you’ve been doing that. 

Now in part 3- we’re going to explore secrets and lies- how the small omissions in a relationship can cause the biggest battles and the biggest hurts.   Read the rest of this entry »

Giving too much could be covering up the cracks in your relationship!

Do you wonder what would happen to your relationship if you stopped giving as much as you do?

Are you secretly worried that if you stopped giving emotionally then your relationship would fall apart?

Many women do, but now you can learn how not to be one of them.

Keep giving and giving, eventually you’ll have nothing left to give

Many women are programmed to work on their relationship and because of this, they give and give and keep on giving.  If giving is natural to you, then that’s what you will do.  And as much as this can be selfless, you can end up feeling empty and resentful, because you start to wonder why your giving hasn’t made you as happy as you thought it would- why if you’re giving so much to make your partner happy, why is it you feel so empty? Read the rest of this entry »