Is the communication in your relationship dead?

Posted: February 11th, 2009 | Author: admin | Filed under: Relationship information | Tags: communication a relationship saver or destroyer |

You know you need to communicate how you really feel with your partner, but you’re put off because in theory telling your partner something that you’ve been putting off, sounds good  in theory but in practice you usually end up in an argument.

 

You may want to make changes but lack the confidence or the practice to make this your reality.  So if the communication in your relationship is in all sense of the word- dead- read below some new strategies that will increase your confidence in expressing how you feel, so that you can communicate with ease. 

 

The patterns to successful relationships

 

If you analyse the most loving and successful personal relationships, you will find so many differences that it’s quite hard to find any discernable patterns.  Some couples talk a lot and discuss things, others don’t communicate that well but seem to muddle along nicely.  

 

If you look closely you may notice when successful couples do communicate, they do it in such a way that their partner understands them, they seem to be on the same wavelength.  And as much as there are couples who are naturally on the same wavelength as each other, if you are not, you can learn how to be the same.

I just don’t get you

 

You may have wondered why some of your words fall on deaf ears.   Why when you feel you’ve been articulate, to the point, and even assertive, why your partner didn’t understand what you were saying.  If he didn’t ‘get’ you and you feel at odds with him then read on.

 

NLP ( Neuro linguistic Programming ) to the rescue

 

Some of you will be aware that my coaching experience, expertise and success stems from using NLP tools and techniques.  And one of the things I learnt whilst taking my certifications, that has helped me and my clients communicate better with our significant other, is that how you say something determines whether your partner understands your point of view or not.    

 

The theory

 ·         There are 4 main communication styles which we all use

 ·         We all have a preference for one or two types

 ·         You need to be aware of your communicate style

 ·         You need to be aware of your partner’s communication style

When you know of these, then what you say is what your partner will hear which of course leads to better communication- so whether you talk a lot or a little you will both be on the same page, hear the same things, and see eye to eye about what you’re talking about- does that make sense? 

 

Typical expressions

Do any of these expressions sound familiar?

 

·         I see what you mean

 ·         I can’t get a handle on what you’re saying

 ·         Things just don’t feel good to me

 ·         That’s music to my ears

 ·         That’s not logical to me

These sayings illustrate the typical ways in which we all speak and the 4 different styles of communication.

 

I see what you mean shows, you are processing the information you are hearing, by seeing pictures of what the other person is talking about- you are in visual mode.

 

I can’t get a handle on what you’re saying- shows you are processing the information you are hearing through how you feel- you are in kinaesthetic mode.

 

That’s music to my ears shows you are processing the information you’re hearing in how it sounds to you.  So such expressions as ‘that doesn’t sound like a good idea’ or’ I don’t like tone of your voice’ come from the same place.- You are in auditory mode.

 

That’s not logical to me shows you are processing the information you’re hearing or saying from a detached and logical perspective- you are in auditory digital mode.

 

The conclusion of this is- if you are describing how you feel through the kinaesthetic mode but your partner is hearing it in a auditory mode- then you will be at crossed purposes- and you will feel as if you’re not understood, and feel a disconnection.

 

Take the test

 

In order to help you understand this better, you need to take a short ‘test’ to determine which is your preferred way of communicating and you can even do this with your partner.  This way you will understand why your communication is not as smooth as it can be and bring it more alive.  

 

If you want to know what your communication style is, then email me with the subject heading: communication style preference test- and I will send you one back+ the next steps in better communication.

 

What difference will this make?

 

After you are aware of your communication style preference it will draw your attention to how your partner prefers to receive your communication and with a few adjustments and tweaks you’ll be able to communicate in such a way that he ‘hears’ you and responds accordingly.

 

So what do you think?

 

Do you communicate with ease and it’s always been like that?   Or have you known your partner for so long that there is nothing left to say and when you do communicate you end up in an argument?

If you knew another way to communicate with your partner that made it easier for him to respond how you would like- would that interest you?

 

Let me know.

Until then my gutsy and soon to be gutsy girl- happy communicating.

 

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