Hi Ladies

            how are you all doing?  Have you ever wondered how to really tell if you’re with the right guy or not?  Is it how much he loves you?  Or is it about what potential he has? 

Well I can tell you it’s neither of these,  they are important of course,  but not enough.  Yes I know that may come as a shock but let me explain.

If you judge a guys ability to be ‘the one’, on how much he loves you now, then you may be in for a rude awakening.  Why?  Because love is a great start but , what happens when you want to do things together and he’s busy working?  What happens when you want to have children but he would rather keep things as they are now? He still loves you but he has other priorities.  Love doesn’t automatically mean that you have anything in common or that you will see eye to eye yet most of us-me included used to think that it did.  Unfortunately it doesn’t.

Still not convinced?  Think of it like this.  In order to live happily ever after with the chosen one, you have to have the same or similar values,  you need to like each other when you really get to know each other.  You have to have a way to overcome your differences and work things through and none of this is automatic just because you love someone or he loves you.  

As you already know people that love each other end up not loving each other because of differences between them, so clearly love wasn’t enough.  Now I don’t want to depress you, I just want you to understand that how much he loves you  now, is just a small indication of whether he is the right man for you.

Which leads me onto to potential.

So many of us look at a guys potential and think that over time this will be fully realised.  Now being at the other end of women whose relationships have broken down, I hear the same thing over and over- ‘but we had so much going for us, he….’ and they go onto explain that she had built plans based on him realising his full potential some time in the future.

Well you know what it’s like when you’re at school and you don’t do well at something but they say you have potential,  well it doesn’t always mean that you’ve lived up to your potential to be a great athlete or the next Shakespeare.  Potential indicates a possible future but not a guarantee of an actual one.

So what  does tell you if the man you’re with or thinking of getting serious with is the right one for you?  One of the things is how much he values relationships.  Because if he values relationships then he’s more likely to make it his priority.  If he values relationships it will be easier for him to commit to you.  If he values relationships then he’s more likely to see himself as part of a couple and not a single guy whose been trapped.  And that last point is important.  But I’ll write about that in another time.

What I’d like to draw your attention to,  is think about all those things that are important to you in a relationship and if the only thing that you both had going for you is that he loves you, but you couldn’t rely on him or depend on him supporting you and he still fools around with other women, then would you want to look deeper at what he is bringing to the table now and not on what he could potentially bring?  

I know what my clients finally realise they should do.

So what about you- agree?   Disagree?  Have another point of view?  Let me know below.

Until the next time…

There are 3 things I want to draw your attention to in this article-

1.         Whether you would know if the man you’re with is really good for you or not?

2          How what he does can be affecting your behaviour and

3.         What you need to be on the look out for to make sure you aren’t  being affected

How would you know whether the man you’re married to or living with is good for you or not?

The best way to know whether the man you’re married to or living with is  good for you or not to imagine that your best friend is describing your boyfriends characteristics, habits, thoughts, behaviours as if it was all happening to her. 

Her partner happens to be exactly like your boyfriend and she is complaining or at least talking about how he is treating her, and you listen on whilst she does this.  Each day on the phone she relays another episode in the drama that is her and her partner and you as the helpless onlooker can only listen to her story. 

So the question for you is would you agree that his behaviour is acceptable or not?     

And the answer to the question will tell you whether you do know that he’s good for you.  When I say good I mean that he helps increase your self esteem, you feel confidence being yourself, your lifestyle has changed but for the better since you’ve been with him and generally you feel more whole, more at home with him.

If this has brought up any doubt, let’s look on to how he could be affecting you.

How what he does could be affecting your behaviour

What you need to be looking for here is how you feel about yourself when you’re around him and away from him.  Do you feel better after a break from him, do you naturally start to change little things in what you  do and how you do them?  And when you are with him have you noticed yourself being a bit more tight lipped, more defensive, less sure of yourself?

Take a change in your behaviour as a sign that he is influencing you, not in the negative sense of the word, because the longer you are around someone the more you’re being influenced by them.  All you need to do is look at how he’s influencing you, is it positively or not?

Which brings me to what you need to be on the look out for to make sure you aren’t  being affected in the negative sense of this.

When you are being affected by someone else, the first place you will notice this is in how you act, how you think and what you put up with, it’s all about differences, so…

·         Have you given up anything that is important to you to be with him, or interests or spending time with friends?

·         Have you stopped seeing people if he doesn’t get on with them or do you feel disloyal if you mention them to him?

·         Have you put your dreams on hold to accomodate and support his?

A work colleague of mine a few years back was especially cynical when it came to men and the reason why was that she had put her life and career on hold to not only finance him through his studies, but support him emotionally for a few years whilst he got his degree and then worked in the job he wanted which didn’t pay much at first. 

When he started to become more successful- he had an affair and left her for another more exciting woman- go figure!!

·         Do you let him get away with treating you with less respect, kindness, thought compared to  other people?

·         Have you already decided that if he treats you with disrespect, or doesn’t values what’s most important to you that you would leave the relationship no matter how many years you’ve invested so far?

Taking these 3 points into consideration you will see that by answering them, you have a way to decide whether the man you’re with is in fact good for you, or if nothing else it has made you see that he is. 

The only thing you need to think now is if he’s not as good for you as you would like, what will you do next? And if you would like any FREE help or support here, leave your question or comment below and I’ll gladly help.

Until the next time…

The things  I want to talk to you about are:

·         What is the first sign that you may be with the wrong guy

·         How to measure this to see if it really is a problem for you and

·         How to use this information to help you decide what to do next

By the time you’ve read this article, you’ll have more awareness about the type of man you are with which can help you make better relationship decisions.  You’ll also know what to look for in prospective partners so you’re better prepared.

This brings us to the first point:

What is the first sign that you may be with the wrong guy

I have a question for you Does the man that you’re with ignore what you want and does his own thing even if he knows it bothers you?  If he does then it may indicate that you’re with the wrong guy.

Let me explain what I mean.

If in your everyday life you feel as if he consistently ignores what you want in favour of what he wants, and does some things that he knows bothers you, then how you feel about that, how it is affecting you, could be the first indication that he may not be right for you. 

For example when you are with him and you’re suggesting you go and visit your parents this weekend, but he says something like, well you can go, I’ve got other things to do,  and won’t budge on this issue,  this would be a typical example of the kind of attitude that will tell you what kind of man he really is.

So you need to think about whether his attitude here is an issue for you. 

Once you’ve thought about this, you’re then ready to measure just how much of an issue his insensitivity is for you.

Measuring this impact is easy- just take one of your past memories and use your gut instinct and use a zero to 10 scale this to assess the level to which you feel this is an issue. Measure it’s impact from zero to 10,  where zero means it doesn’t bother you at all, it’s not an issue, and 10 where it is a real issue for you.

So as you  think about his insensitivity to what you want at particular times during your relationship, what is the first number that comes to mind? 

For example if your gut isn’t too strong, then give this issue a scale between zero and 4.  If this issue bothers you somewhat, then score a scale from 5- 7.  If it really is a problem for you then score from 8-10 obviously the higher you score the more it bothers you and indicates that this issue is a problem for you. 

Which brings us to the last point, how to use this information to decide what to do next. 

Realising that he doesn’t actually think about what you want in the relationship isn’t in of itself an indication that he is the wrong guy or the right guy for you- you need to use this alongside the other questions in the upcoming videos, plus other factors before you can make that judgement.

For example, whilst going through your normal daily routine, keep a mental note of how this issue is really impacting you and see whether the score you gave here today reflects how you really feel about this as an issue.  And if you would alter the score, alter it accordingly and set it aside for the moment. 

You now have the first sign that you may be with the wrong guy and how to use this to help you make better relationship decisions now and in the future.

So before I conclude remember to focus on whether this is an issue for you and if it is how much of an issue for you. 

Put this into practice now and you  may just save yourself from wasting weeks, months or even years on the wrong man.

Until the next time….

I have written extensively about warning signs that the man you’re with may not be right for you, or that a problem you have maybe getting out of hand.  But I’ve still found amongst my clients and on line that we, don’t always listen. It’s not because you do not want to listen and follow through it’s just that sometimes there are deeper reasons why you know what to do but still ignore great relationship advice. 

So in this little discussion I want to talk to you about why you may be ignoring the useful helpful advice, myself and others are giving you, so that  when you take this on board, you will find it easier to identify what has stopped you making changes, understand yourself much better and change those things you’ve been putting off changing but really want to change. 

Why you may be ignoring great relationship advice

In western society when it comes to relationships there is a lot of social conditioning that goes into controlling how we think and what we do.  For instance think about what society tells black women in America ( which is very different to the UK for example) There is an underlying message that because black men may be repressed that black women who love them need to support them even more than say an ethnic group who isn’t as repressed. 

And that’s all well and good, but if he happens to be the wrong man for you, then you are allowing yourself to put up with behaviour that doesn’t work for you, and in some cases bad for you. 

So in any situation where you’ve wondered why with the knowledge you know, you still aren’t following through, look at what messages, beliefs you have from the society you live within.  What are these messages telling you about how you should be in a relationship and what does that make you put up with in reality.

In the same vein, think about all the sayings we have floating around about the nature of relationships, ‘ relationships take work’, ‘ it takes two to make it work’, ‘you have to compromise’, ‘ you have to make sacrifices’, ‘ men wear the trousers’ and so on.  Think about what behaviour these messages will encourage you to put up with,t comparing what you do with what you want to do.

The thing is, there is a grain of truth in all of these sayings, I’ve used some of them myself and actually believe a lot of them to be true, but if you have any of these sayings as your personal mantra, a mantra that is almost like a conviction, then your behaviour will reflect that.

You may find that if you believe that relationships take work, for example, when you meet a difficult guy you are more likely to put up with his unacceptable behaviour for longer than if you had this as a guideline of what to expect from a relationship. Which is very different to using these sayings as your personal doctrine for how you should act.  You see where I’m going with this.

Your beliefs really do guide your behaviour and if you’ve found that despite the fact you agree with the advice you’re getting but you’re still not using it, then look at what messages you receive from society as another reason why you’re stopping yourself fully utilising the information you already have.

What will happen when you take this on board?

When you do look at your beliefs about how you should be in a relationship and compare that to how you actually want to be, you will increase your awareness of why you’re not getting the results you want.  And with added awareness comes a subtle shift in what you later do.  And that’s where you’ll see your changes taking place.

And of course your relationships will change.   You will start to do things differently and again that slight shift can have a profound effect on what you’re currently experiencing.

This happens because awareness always gives you more options than you thought you had before.  For instance, if you weren’t aware that you didn’t follow through because you had beliefs that relationships take work, now you understand that it is leading you to do things you don’t want to do and now you have the choice about how you will do it in the future.

And the great thing about being more aware is that it is great for every area of your life.  Not only can you now look at your behaviour in other contexts to see why you do what you do  and what you’d rather do instead, you now know it will help you modify what you do and you’ll get better results.

So if you have always wandered why you don’t follow through, you now have one more answer to that question.  

So, if you would like to understand this a bit more and how it will be impacting on your present relationship then leave me a comment or question below, or email me and I’ll answer your questions.

Until the next time….

Clients come to me all the time feeling frustrated that the man they’ve settled with takes them for granted, or doesn’t give as much as they’d want them to.  And though there are numerous reasons why they are in the situation they are in, almost without fail, if the woman is complaining, she is invariably being too nice for her own good.  

What I want to talk to you about is the myth that being nice gets you what you want as often as you think it would, and open your ears to the idea that, in reality, in personal relationships, being too nice can make it harder for you to have a happy relationship. 

In our society, women and men are groomed from an early age to value certain behaviours from each other, despite the fact that there is supposed to be gender equality, from my experience relationships show the true differences between men and women, and being too nice is rarely valued in men as much as it to women. 

And this is my point, if you are not getting the things you feel you want or need from your partner, then have a look at how much you give and how much you receive.  It’s important for you to realise that taking on board this new idea, may well help save you experiencing even more frustration.

To give is good or is it?

Over the last 8 – 9 years of being a coach, I can categorically state that every single female client I have had, believes she is being selfish if she thinks about herself first- or even thinks of herself at all.

Now think about that, hundreds of women think that in order to have a successfully happy marriage, selfishness is bad, wrong and they shouldn’t be it.  Yet these same women are the one’s where they are being taken advantage of in some aspect of their life, they give way too much and they are starting to resent it, their needs often get overlooked and they become more frustrated and unhappy. 

So my solution to their predicament, is to think about others less, and themselves more and that’s when I get

“ But isn’t that being selfish?”

Over the years my answer has always been the same, if you’re giving too much and that makes you feel frustrated or unhappy then give less and think about yourself more.  There isn’t a book handed down through the generations, that says you need to be doing what you are doing and that if you think of yourself first – now and then- that you are selfish.

But no matter how many times I’ve said it, no matter how much logic I throw at their argument, being overly accomodating, thinking about others first, will deplete you emotionally and lead to dissatisfaction. 

The other interesting thing is when I say to them that they are being too nice, I’ve never had one woman agree with me, they all maintain that they are not, they are mean, or other negative things, and being too nice isn’t how they would describe themselves.

Now reading into that we could go off on another tangent about self esteem but that’s another long story really.  What I would like you to consider here, is whether you yourself suffer from frustration, anger, annoyance and if you do, is the route of it your inability to say no, or to think of your needs and make them a priority?

To help you answer that, I will give you a couple of pointers to help you identify whether, you give too much, so take a read through and assess this for yourself.

If you give too much then:

1.         Do you  think about your partners needs first, what would work for him, what would work for others and you think about how you can fit around this?

Then learn how to think about what you want or need first, as apposed to thinking about pleasing your partner first. 

I am not saying not to think about him and his needs, but once in a while think about what you want first and start to hold back slightly, do what you want in little ways, and build your confidence in looking after yourself first.

2.         Do you rush around to fit other people’s errands into your already bulging schedule?  

Start being realistic about your the time and what you really can fit in.  If you spend your time running around others making sure things get done, and you flop exhausted at the end of the day because you are taking on too much of other peoples ‘stuff’ then see what happens if for once, you say no- and come up with an alternative for others to help you out for a change.  (Or do their own errands)

If you believe that if you don’t do things it wouldn’t get done and that others don’t even offer you help, then ask yourself if people, your husband for instance, does offer to help and you decline, or if he did offer once but because you always said no, he has stopped offering.  Or if in fact he has always expected you to carry the bulk of the work and that’s just how you settled. 

No matter what the initial stimulus, the important thing here is to notice how you got into the situation you’re in now, and to slowly start doing the opposite of what you’d normally do. 

Understand that over extending yourself, doing things for others that they can do for themselves, or not saying no for fear of offending others all contribute to you carrying more, and though you may on the one hand believe that you aren’t selfish and that’s a good thing, after a while, as you know, you end up carrying more stress.

Relationships are a minefield at the best of times, but what always comes through from my clients is that if they give too much, they end up feeling frustrated, and dissatisfied.  Finding the balance takes time, and if you start now with first recognising whether you do give too much then at least you know where you can start to make some changes .

By being more’selfish’ you will have more opportunity to being happier and more fulfilled, and you’ll find it easie to meet your own needs.  In short, being more ’selfish’ helps you look after yourself better than you may be at present. 

This system for boosting your relationship is simple really, by being able to focus on what you need to be happy and more importantly give yourself what you need to be happy, you are more likely to be happy.

But, I also know that the idea of you being labelled selfish by yourself or others will put you off ever thinking about yourself and feeling comfortable doing so,  so if you do use this idea, acknowledge to yourself that you  are important enough to be looked after. 

And the good thing is this strategy can also help you improve any health issues that you have.  This technique is great to use when you need to feel better about yourself to achieve something first as well as other benefits.  

If you would like any more help and support on this, then leave me a comment or question below, and I’ll get back to you with more pointers.

Until the next time….

There are so many ways to stop your relationship from stagnating and an often overlooked way is through cooperation.  

Cooperation is when you and your partner work together for a mutual benefit.  You have shared goals and shared responsibilities and you both work together to achieve the outcome.  You are in effect a team and as a team you both make sure that what needs to be done gets done.

Now an often overlooked aspect of marriage is the idea that you and your partner are a team, and you pull together in the same direction.  Now there may be an unwritten rule that this is naturally going to happen once you’re both committed to each other, but I’ve never had a client yet, who sees herself and her husband as a team, and even if she did, he didn’t.

And this is a big problem because if you and your spouse aren’t working together, pulling in the same direction and having the same or similar priority for your relationship, then you will drift apart, and the excitement that is usually there at the beginning of a relationship will dissipate.   

Is your priority the same as your husbands?

Another often overlooked important aspect to building a great relationship is how high a priority is your relationship- it’s wellbeing, compared to your husbands?  What I mean is that if I asked you to score your level of priority from a zero to ten where 10 makes your relationship your top priority and zero it isn’t that important at all, where you would place your relationship?  2?  6?  10?

And if you were to ask your husband where he places it where would he say?  Would it be the same or similar as yours?

And even if you don’t ask him to tell you in numbers where  how high a priority  he places your relationship, what he does will also tell you. 

You see given that we spend time on what’s most important to us, despite what we may say, you can get an idea just how important your relationship is to you and your husband based on how much time and effort you both spend on your relationship where cooperating with each other is key.

Now let’s say that you say your relationship is a high priority, but when your partner wants you to go out with him somewhere you are tired or busy- or vice versa, this will tell you how much of a priority your relationship is in reality.  And the level of cooperation is also a very good indication of how high a priority your relationship really is.    

Priority and cooperation is important if your relationship is to thrive and not stagnate. 

How to tell if cooperation is or is not high in your relationship

·         You agree – in the main- what needs to be done and who should do it

·         You don’t continually make concessions so things get done

·         Things run smoothly not because one person is running ragged but because both of you are pulling your weight

·         One of you is complaining about the workload or lack of time

·         One of you is resisting stepping up to their part of the deal

·         One of you is reluctant to take the agreed action

·         You don’t agree on course of action to be taken and it becomes stalled

·         One of you agrees in principle but sabotages the outcome

·         You pay lip service to the agreed action by doing the barest minimum of effort you can get away with

You get the idea.

The aim here is to recognise that by cooperating you are both pulling in the same direction and that increases relationship intimacy, and togetherness.  And when you don’t it will pull you apart and the relationship will suffer.

This is easy to overcome as you can see- all it takes is for you and your partner to talk about where you both want your relationship to go and work toward that.  If, as it has been for most of my clients, that your partner doesn’t have a view of where he wants the relationship to go, then you decide.

And here’s the deal here.  If you are the one who is deciding on where your relationship is going then what you say goes.  In any team, if the responsibility has been left to one person because the other person doesn’t or can’t give input, then if it has been left to you, then they have to cooperate with what needs to be done to keep your relationship on track.

The reason I say this is because it’s very easy to criticise or resist what needs to be done as  that just adds tension to the relationship- so with just one person taking the responsibility the other person has to support.

Part of cooperation is being able to work together as a team, and we all have strengths in different aspects of our relationship. By thinking and talking this through, you can both work more effectively together as a couple if you both play to your strengths.

 Another aspect of it is also to be clear where you are both cooperating and where you are not and take the time to work on working together on this.  If by default you find that you are the one who is taking responsibility for the well being of your relationship, then make sure you communicate this well to your partner because their role then is to take direction and cooperate. 

Cooperation is an often overlooked aspect of keeping the spark alive in a relationship- so take on board the things we’ve talked about here and let me know of your progress.  

If you also want to know about the 7 key areas that cause the most uncooperative behaviour that can threaten to derail your relationship- and potential solutions for you, then leave me your questions below.

Until the next time….

Hundreds of women every day scour the net or their local bookshop for answers that will tell them whether they should have their ex back. 

So in an aid to help you, I’m going to outline some things for you to consider if, like the hundreds of women who search daily  for answers, you’re considering having him back.

I don’t know what kind of woman you are when it comes to affairs of the heart,  but if you want to get back with your ex or he wants to get back with you, then the first thing I want to draw your attention to is the power of the first meeting.

There’s no doubt about it, that if you spend some time away from the man you love(d) then when you get back together it can seem so right and so  much better than the first time, at least at first. 

But it will only be a matter of time before you start to remember why you split up in the first place and then you’re back into the old routine of arguing and disagreeing with each other.  And as obvious as this may seem, time does have a way of distorting memories and you can conveniently forget that.  The reality is that spending time apart doesn’t necessarily resolve anything.

To illustrate, think back to your problems you had with your ex,  the ones that never got resolved.  Now time has passed and they aren’t at the top of your mind any longer,  so when you get together things feel great- except for one thing,  what has changed?

Specifically what has changed since the last time you were in a relationship with him?  I mean what has he done to change things and what have you done?  Because when you think about it, nothing probably has changed, and if the reason why you’ve gotten back together is because you felt miserable apart from each other, then things are not looking good for the survival of your relationship this time around.

Why?

When you or your ex focus only on how miserable you feel, then the reason to get back together isn’t because you’ve been actively fixing the problem, but because you don’t want to feel the pain of being apart.

And though you may think that’s a perfectly good reason to get back together, then think about it this way,  what have you and or your ex done to resolve things from the past?  What new strategies or solutions has he bought to the table?  How are things going to be different this time?

It is important that you consider this because if you don’t then you will be back at square one,  only this time your heart getting even more wounded in the process.  So make sure he or you are getting back together because you have been actively working on new solutions and not just because you missed him or he missed you.

The second thing I’d like you to consider is whether the circumstances in which you split up have changed.  For instance- stress from work, or a job that demanding a lot of time apart, might have been the deciding factor when you split.  But if now that has changed, and he is able to work in the same town as you, and there is no travelling involved, then that in itself takes away the added pressure and your relationship can at least have a fighting chance to survive. 

But if it’s as I have just written- that nothing has really changed – then nothing has changed.

Now, let’s say that in the throws of the breakup before, you decided that he was untrustworthy, my question to you is, can you now trust him again?  Because if you  can’t then that is telling you to stay away, but if you can,  that is a good indication that you can work things out.  You need to know that no matter what you go through in the future, because there will be hard times a head, that he is able to be there for you and not let you  down.

The trust issue is challenging because the only way you can know if he is trustworthy is to trust him,  and of course this means  there is the potential that he will let you down again.  All I can say to you here is  use your gut instinct and his past behaviour as your guide.  Also note whether you are the type of woman who usually makes excuses for his behaviour, because if you do you won’t necessarily see that he will let you down and you’ll get hurt all over again.

The last thing I’d like you to consider is the ‘rose tinted glasses’ syndrome.  You know what I mean here, the kind of thinking that makes you idealise the past and only think of the good times you had, how he looked at you or how he made you laugh…. and conveniently forget how he let you down time and again, how he wouldn’t commit, how he was uncommunicative and the arguments you had.  These things may be in the past, but it doesn’t mean that they would have miraculously gone just because it’s been a few months since you’ve seen each other.  

Of course there were good times, but it was the bad times that caused you both to split.

Having your ex back needs careful consideration,  and of course you know that already.  What I’d like you to really think about as well, is whether you can handle the impact of it not working out this time.  And even if you think or even know you can, why would you bother if no solutions have been presented to you, his basic personality is still going to be his basic personality, and you still want what you want?

So let me know, does this resonate with you, can you see where you may have had faulty thinking when it came to your ex, and fell for how you felt rather than the reality of what he’s really like?  

Leave me a comment below or ask me your questions.  

Until the  next time……….

How many tips, hints and strategies have you tried to get your relationship back on track?  How many books, courses and seminars have you been to with or without your spouse to ‘save’ your marriage?

The reason I ask is because I wonder if you’ve considered what marital problems really mean.  What I’d like you to think about is that on the one hand marital problems could be down to lack of time spent with each other, so you grow apart,  or stress at work spilling over into your life, so you argue more,  taking each other for granted, so resentment is built up or even hurt or anger from unresolved issues.

 And even though these are serious, at least can be serious for any relationship- have you considered that you’re with the wrong man and that’s what marital problems you’re having really mean?

One indication that you’re with the wrong man

Let me ask you another question-

“Thinking about your present relationship- can you be completely yourself and be loved”?

This question alone will, when answered honestly, tell you whether you are with the right man or not.  Because despite all the problems couples go through like the ones mentioned above, they can be solved, with willingness and commitment to the relationship.  But if when you’ve answered the above question, about whether you can be completely yourself and be loved,  and it comes back to you that no you can’t, that is THE indication that the marital problems you are going through is  serious. 

It is so serious that I would ask you to consider whether you are really with the right man.

Let me talk you through some of the answers that I’ve heard before to help you understand your own answer.

“I don’t know, I mean I think so” – This tells you that she is so unsure what being herself is and in itself isn’t a great indication of her life with her partner.

“ Yes sometimes, it depends on his mood”- which means she isn’t able to be express who she really is and relax by being herself  some of the time.  

“ Yes I can but I do worry sometimes that he will not like me because I’m being a pain or something” tells us that she has a slight insecurity about being herself and maybe she will be holding something back.

In each one of these answers, each woman indicated that being herself carried with it some insecurity about what that would mean for the relationship and you can tell that they would be holding part of their real selves back from that relationship,  which of course isn’t a good sign.

It is so important that you are able to be yourself because that is what allows you to attract the right kind of man.  You see, your self esteem and your confidence are tied into how much you allow yourself to be yourself.

And when I say you allow yourself to be yourself, I mean that it is you who stops you from being you.  Now I know that can sound harsh, and as controlling as some men can be, it is you who decides how to react to his behaviour and at a deeper level you are allowing less of you to be known.

Of course it goes without saying that you have to feel safe before you will be your complete self, and this is how you really do know, not only from the answer you gave to the question I asked,  but how safe you feel you can be yourself with the man you’re with.

The hardest thing for any of my clients, and I suppose this may apply to you as well, is risking rejection if you feel that by being yourself you won’t be completely accepted.  Because the acceptance from the man you’re with, is very important, and it tells you  whether you believe you are worthy of being loved.

I won’t go into it too much here, I’ll talk about this at another time, but part of being yourself in a relationship does depend to a large degree whether you feel you are worthy of being loved, and if you are rejected whether you can handle it.  So you can see that the fear of rejection will to a large extent dictate whether you feel you can be yourself. And if you are not with the right man then this will make it even harder for you.  

Back to my original point. 

If you are only yourself under certain conditions the next question I want to ask you is:

“ What would need to happen for you to feel comfortable  being your complete self in your / a relationship?”

List your answers. 

And if you want to know what to do next and how to answer the second part of the question …. an still be loved… get in touch with me by leaving a comment/ question below.

Until the next time…

Has anyone ever said this to you, or you to them? 

You just don’t understand is something we all say, especially about our partner, family members and parents.  And when one of my clients complains that her husband, doesn’t understand, she feels deflated that he doesn’t just get ‘it’.  And she thinks that the solution to the problem  is to get him to understand, because then everything would be fine.

She firmly believes that if he understood her then he’d give her what she wants,  and the problem would go away.

But would it?

Understanding doesn’t always lead to resolution.

There is a myth that if the other person understood us or our situation then the problem would be easy to solve and eventually disappear.  But in reality understanding doesn’t always lead to resolution because the other person just may not want to give you what you want, and that’s the real problem.

If your husband, boyfriend or significant other doesn’t want to give you what you’ve asked for, then it won’t matter whether he understands or not.  Granted if he did understand then it may mean he’s more sympathetic to your perspective, but essentially it won’t matter because he’s not willing or able to give you what you want.

And this is where the problem get worse because you may start a campaign of trying to persuade him to change his mind and bring all sorts of evidence to the table in a bid for him to see reason.

Things take a turn for the worse, when you realise that he isn’t going  to give in. 

And because this isn’t as obvious as it first seems, when I point out to them that understanding still doesn’t necessarily lead to them getting what they want, they at first don’t believe me- until it’s proven to be true for themselves.

So what’s my point?

My point is that a lot of the relationship books levelled at helping couples improve their relationship,   always focus on the communication between the couple, getting you to believe that if you improve the communication between you and your husband then things will be fine. 

And as much as this is true, to an extent,  making someone, anyone understand you is only half the battle.  The other half is accepting  that, that person still  may not want to grant you your wish and if the decision rests in their hands, then you  will need to accept this and that’s not always easy. 

So let’s say you and your husband are arguing or discussing a topic where you don’t understand his perspective, and he doesn’t understand yours- how do you get a resolution?

What I’d like you to think about is there can only be one aim in any interaction it is either to get him to understand your perspective, or for you to be able to persuade him to adopt your perspective.  Having two aims makes the interaction more difficult for you to get your outcome.

And also think about how you can get what you want without having to rely on someone else.  Because when you understand that him understanding your perspective doesn’t necessarily mean you will get what you want, then you are more likely to find ways to get your outcome on your own volition. 

Think of it this way.  If you have teenagers, and he or she wants to stay out all night, because her friends do, you may understand her need to be part of the group, but it doesn’t mean that you can grant her wish.

And  it’s the same for you and your husband. 

And as challenging as it may be to do this, there is no point arguing to make him change his mind on something that he doesn’t agree with.  Your aim is to find ways for you to get what you want without causing a rift between you and your husband.

And if you want to know how you could do this, tell me your situation and leave me your questions below- I’ll answer all your questions.

Until the next time…

No I’m not advocating having an affair far from it, but have you noticed that a couple whose marriage or long term relationship is suffering, and they disconnect from each other, can suddenly find the time and energy, to be all they need to be with their new partner?

When two people get together, they are deemed compatible with each other and for the most part they rub along nicely together.  They meet each others needs, make each other laugh, make each other and their relationship a priority and make the effort to spend time together and do what is necessary to build that connection.

Yet a few months or years down the track, they don’t have time to talk, go out, laugh, plan, cuddle, make love, you name it, they don’t have time.  Yet when one of the couple has an affair, they find the time, energy and focus to do all the things they don’t do in their present relationship.

Funny that isn’t it?

And this is why having an affair could tell you how you should be in your marriage.

Think about it like this, you want to save your marriage?  You want to feel excited and alive again, you also want your husband or boyfriend to pay attention to you and make you feel loved and adored.  So if you were to embark on an affair ( and no I’m not telling you to do this) if you were to think about the things you would do, what would they be?

I did this exercise with myself just to see what would come up for me, and it was amazing really because within a few minutes of thinking about it, I came up with lots of ideas about how I would be with him. 

I would focus on how much fun we could have- I would ignore the irritating way he chewed his food.  I would make the effort with how I dressed, I wouldn’t lounge round in my torn but comfy cardigan.  I would make an effort to talk about things that interested him- I wouldn’t roll my eyes because I’ve heard it all before.   And do you know I started to feel excited gain.  

So then I looked at my present boyfriend, and do you know felt quite excited about seeing him and being with him.

So have a go.  Think about how you would act if you were to embark on an illicit (albeit fantasy ) affair.  Spend a few minutes thinking just how much pleasure you could stand initiating and see what comes up for you.  

When you’re all excited at the possibility of illicit love, then turn that to your present relationship and note what is missing, why that same enthusiasm isn’t still there for him, and make him the object of your fantasy affair.

And then put your thoughts into action.  Spend each day doing one of those ideas that came up for you.  For instance if you know you would look at your lover in a sultry way, then do this with your present husband, and see how that goes.  

Ignore any embarrassment,  just have fun.  

In the next article, I’ll be taking a slightly more serious look at why affairs happen and what can leave a bad taste in your mouth years later.

Until the next time….