Getting More Understanding In Your Relationship

Posted: May 30th, 2009 | Author: admin | Filed under: Marriage help and advice |

You just don’t understand!

 

Has anyone ever said this to you, or you to them? 

 

You just don’t understand is something we all say, especially about our partner, family members and parents.  And when one of my clients complains that her husband, doesn’t understand, she feels deflated that he doesn’t just get ‘it’.  And she thinks that the solution to the problem  is to get him to understand, because then everything would be fine.

 

She firmly believes that if he understood her then he’d give her what she wants,  and the problem would go away.

 

But would it?

 

Understanding doesn’t always lead to resolution.

 

There is a myth that if the other person understood us or our situation then the problem would be easy to solve and eventually disappear.  But in reality understanding doesn’t always lead to resolution because the other person just may not want to give you what you want, and that’s the real problem.

 

If your husband, boyfriend or significant other doesn’t want to give you what you’ve asked for, then it won’t matter whether he understands or not.  Granted if he did understand then it may mean he’s more sympathetic to your perspective, but essentially it won’t matter because he’s not willing or able to give you what you want.

 

And this is where the problem get worse because you may start a campaign of trying to persuade him to change his mind and bring all sorts of evidence to the table in a bid for him to see reason.

 

Things take a turn for the worse, when you realise that he isn’t going  to give in. 

 

And because this isn’t as obvious as it first seems, when I point out to them that understanding still doesn’t necessarily lead to them getting what they want, they at first don’t believe me- until it’s proven to be true for themselves.

 

So what’s my point?

 

My point is that a lot of the relationship books levelled at helping couples improve their relationship,   always focus on the communication between the couple, getting you to believe that if you improve the communication between you and your husband then things will be fine. 

 

And as much as this is true, to an extent,  making someone, anyone understand you is only half the battle.  The other half is accepting  that, that person still  may not want to grant you your wish and if the decision rests in their hands, then you  will need to accept this and that’s not always easy. 

 

So let’s say you and your husband are arguing or discussing a topic where you don’t understand his perspective, and he doesn’t understand yours- how do you get a resolution?

 

What I’d like you to think about is there can only be one aim in any interaction it is either to get him to understand your perspective, or for you to be able to persuade him to adopt your perspective.  Having two aims makes the interaction more difficult for you to get your outcome.

 

And also think about how you can get what you want without having to rely on someone else.  Because when you understand that him understanding your perspective doesn’t necessarily mean you will get what you want, then you are more likely to find ways to get your outcome on your own volition. 

 

Think of it this way.  If you have teenagers, and he or she wants to stay out all night, because her friends do, you may understand her need to be part of the group, but it doesn’t mean that you can grant her wish.

 

And  it’s the same for you and your husband. 

 

And as challenging as it may be to do this, there is no point arguing to make him change his mind on something that he doesn’t agree with.  Your aim is to find ways for you to get what you want without causing a rift between you and your husband.

 

And if you want to know how you could do this, tell me your situation and leave me your questions below- I’ll answer all your questions.

 

Until the next time…

 

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