How to know when to leave / breakup with him

Posted: April 28th, 2009 | Author: admin | Filed under: Overcoming Relationship Problems | Tags: break up |

How to know when it’s time to leave/ breakup. 

There comes a time in everyone’s life when they have  to make the hard decision to move on when a relationship isn’t working.  Some of us know when the time is right, others of us wait and wait and wait until things are so bad that the inevitable happens.  And for others still, they take what they think is the easy route and have an affair.    

It’s not the best thing in the world to be dumped, nor does  it feel good when you’re in a relationship that doesn’t work, so if  you want to end your relationship  how to you know when it’s time to leave, and move on?   And what are the signs that’s it’s over?  

Breaking up isn’t fun for either party and as much as it can be extremely painful, it is necessary and does carry  with it some benefits.  You  get your life back under your control.  You get to feel in charge again.  You get to decide what is best for you, no more compromising that leaves you feeling taken advantage of, no more discussions that end in arguments, no more guessing what’s on his mind.   

And of course there are the down sides, no one to share your life, no one to talk to when you’ve had a hard day at work, no one to make you smile or laugh and cheer you up.  But if this was all there was to a relationship then you wouldn’t ever think  of leaving. 

Being with a man who strings you along is no picnic, so why take the harder path and end things?  

When you move on and end a relationship that isn’t working, you do eventually get to find someone more suitable and for those of your friends, family and work colleagues who have suffered through your break up, there is relief, and sanity again.   

The feeling of helplessness as a family member or best friend goes through a breakup can be hard to bear sometimes. 

You also get to stop feeling like a victim to circumstance; you now can call the shots and get your life back on some sort of even keel. 

Sounds good- but it still will be painful- unless of course you weren’t really emotionally attached to your partner. 

So it goes without saying that knowing when is the best time for you to leave the relationship and move on would help lessen the emotional angst that comes with a breakup.  And that is what this report is designed to help you do- identify some of the most common signs that’s its over, so that  it is easier for you to make your decision- should you stay or should you go?  And if it is to go, when?   

Signs it’s time to call it a day 

So what is the overriding sign that tells you it’s over – at least for you?  It’s simply that you don’t want to be in that relationship anymore.   

Without exception, with no dressing up, every client I have had who is ready to move on, every friend I have ever spoken to, every heartache filled conversation from work colleagues all point to the same thing, when you don’t want to do what it takes to make the relationship work any more- it’s over. 

Simple as. 

Why is this true?  Because without commitment, without a desire to work on your relationship, without a good reason why you should stick around, you will eventually sabotage your relationship by withdrawing, withholding and eventually shutting down. 

You may have noticed that a relationship breakup always starts with one of the couple withdrawing their love and affection.  Yes there may be arguments and disagreements before hand, but that in itself is no indication that the relationship is on the rocks.  What really paints a more accurate picture is the level of withdrawal one of the couple is doing. 

Does he become  quieter than normal?

Does he refuse to tell you what’s on his mind?

Do you feel that you are living with a stranger and  a gulf is appearing between you both? 

Then there is withholding

Similar to withdrawing, your partner or even you at this stage no longer engage emotionally with each other, conversations become strained- intimacy becomes more of an issue and then one or both have shut down and for all intense and purpose have left the relationship.  They may be there in body but not there emotionally anymore. 

So in short   

You will know when it’s time to leave because:

You don’t want to be with them anymore 

And the reasons are wide and varied.   

He  has  become more aggressive and argumentative when you talk 

There is a lot more anger aimed at you and you won’t necessarily understand why.  You could also be more irritable and angry at him and though you feel bad you can’t seem to help yourself. 

You’ve started noticing other men, and have indulged in flirting, and checking out singles bars, or singles sites.  

The little intimacies that you used to share with your partner have stopped, you no longer feel close to them. 

Depending on how much you used to talk and laugh, you have nothing left to say except maybe a barbed comment to your partner.  Long awkward silences, and avoiding of intimate conversation is a clue that it’s all become business as usual type conversation and you’re not really sharing anything of deep significance. 

They feel down but don’t share this with you. 

I don’t know about you but who is the first person you run to when you’re feeling down or low?  If it’s always been your partner and now you’ve stopped, then you no longer see him as the person you want to be vulnerable with anymore and this is telling you the emotional ties have been broken.  Of course it could equally be your partner who has stopped confiding in you and the outcome is the same.   

How they react to certain things you do can also be another sticking point?

You used to be okay with certain things he did and now you find yourself reacting more angrily, more impatiently, less lovingly.

Your sex life changes, holding back or there is a lack of engagement. 

Either one or both of you has withdrawn and this could be the deciding factor which leads to your eventual breakup.  There are very few of us who can cope being with someone who rejects us physically because especially for women this the time when they feel closest to their partner- so whether it’s you who has withdrawn or your partner, this can be a strong indication that it’s over and that’s it’s time to leave. 

All in all, each one of these signs can be what you do or what your partner does and subsequently how you end up feeling- and as I said at the beginning of this report, it all comes down to whether you want to do what you can to save your relationship, and of course whether your partner feels the same.  If you don’t then it’s over.   

How to make your decision to move on

To get you in the place to make your decision go through this 7 step by step process. 

1.  Decide what you want

2.  Decide what you no longer want

3.  Practice what you are going to say

4.  Make a plan of what you are going to do next

5.  Find friends to support you

6.  Be aware of grieving process

7.  Give yourself time before you move on to another relationship 

The process is quite straightforward- you decide what you want first of all and compare that with what you have now.  This will show you how far you are from your ideal in your existing relationship.   

Next decide what you no longer want.  This can have a double benefit first of all it can help you decide that if these things were sorted then you’d give your present relationship another go, and if not, then you know what you don’t want from another relationship and therefore are more likely to be in the position of it lasting. 

If you’ve decided that all in all you want to leave, then you need to tell your partner it’s over.  The easiest way for you to do this is to  write it out.  Practice what you’re going to say in writing first so that you don’t leave out anything important.  You could of course use a friend as a sounding board and practice saying things to her.    

Making a plan could be as simple as deciding where you are going to live, or how you are going to get your life back on track to a more detailed map of the next year of your life.  Either one is right as it depends on what type of personality you have as to what works for you. 

It goes without saying that having a support network is essential in any break up situation, but what most people don’t think about is the grieving process they will go through.  No matter how much you want to leave and how right it might be for you to do this, you will go through the grieving process because you will experience a sense of loss.  Much like you would when you leave your job or get the sack, you will feel the loss.  

Most people don’t take this into account and can be left  feeling really out of sorts because they didn’t think they would miss someone whom they spent the last few months hating.  Therefore take note that this is on the cards.   

The last part of the process is to give yourself time before getting involved again- this can be hard for women and indeed men, but it is the best way not to make the same mistakes again and give yourself the emotional rest you will need. 

What you need to be aware of 

To make this move as smooth as possible, you need to be aware of a couple of things.   

First the grieving process.   

As I have just mentioned most people don’t take this into account and  it’s at this stage that you can find yourself going back to a partner you have left, or even casually dating with him again because the void can be difficult to deal with.  What you need to do is look up the grieving process and understand the stages that it takes, because for warned is for armed and can stop you  going back to him just because the pain is difficult to bear.  Knowing that you will go through various stages will help you deal with how you feel when you have broken away from the relationship.   

The second thing to watch out for is guilt.   

I have mentioned this before on other posts, but guilt will really stop you leaving or will make you hang on and on and in some cases make you go back when you really don’t want to go back.  You really need to talk to someone and get it clear in your head that you are ready to move on so guilt will not make you feel obliged to give a relationship another chance when there it isn’t what you really want. 

Another area that can stump people being successful in this process is embarrassment.   

The fear of what other people may think can stop you from even leaving in the first place.  The usual scenario is that you have pushed for certain changes, you get them and it dawns on you that actually you no longer want it, you no longer want to be with him, but you are too embarrassed to admit this.  Be very aware of this. 

And the last thing I want to draw your attention to is well meaning friends. 

Listening to friends opinions and views about what you’re doing and how you should do it can and has been known to derail your attempts to leave or stay.  The best piece of advice I can offer you is to seek an independent source to talk things out with first- they have no agenda and so will make it easier for you to know how you really feel and what you really want.

If you carry out these suggestions and take note of what can get in your way, you will be well on your way to either leaving your present relationship or staying.    

And what can you expect in return? 

Relief 

It goes without saying that if you are in a relationship that is draining the life out of you, you spend more time arguing disagreeing or finding fault then leaving it all behind can be such a relief you will wonder why you hadn’t done it before now. 

Higher self esteem 

When you end up doing what’s best for you, you will notice a dip in your self esteem at first, but soon after,  a huge surge because you took the time to change a situation that wasn’t working for you.  And the added benefit it that at work or another context, you will feel much more sure of yourself especially when it comes to letting go of something that isn’t working for you- you’re more likely now to tread that path.

Increased happiness 

We all want more happiness in our lives, and when you make the decision to go for more of what you want, the very first thing you will get is the feeling that life is for living and that you can start to enjoy yourself more and more.  You may not have noticed just how much of a rut you found yourself in, but once you leave or decide to stay, you will feel happier.  What matters here is that you are doing what is best for you. 

More laughter 

Laughter doesn’t get a mention as a by product of a break up- but if you have stopped laughing when you leave you will find yourself laughing even more and everyone feels life is easier if there is more laughter in it. 

Best of all when my clients decide to leave a relationship  they have an increased sense of hope for their future and find that deciding what they want means they get it in the next relationship, at least they will work on getting it instead of just leaving it to chance.   They get to feel loved, share greater intimacy and more connection with their next partner, because they make sure that he is capable of giving those things from the very start.  There is nothing like a woman who knows what she wants and has the increased confidence to go get it. 

Leaving a relationship isn’t easy for anyone, but using the above plan and getting support really does make a huge difference to your success.   

Until the next time….

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