Is Your Relationship Lacking Commitment?

Posted: May 25th, 2009 | Author: admin | Filed under: Men in Relationships |

First he wants you then he leaves you- Are you in love with a commitment phobic guy?  Part 2

 

In part one of this article, we talked about a special kind of commitment phobic guy, the one who doesn’t display the classic signs of not wanting to commit to you, in fact he might be acting as if he really wants you and really wants to settle down with you.

 

Until that fateful day.

 

That fateful day maybe the next morning, the next week or even weeks, months or years into your marriage.  There are signs/ clues to watch out for, which I covered in part one, and to make it easier for you to spot them, those clues can come at various distinct stages in your relationship.

 

The 4 dangerous points to watch out for

 

Dangerous point 1: Your first date

 

Have you ever had a first date that was magical and perfect?  If not can you imagine that the guy you’ve been eyeing up, notices you and finally asks you out.  You’re nervous of course, but the time of the date arrives, he looks great and things get better from that moment on. 

 

He’s funny, interesting, and takes you to the most wonderful place- you spend a really great day together.  The evening comes and it’s time to end the date and go home.  You end up at his place and the next morning you wake with a smile on your face at how great the day had been.

 

You have to go though, things to do.  As you get your things together, you take a long look as you say goodbye.  He smiles and you walk out of the door to get on with your day.

 

That evening you wait for a call, but nothing,  the next day you wait and nothing, in fact you never hear from him again, and you don’t know why.

 

As awful as this is, this is a classic case of being with a guy who just can’t or won’t commit- and for him once he’s slept with a woman – sex to him means commitment and that is his cue to run.  So no matter how much you rack your brain to think of what it was that you could have done differently, this has nothing to do with you.

 

Dangerous stage 2: Within the first month

 

Like our friend above, this man could call you after the first date, but each call he seems different, more distant.  And though he has led you to believe that he was really into you, that you shared the same values, that he in fact is the dependable kind of guy, he really is at the panicking stage now.  He knows he has to live up to his talk and he simply won’t be able to do it.  And so he leaves and you don’t understand why.  

 

You may respond by sending him text messages, leaving phone messages on his answer machine or mobile, send him letters or even buy him something if you feel it will get him to respond, but he won’t, he can’t.

 

The awful thing is that you will have turned the situation around to being  your fault- which of course it isn’t.

 

Dangerous point 3: Living together

 

You may be luckier than most and survived the first date, the first month and have actually spent time together and it’s been a couple of years now and you both talk about moving in together and finally becoming a serious couple.

 

So you buy your apartment, or house, you do all the arrangements, you move in but he gets cold feet.  You notice this but pass it off as nothing to worry about.   You talk to him and he says everything is fine, you don’t quite believe him but he insists it’s okay. 

 

Then when it is time for him to move in, he has reasons why he can’t –which you accept at first.  But then he starts to avoid the issue altogether and your communication gets a little more fraught. 

 

Things come to a head one evening when you expecting him to call over as  promised, there is no show and you can’t understand why.  You text, email, you call, but he’s not available.  Eventually you catch up with him and ask him what’s going on, and it all comes out that he’s been seeing someone else and just wasn’t ready to move in with you.

 

You devastated, go into a complete tail spin- you try to understand where you misunderstood his signals because it was him who wanted things to move on to the next stage, it was him who walked around with you looking at houses, it was him who told you he loved you and wanted to marry you.

 

Unfortunately, he has gone into full panic mode by now and like the other two stages would have found it almost claustrophobic,  and just had to end it.

 

Dangerous point 4: After the wedding

 

We’ve all heard stories of women and men being jilted at the alter, but not for this man, he waits until he has married you first before he jilts you.  It can equally come out of the blue, but not before he has confused you about his feelings for you.

 

It could happen like this.

 

You’ve been dating, get married and almost within the first couple of weeks, he starts to complain that you’ve changed, or your friends don’t really like him.  Or that you’re not doing something right, or any host of things.  The point is here, he is finding fault with things that were not an issue before you got married, but now for him they are.

 

Things get so bad that you or him break it off, but deep down you feel he has manoeuvred things to end like they did.

 

Again you blame yourself but it isn’t your fault- not with this kind of guy.

 

And in the next part I’ll share with you, what you could be doing to make it worse for you and tips to help you navigate your way out from a man who can’t commit.

 

Until the next time….   

 

 

 

 

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