Break Up Sex Does It Work For Women?

What you need to think about if you think that break up sex will spice up your life

I went to my local bookshop at the weekend and browsing through my usual books I spotted something that shocked me- ‘break up sex’.  For those of you who aren’t sure what mean, let me explain.

Break up sex is having sex with an ex, whether he’s your ex husband or ex boyfriend.  Call me naive, but I had never heard of such a thing, I didn’t know it existed, and I have to ask myself why? Read the rest of this entry »

What To Do With A Guy Who Won’t/ Can’t Commit

First he wants you then he leaves you- Are you in love with a commitment phobic guy?  Part 3

In part 2 of this series, I talked about the 4 dangerous points in a relationship where our commitment phobic guy could potentially derail your relationship with him.  And ended by saying we would cover where you could be making things worse for yourself and how to navigate your way from a man who won’t or can’t commit to you.

It all starts at the beginning – with you.

Have you ever dated someone whom you felt okay about but it was obvious from his behaviour that he was more keen than you were?  If you have then you may then have been flattered by his attention and gave in just because of that, or because he seemed okay.

Even if you liked him as much as you thought he liked you, chances are that if you have been attracted to a commitment phobic guy, then your behaviour, later on,  would signal that something was not quite right in the relationship, but couldn’t quite put your finger on.

At first you may have been confused about he messages you were receiving- what he said and what he did were not congruent with each other, and then took one of two paths.  You either confronted him and he left, and you blamed yourself, or you didn’t confront him and he still left and you blamed yourself for not addressing the issue earlier.  Either way, you have been left feeling confused and slightly more insecure because of the turn up of events.

And the fact that you may know intellectually that this wasn’t your fault, that it was him who wouldn’t commit, you will still tend to turn things back on yourself and rack your brain for a reason why it could have happened, the conclusion being that somehow it was something you did or didn’t do that caused the relationship to fail.

When things are too good, he gets running

What you may not realise is that it’s the opposite reason why he left- things were working out, things between you were too good, he could sense the time to commit to you approaching and that was his trigger to double back and run.

And now we get to the tricky part for you.

Instead of realising that you were okay in all of this, you were warm enough, good enough, attentive enough and loving enough, his behaviour makes you doubt you and your ability to keep a man happy, and not leave you.

And this is when you decide that in order to stop him from running, in order to get him back, the answer is for you to be even more attentive, even more loving and even more accomodating,  which with this type of man, simply doesn’t work, it is counter productive.  They do not want to settle down and commit- for one reason or another they can’t- so you becoming even more ‘perfect’ only makes things worse.

If you have found yourself in this confusing situation and every instinct is to try and get him back, I think you need to ask yourself whether in your hearts of hearts you believe you can keep this man who doesn’t want to commit or as painful as it is, whether the best thing is to let him go.

Obviously this is easier said than done,  and the first thing I can tell you to help you navigate your way around this situation is develop a plan.  Because if you recognise that you are with a commitment phobic guy, and it’s been a few months to a few years in your relationship- a plan can help.  

Plan to navigate around or away from a commitment phobic guy.

Step 1: Identify the types of men who present a challenge when it comes to relationships learning how they think, what typical things they say and which behaviours are typical of these kinds of men.

Step 2: Use your past experiences to determine whether the man or men you’ve dated, lived with or married to, was ever going to or ever able to change.

Step 3: Decide for yourself what kind of relationship you really want and the type you really need.  Write this out so you know when a man comes close to matching it.

Step 4:  Build up your sense of self, your self esteem and self confidence so that you don’t get overly hurt if you decide that a commitment phobic guy is for you- despite how he behaves.  

Step 5: Develop a strong sense of independence where you refuse to take on board responsibility for these kinds of men and learn how to detach from their behaviour

Step 6: Decide how you want to be treated and make sure you ‘make’ him treat you this way.

Additional step

Learn what makes men tick- this will arm you with the necessary knowledge and strategies, to make this easier for you.

Being with a commitment phobic guy isn’t easy and I’m not saying you should necessarily leave him,  this is your choice.  What I am saying is that you have an even bigger challenge living with and loving this type of man, and if you want to do this, or feel it’s too late he has your heart, then there are things you can do.

I will be sharing with you a resource you can refer to which will give you some grounding and then access to a coaching course I run to help women to first of all stop wasting years of their life on the wrong men, and later advanced coaching course which teaches you the real things you can do to turn things around in your relationship- I’ll let you know about this,  very soon. 

Until then what are your experiences of men who won’t or can’t commit?  Have you had your heart broken or did you find a way to deal with it?  Did you leave him or did he leave you?  And if so how did you cope with the break up?  If you stayed knowing he was scared of committing what do you do to make this work for you?

I look forward to your comments.  

Until the next time…

Is Your Relationship Lacking Commitment?

First he wants you then he leaves you- Are you in love with a commitment phobic guy?  Part 2

In part one of this article, we talked about a special kind of commitment phobic guy, the one who doesn’t display the classic signs of not wanting to commit to you, in fact he might be acting as if he really wants you and really wants to settle down with you.

Until that fateful day.

That fateful day maybe the next morning, the next week or even weeks, months or years into your marriage.  There are signs/ clues to watch out for, which I covered in part one, and to make it easier for you to spot them, those clues can come at various distinct stages in your relationship.

The 4 dangerous points to watch out for

Dangerous point 1: Your first date

Have you ever had a first date that was magical and perfect?  If not can you imagine that the guy you’ve been eyeing up, notices you and finally asks you out.  You’re nervous of course, but the time of the date arrives, he looks great and things get better from that moment on. 

He’s funny, interesting, and takes you to the most wonderful place- you spend a really great day together.  The evening comes and it’s time to end the date and go home.  You end up at his place and the next morning you wake with a smile on your face at how great the day had been.

You have to go though, things to do.  As you get your things together, you take a long look as you say goodbye.  He smiles and you walk out of the door to get on with your day.

That evening you wait for a call, but nothing,  the next day you wait and nothing, in fact you never hear from him again, and you don’t know why.

As awful as this is, this is a classic case of being with a guy who just can’t or won’t commit- and for him once he’s slept with a woman – sex to him means commitment and that is his cue to run.  So no matter how much you rack your brain to think of what it was that you could have done differently, this has nothing to do with you.

Dangerous stage 2: Within the first month

Like our friend above, this man could call you after the first date, but each call he seems different, more distant.  And though he has led you to believe that he was really into you, that you shared the same values, that he in fact is the dependable kind of guy, he really is at the panicking stage now.  He knows he has to live up to his talk and he simply won’t be able to do it.  And so he leaves and you don’t understand why.  

You may respond by sending him text messages, leaving phone messages on his answer machine or mobile, send him letters or even buy him something if you feel it will get him to respond, but he won’t, he can’t.

The awful thing is that you will have turned the situation around to being  your fault- which of course it isn’t.

Dangerous point 3: Living together

You may be luckier than most and survived the first date, the first month and have actually spent time together and it’s been a couple of years now and you both talk about moving in together and finally becoming a serious couple.

So you buy your apartment, or house, you do all the arrangements, you move in but he gets cold feet.  You notice this but pass it off as nothing to worry about.   You talk to him and he says everything is fine, you don’t quite believe him but he insists it’s okay. 

Then when it is time for him to move in, he has reasons why he can’t –which you accept at first.  But then he starts to avoid the issue altogether and your communication gets a little more fraught. 

Things come to a head one evening when you expecting him to call over as  promised, there is no show and you can’t understand why.  You text, email, you call, but he’s not available.  Eventually you catch up with him and ask him what’s going on, and it all comes out that he’s been seeing someone else and just wasn’t ready to move in with you.

You devastated, go into a complete tail spin- you try to understand where you misunderstood his signals because it was him who wanted things to move on to the next stage, it was him who walked around with you looking at houses, it was him who told you he loved you and wanted to marry you.

Unfortunately, he has gone into full panic mode by now and like the other two stages would have found it almost claustrophobic,  and just had to end it.

Dangerous point 4: After the wedding

We’ve all heard stories of women and men being jilted at the alter, but not for this man, he waits until he has married you first before he jilts you.  It can equally come out of the blue, but not before he has confused you about his feelings for you.

It could happen like this.

You’ve been dating, get married and almost within the first couple of weeks, he starts to complain that you’ve changed, or your friends don’t really like him.  Or that you’re not doing something right, or any host of things.  The point is here, he is finding fault with things that were not an issue before you got married, but now for him they are.

Things get so bad that you or him break it off, but deep down you feel he has manoeuvred things to end like they did.

Again you blame yourself but it isn’t your fault- not with this kind of guy.

And in the next part I’ll share with you, what you could be doing to make it worse for you and tips to help you navigate your way out from a man who can’t commit.

Until the next time….   

Is He Running Away From Your Relationship?

First he wants you then he leaves you- Are you in love with a commitment phobic guy? Pt 1

Have you ever heard of the term “ pursuit/panic syndrome”?  Apparently it accurately describes the kind of man who has pursued you one minute and then panics and leaves you the next- usually without warning and usually to women’s complete surprise.

In the game of love, typically you will meet a man and given the natural and reciprocal attraction you feel toward him and he toward you, the game begins.  He showers you with time, attention, gifts, and makes it known to you that he’s more than interested in you.

You allow this to happen because in the natural course of relationships, it feels good to be wooed, pursued and made to feel special.

But there comes  a time in any relationship with this kind of guy, where he will turn on his heels and runs and you may not see it coming.

Why does he run? 

And why don’t you see it coming.

You don’t see it coming because of his pursuit of you.  Typically he will come across quite strongly, and given that we’re talking about commitment phobic guys here, he doesn’t show the classic signs of not wanting to commit to you and the relationship. 

So couple his determination to pursue you, and the lack of the classic commitment phobic behaviours, that’s why you won’t see it coming.

And the reason he runs is because after a while- it can be after the first time you slept together, it can be weeks into the relationship, it can even be months or years later, there will be a time when he feels, ‘trapped’.  And it’s at this point that he doubles back on himself and runs away from you and the relationship.

Gut feelings.

I heard a story the other day about a woman who had been married to a man for years, raised their children together, supported him through changing his career, and one day he announced he was leaving and that was the end of their marriage.  Yes he was leaving them for another woman who was pregnant with his child, and that was bad enough, but what was worse was that the wife in question didn’t have an idea that something was up, or so the story went.

It turns out that in hindsight, months after this has happened, she did see those clues.  He started acting differently, he lost a lot of  weight, he took up new interests, he started staying away from home- with plausable excuses, but a change in his behaviour.  The wife knew something was up, in fact others around her also knew, but couldn’t quite put their finger on it- until later when it all started to make more sense.

So with this type of guy, look out for the cues, the change in his behaviour and more importantly, how it strikes you. 

We all have a sixth sense, a gut feeling about things, and it may only be a fleeting thought that crosses your mind, which you dismiss, but it’s there.  And any uneasiness on your part could be the trigger you need to help you detect changes that you may not like,  but need to know about.

So are there any other clues?

There are 4 distinct points when this type of man will turn on his heels and run which we shall talk about in the next article.

Until then, identify whether the man you’re involved with is in fact anything like the man I’ve described here.

Look at your gut feelings and ask yourself how you feel.  Are you uneasy about something?  Has something been troubling, niggling at you?  

Later I’ll give you access to a great resource of the major types of men who do not have  good relationship potential,  until then, think about what I’ve asked you here and get clear on what it is that is bothering you.

Until the next time….

How Do I Know He’s Ready To Commit?

Is the relationship going anywhere or not?  What tells you he’s not going to commit?

Read these two scenarios and tell me the likelihood that they will foster a committed relationship.

Scenario 1

“ I’m 30 and my boyfriend is 55 and has never been in a long term relationship.  We’ve been together for over a year now, is there any chance he will ask me to marry him?”

Scenario 2

“My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for around 3 years now.  He can’t seem to make up his mind whether he wants to stick with it or not.  Will he ever commit to settling down with me or not”

What do you think, do you think they’ll get together and commit to their partner and live happily ever after?

The thing about commitment is that we all want it, but it’s not always that easy to get.  And it doesn’t seem to matter whether or how much your partner loves you, it’s not necessarily a sign that he’s ready or able to commit to you.

So here are some signs that will tell you whether your relationship is going anywhere or not.

Sign 1

Previous dating history

He has a bad history of previously failed relationships.  In fact he hasn’t been able to sustain a deep and meaningful relationship for more than a few months at a time.

Sign 2

His parents were unhappily married. 

What this can tell you is his tendency to either want to avoid marriage, because he doesn’t have any positive role models, and make a hash of it no matter how much he tries, or go out of his way to make sure his marriage works,  which of course is good.

Sign 3

He is committed to something / someone else.

You know about golf widows don’t you?  The idea that if a man is so committed to a sport or hobby , or even his car, that is  will get his time, attention and care.  So find out if he is committed to something else or someone else- for instance an aged parent.

Sign 4

What kind of decision maker is he?

If you ask him to make decisions does he find it easy or hard to make one?  Let’s say you ask him to go out with you but it’s the playoffs and he just doesn’t know what to do- so he either vacillates between the pros and cons of his decision, sits on the fence refusing to make a decision or he defers the decision making to you.  His pattern here is  a good indication of how he deals with conflicting options and committing to you could be one of them.

Sign 4

You need to persuade him to give you what you want.

If you have to give him good reasons why he should be  in a relationship with you, why you should get married or any of the other big decisions  a couple makes, then it’s unlikely that he will have committed to it and find it easy then to change his mind.

Sign 5

Some day honey

If he puts off making decisions about the future with “ some day honey when things are ….” type of responses- then you  could find yourself waiting for perfect situations to arrive and as you already know,  they never do.

Sign 6

Timing

If you are older than your partner or more mature and want to settle down, but he is still a child at heart and wants more adventures, you need to ask yourself whether you can wait or will the call of the wild always take precedence. 

Sign 7

Wanting children

As Women our  biological clock can increase our sense of urgency to get married and have children.  For the man, it may not be so urgent.  Of course there are women who want to put off having children for as long as possible and it might be the man who is getting more broody.  The thing to assess here is are you two likely to be on the same page at the same time with this issue?

Sign 8

Pressure from parents/ society

Depending upon your culture and upbringing, you may have unwritten rules about when you ‘should’ be married and settled- and this may not tie in with what your partners expectations are.  So you may need to be married sooner than your contempories and he may not share this. 

Sign 9

Ultimatums

Ultimatums from you or from him signal that you are both out of tune with each other, because if you have to be ‘forced’ or you have to ‘force’ your partner to marry/ or commit to you then over the long run this can breed resentment and anger, and split you both apart.

Sign 10

Falling in love too early

You may be one of those women who fall fast and heavy, and as soon as you’ve met someone you want to settle down with him.  There are no rules as to how quickly anyone should get married or settle into a serious relationship, but if you go in with this is mind even before you’ve met your potential mate, it may be colouring how you act and the pressure may be getting in the way.

Having read these 10 signs- can you see that there are always little clues  to what is really going on in a relationship.  But as much as these signs can indicate whether your partner is ready to commit to you, or not,  if at the end of the day you want to still be with him, being aware of potential conflicts can spur you  on to finding a solution.

And as for our couple at the start of this, they didn’t get together- but now they are free to find someone who is in the position to commit and more importantly who wants to commit,  and that’s the most important thing for you to take from this.  

Until the next time….

How To Get A Man To Fall In Love With You

How  to get a man to fall in love with you

Have you ever wondered how to get a man to fall in love with you?  Or  even asked yourself if it were really possible to get a man to fall in love with anyone- can we make  men fall in love with us? 

This is an interesting one for me because it’s what every woman wants-I know it’s something I wanted to know the answer to as I was growing up, I wanted the dream of meeting Mr Right and having him fall madly and deeply in love with me, and if he didn’t, to have a way to make him fall madly and deeply in love with me. 

So are you in the same boat? Despite your years of experiences, and knowing full well that fairy tale endings are really just that, do you still want to know how to get a man to fall in love with you? Read the rest of this entry »

You Love Your Husband- But Does He Still Love You?

You Love Him- But Does He Still Love You? 

How to know if your husband loves you- and indeed whether you are still really in love with your husband.

Tell me about your early years together

A strange opening question- so let me explain. 

Imagine that you’re sitting in a marriage counsellors or relationship coaches office,  and the first question she asks you both is “Tell me about your early years together”

What is the first thing that would come to mind?

Note:   Do this for real now- you’ll understand why in a moment.

Whatever you answer here will determine the strength of your relationship and whether you or indeed your husband is still in love with you- and your marriage is going from strength to strength or it’s on it’s last legs and cannot be revived. 

As much as it can be painful to actually face the fact that your marriage may not be as strong as it could be, and it can be even harder to even ask yourself whether your husband still loves you,  if you do, you can potentially save your marriage, know when it’s time to bail- thus saving you and your family more months of drawn out misery, or reassure yourself that there is nothing really to worry about.

Facing the hard questions can really be the best thing both short term and long term.

So have you answered my initial question yet?  And what was your answer?  What was your response to such a question?

There are no typical answers to this question- and that’s okay because that’s not really important.  What is, is the type of response you gave, because that gives the real clues to whether your husband still loves you  ( if he answered this) and whether you still love him.

If you responding with a flood of good memories about your past which left a smile on your face, you know the kind of smile that you get when you’re reminiscing about the past, then that’s the kind of response that tells you that your marriage is still good now, despite any difficulties you are experiencing.

If, however you found it hard to connect to your past with your husband, and you only remember when things didn’t work out, how bad the reception was when you got married for instance, then, this shows your marriage may not be heading in the right direction.

And worse still is if you really couldn’t remember anything.  Let me illustrate.

When I finished with a boyfriend of mine, at the time it was quite easy.  I had been dating him for 8 months and I had found it extremely challenging – to say the least- to be with him.  But being the stubborn kind of woman I am and having a high need to make things work, I persevered.  But after 8 months of resistance from him and no sign that he wanted to commit to anything more than a casual affair, ( no he wasn’t married) I gave up- and walked away.

Now 8 months isn’t a short while to spend with someone, but what surprised me about it  was how easy it was for me to walk away giving my gritted determination to make things work.  I didn’t even go through the usual grief period when something has ended, that we all go through even if a situation had been bad. 

There was nothing.  And I even got annoyed that I had wasted 8 months of my life on that man, and chunnered to myself, as I walked around my local town, about the fact that there were no memories.  I tried to wrack my brain to come up with something, no matter how small, that was good about the last 8 months, but I couldn’t think of anything. 

But there were lots of good things we had done, but none of it stuck.

This is a classic case of a relationship that was dead and instead of there being any good memories all my brain could access were the negative events- which over the 8 months probably only totalled, 20-30% of the whole, but enough to make it feel like it was the full 100% of the time.

So this illustrates what a dead relationship feels like, not being able to come up with anything in response to “Tell me about your husband” ( boyfriend, partner, significant other)

But does he love me?

So the burning question I’m sure you want to know, is how would you then know if your husband really loves you, or is still in love with you?

Again you would have to be there to witness his answer.  So let me ask you a question- seeing as though it’s only you and me here today.

“ Tell me about your husband”

As you answer that question note where your mind goes and what it settles on.  Like the first question note how you respond to that question.  Do you smile as you talk about your husband?  Do fond memories or daft memories surface?  How does it feel inside as you talk about him?

Now whilst you’re answering those questions let me explain their significance.

Again it’s not necessarily in what you say- though it is important, what is more important is how you responded to this question,  because the question is deliberately vague so as not to lead you in any direction- you will automatically pick that for yourself.

So what did you come up with?

If you managed to find good memories, even memories of how awful it would have been if you couldn’t have been with him,  and your mind flitted from specific situations where you just thought the world of him made you smile, then your marriage is in great shape, because you still love him. 

The challenge here is that if in the midst of marital strife you can still draw upon some fond memories of your husband and things you like, love or admire in him, even if begrudgingly admitted, then the love is still there,  at least from your perspective.

As for your husband- you can test this for yourself- be careful to keep it light and non threatening,  and non pressured, because you just want to gauge his reaction.  If, like you, he can find fond memories, or at least admit to feeling mushy, then it’s a great sign there is still love from him to you.

 And as simple as this sounds, carrying on from the story of the guy I dated for 8 months, I couldn’t think of anything positive about him and certainly nothing I admired about him- even though as I said there were huge positives at the time.

So take note that the most important thing here is to keep connected to why you love, like and admire your husband.  If you can do this you will sustain a great marriage, and if it’s in trouble, and it’s the right marriage for you, you can rekindle the passion flames which are so important to longevity of any relationship .

So try it for yourself.

Think of 1-5 things a day which you 

a) love about your husband

b) admire about him

c) like about him

And let me know what you come up with.  Just post your comments below.

Until the next time.

The Greatest Myth To Marital Harmony

The greatest myth to marital harmony

If you have been having trouble with your spouse or significant other, you will no doubt turn to others for advice.  This could be a friend, a neighbour or a family member- and only if arguments get really bad would you consider a guidance or marriage counsellor. 

When there, sat perched on your seats,  you and your spouse waiting for your turn to speak, the counsellor, if he or she has been trained in say Rogerarian or Individual Psychotherapy methods as hailed by Carl Rogers,  will wait to here the therapist say he or she will ask you both to take part in something called active listening.  And the aim for you and your husband is to be able to respond non judgementally to each other.  But sometimes, often times, it simply doesn’t work and can cause more harm than good.

If you’re in trouble and you argue with your spouse more than you see eye to eye over issues, then it’s a good idea to find something that really works to stop the arguments, because doing so will lead to more harmony, more chance of connection and ultimately the survival of the marriage.

But when you go and see a counsellor, what they may tell you to do could be harming your relationship even further.

As I said in the opening, if you have been arguing with your spouse it’s only common sense to get advice as to how to sort things out.  And if you read lots of relationship books, or have been to see a marriage therapist,  then the prevailing answer to your marital ills is to learn how to communicate more effectively with your spouse.

In fact there are numerous books, courses and workshops focused on increasing communication skills between people whether this is in your marriage or at work, communicating effectively seems to be the  key point most experts fall upon.  And though I would agree that being able to communicate with your spouse is important and necessary- it’s how it’s used with the couples that can do the most harm

The greatest myth to marital bliss.

The current thinking and the greatest myth to marital bliss is if you argue with your partner, then you need to learn how to communicate better specifically, learn how to resolve conflicts as they arise.

But you may have noticed that when you are in the mood to fight with your partner or he with you, he’s not exactly in the mood to be reasonable.  But part of the repertoire of our said therapist is to get you  and your spouse to communicate better therefore alleviating any need to fight.  

In the midst of fighting, when you’re wanting to win at all costs, when you’re focusing on how hurt you feel, and how your spouse caused this hurt, when you’re bent on proving that you’re right and he’s wrong, and keeping up the silent treatment that’s been raging for over a week, the current thinking is that, if you can calmly and lovingly listen to each other, then marital bliss will once again reign.

Not so

If you’re at stale mate, or the lines of communication has been shut down, then the last thing you’re going to be able to do is detach enough to be able to listen objectively to your partners wishes and wants.   Yet that’s exactly what you need to be able to do to resolve a conflict, and it’s what a lot of therapists still focus on teaching you both.

And it simply doesn’t work.

Why not?

Because think about what we’ve been discussing here, you’re in a foul mood, and so is he by now, you’ve spent the better half of the morning sniping at each other – and then you go to a marriage therapist who then tells you that you have to sit there and listen whilst your hubby tells you how he feels and he has to sit there and listen to how you feel. 

So you tell me, would you be able to do it without getting defensive?

Not many if any of us could if we have built up a catalogue of wrongs they have done to make us feel angry or sad or frustrated.

So how is this supposed to work?

There is a technique called active listening where both parties are supposed to be able to express how they feel to their spouse and their spouse be able to detach from the interaction- much like a therapist would with his patient/ client. 

For instance

Mary would say “ I feel upset and lonely when you work so much and aren’t here to help me with the children”

Instead of the usual

“ You are so selfish always working late when you know we have 3 children who need both of us to put them to bed”

In the first example the wife and then the husband will start off using I statements- so as not to project onto her husband inappropriate emotions and be as objective as possible.  This is then supposed to make it easier for him to express himself, hear what she is saying and respond without malice or harm. 

In theory it might work, and of course there will be couples where they are able to make this work for them- though I defy anyone who is in the throws of a domestic to be able to do this later, after the argument has stopped but feelings are still raw.   

You and your husband are unlikely to be therapists schooled in how to detach and have calmer discussions when one of you is angry or hurt. 

And that’s the problem you’re not a therapist- and even if you are, you tend to leave this hat at work when at home.  And as such this technique which is supposed to pull you together, causes a rift.

The thing is, the myth that for a successful marriage that you should avoid arguments, and learn how to resolve conflicts.  This sounds great in theory, but in practice most couples aren’t therapists and have therapy type skills in their armour.

Couples argue, couples fight and it’s not always an indication that their relationship isn’t a good one.  It’s what’s behind the argument, love or loathing that makes a huge difference.

So if you’re wanting to resolve your conflicts- learn how to argue fairly

What do I mean?

Learn how to argue without throwing any past gripes into the mix.  For instance.  Set rules that say, you can argue about the issue at hand, but once the argument is over it can NEVER  be brought up again. 

And if it isn’t resolved for one of the couple then they need to discuss more calmly what they want instead and come to some sort of consensus.

There can be no room for harm, personal attacks, or recriminations, emotional blackmail or ‘if you loved me then you’d… type of statements, only a good argument about the issue at hand.

Believe me this is the best and cleanest way to have a fight because you know that it is just tussling over a difference of opinion, and not about wounding the other person or getting wounded, where these wounds then  take  months to heal and cause more harm than good.  

Learn to fight fair- its the only way.

Until the next time. 

How to know when to leave / breakup with him

How to know when it’s time to leave/ breakup. 

There comes a time in everyone’s life when they have  to make the hard decision to move on when a relationship isn’t working.  Some of us know when the time is right, others of us wait and wait and wait until things are so bad that the inevitable happens.  And for others still, they take what they think is the easy route and have an affair.     Read the rest of this entry »

How to have a good relationship

How to have a good relationship

Has this ever happened to you?

You want your partner to spend more time with you but he says……plus he’s too….. and you don’t know how to get him to want to spend more time with you and you feel………

I know that getting your husband to give you more time and attention, spend time with you and take you out somewhere romantic can be a big deal.

I also know that as much as you may love him, it isn’t always enough.

You can be married and still feel empty and dead inside.

You can be married and still feel unloved and unappreciated. Read the rest of this entry »