Tell your man he’s wrong and it could end your relationship!

Posted: January 26th, 2009 | Author: admin | Filed under: Men in Relationships | Tags: protect ego |

Are you a strong, opinionated and assertive women who  naturally expresses your views, but it ruffles a few feathers? 

Want to know how to do this and still preserve harmony within your relationship?

Tell your man he’s wrong and it could signal an end your relationship

I don’t know about you but as a strong woman myself, I have views and perspectives that some of the time I don’t mind sharing with others- forcefully if the need arises.  I am assertive and depending upon whom I’m with can show more of my aggressive side. (I’m not really supposed to admit that am I!)  And I can also be as sweet as pie- so to speak.  I’m all this and more.

I read and hear the fact that men hate to be wrong- yet I have told more than a few men that they were in fact wrong- and yet on the whole I have been treated with respect, kindness, love and patience.  Yet as I’ve just mentioned my friends and countless other women I’ve known over the years haven’t had such a good time with the men they meet, fall in love with and marry.  And throughout my life I have had better relationships with men than ALL of my friends I grew up with- so how can this be so?

Think of the different types of women there are, which one are you? 

Over the years having been around a lot of different types of women I could divide them into roughly 2 types, - gutsy women and not so gutsy women.  Gutsy women are strong, independent, assertive, confident and know who they are and what they want out of life. ( of course on the other side they can be controlling, bloody minded, and stubborn)  When they get male attention they aren’t flattered by it, it’s a given as far as they are concerned that men will be attracted to them.  They on the whole choose men and reject men and can have less strife than their not so gutsy female counterpart.

Our not to gutsy female can of course be confident and assertive, but they are less sure of themselves, quite happy to go with the crowd, are more measured in what they say, are less comfortable with male company in a platonic sense.  They are flattered by male attention and spend a lot of time making sure they look a certain way to attract as much male attention as possible.  They on the whole were given much more of a hard time with the men they met, and were taken advantage of more than our gutsy woman type.

Now of course some of you are going to balk at my observations- and that’s ok because roughly there are women who have a hard time with men and there are women who don’t.

Change your attitude it’s the secret to telling a man he’s wrong and getting away with it

So what does this have to do with the fact that men hate to be wrong?

Well, if you remember popular belief would have it that men hate to be told they are wrong, but clearly us gutsy women are going to ruffle a few feathers by virtue of opening our mouths.  What I want to tell you not so gutsy women is that there is a way you can tell men they are wrong and get away with it.

And it has a  lot to do with our attitude.  But before I talk about that let’s look at the theory behind why it is men hate to be wrong.

Ignore the fact that his internal Sat Nav isn’t working and bite your tongue.

Lets take the case of driving.  Most men in a car like to drive- especially if they have a ‘posh’ car.  They also like to take control of where you are both going and naturally falls into the role as navigator- okay we’re cool so far.  But what happens if he gets lost- sorry takes the scenic route?  What are we- as women supposed to do next?

According to popular culture we’re supposed to note that he’s gone wrong but not say anything.  That’s right we’re not supposed to point out the fact that his internal Sat Nav isn’t working- we’re just supposed to sit there and allow our men to work it out even if it means we’re going to be late.  Because if we say anything then they get upset and make our lives a misery by being cranky.

So you arrive late- flustered and annoyed, but you’re not supposed to let him know that, and you are then supposed to be able to ignore it as if nothing had happened.

Protect his ego your sanity depends upon it

Why are we supposed to go to such lengths to avoid telling him he’s wrong?
 
Because, it seems men hate to be wrong, they hate being told that they are wrong, they hate it that a woman knows they are wrong and tells them they are wrong- am I getting my point across- yes men hate to be known, shown or told they are wrong.

And my experience has shown this to be true- it is certainly no fun having to battle wits with someone who insists that I should just shut up and listen because it’s no fun for him to have to defend his point of view.  Hmm

Don’t get me wrong I love men- absolutely- it’s just that will I avoid telling a man he’s wrong- yes and no- let me explain.

Don’t apologise for who you really are

My attitude and the gutsy attitude is that we don’t apologise for who we are and what we think.  In any relationship our partners will be very clear about what we believe about a particular thing and will not hold back in sharing that.

But…. time they say changes things- and indeed it does.  Now after a good few years on this earth I have learnt about the sensitivities of our lovely men and have adjusted how I tell them they are wrong- even though I will still tell them.

Don’t cause a scene- at least not yet!

Take this for example- a real example that happened to me.

You’re at dinner with the love of your life and his male friends.  You being a gutsy woman you are very comfortable with all male company.  Half way through dinner, you notice your partners demeanour change - he starts to have a ‘dig’ at some of the things you say- friendly digs, but digs non the less.

The conversation invariably gets onto subjects you’re not too sure about and so you  ask a question.  You are given your answer with a sarcastic tone which is followed by laughter from his males friends.  This happens a couple more times and the in joke escapes you and for fear of showing him up by giving him a piece of your mind in front of his friends- you become silent and allow them to converse without the benefit of your input.

After dinner you decide to have a quiet word with your partner- you assertively and calmly state that you didn’t appreciate being laughed at and next time for him not to do that.

By all means explain why you were upset - but don’t expect it to make too much of a difference.

You expect that would be the end of it- but you’re not up on the fact that men hate to be wrong.

So without a breath your partner gets angry and is incredulous that you dared criticise him and after a few rants he informs you that you are being ridiculous to feel he was getting at you,  that after all this time how could you think he would do anything to get at you on purpose, and that you should know his friends wouldn’t laugh at your expense.

You explain that your feelings were hurt you felt left out, stupid and silly,  and that if he put himself in your shoes then he would understand that being laughed at isn’t funny.

He angrily shouts that it’s you who is being unreasonable, that he wouldn’t take it the same, to him it was ok.  He also rants that feeling hurt is totally unreasonable and then storms off leaving you perplexed about what just happened.

So how would you react?

Take his anger in your stride or cry, shout,  and be demanding- your choice!
As a gutsy woman I have my own strategies - but my not so gutsy friends what do they do?  They cry, they shout back, they demand an apology, the storm out, the withdraw, they do everything but change the situation.

So what did I do?

I said lets talk, and after the ‘talk’ I got understanding, and an assurance that it wouldn’t happen again- and I knew it wouldn’t.  Now I bet you’re thinking I must have given him a piece of my mind- well yes and no.

On our talk I used a very sneaky strategy ( one I teach ladies on my Have him eating out of your hand workshops) that disarmed him enough that he had to listen to what I had to say and when I got him to that point, he was forced to ‘understand things from my perspective’ and could do nothing else but not to do it again.  Of course he didn’t agree with how I felt- but that’s not important.

Focus on the end result- then you will get what you want

What was important that I change his behaviour so that I would never have to sit through that again. What was important was that I change the thing I didn’t like.  What was important was that he ‘hear’ me and listen.  What was also important was that I knew how to disarm the conflict so it didn’t fester.  What was important was that we still remain friends.  I managed to achieve this and am very pleased I did.  For gutsy and not so gutsy women we want to preserve the relationship- conditioning has it such that we will mostly go to any lengths to make sure there is harmony in our relationships- platonic, or intimate.

But there are ways and there are ways!

So what do you do that works- how do you tell your man he’s wrong and yet are able to move on and preserve the relationship- let me know.

Right Gutsy girls- time to go.  Good luck in telling your man he’s wrong- because sometimes he is, isn’t he!

Best wishes
Elaine Bothwell
Relationship Rescue for Gutsy and the soon to be gutsy woman

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