Warning! Your assumptions could lead to relationship break up!

Posted: January 16th, 2009 | Author: admin | Filed under: Relationship information | Tags: compatibility |

Do you want your relationship to be better than it is at present? 

Do you want more intimacy, more fun, better communication, better sex, more time together, more passion? 

You can have this but…

If I told you that one of the things that stands in your way is the assumptions you make- would you believe me?

Focus on how much you assume from your partner because it’s what is leading to relationship breakdown

There isn’t anybody who wouldn’t want a better relationship and wouldn’t want to know how to make sure their relationship would last for ever and be as good at the end as it was at the beginning

But as much as this may be your aim, if you find yourself with less time, more arguments, less intimacy, more disagreements… there is a reason for this and it’s to do with your assumptions about how compatible you and your partner are. 

Identify your level of compatibility

Now, I know when you hear me talk about compatibility you may start thinking about those tests you tick before you get into a long term relationship, and though fun, isn’t really relevant nor predictive of how compatible you are with the man you eventually fall in love with.

But there is a compatibility test you can to that really does have bearing on the success of your relationship.  Now when I say test, I’m not talking about asking you to tick any lists, I’m talking about asking yourself a couple of questions- questions designed to get to the heart of why you may be experiencing the challenges in your relationship that you’re experiencing.

Ask yourself how you know you both think the same way about your relationship

If I were to ask you whether you value having a relationship you would probably say yes.  And if I asked you whether your partner also valued being in a relationship,  again you’d probably say, well of course he does.

My challenging questions to you are - does he and do you?  And how do you know?

Stop hiding behind the first flush of love

True story for you

Do you know when you go out with someone and they seem to tick most of your boxes, not all, but the most important ones- at least you assume so.  You get on, you have a laugh, your friends think he’s ok and even your mother likes him- or at least doesn’t dislike him.  And then you start to make plans for the future- what your children will look like, where you’ll live and so on.

Time passes and you start to want to have serious talks with your boyfriend, after all you will be spending the rest of your lives together, you need to talk- do you not?  But then he starts to squirm and avoid the discussions- you start to feel insecure and wonder what is going on.

Then after weeks of feeling puzzled of trying to get him to commit to you and your vision of the future  - you suddenly blurt out.  ‘Is being in a relationship important to you or not?’ And without missing a beat, he says ‘no, not really’.

Assume what is true for you is true for him and watch your relationship crash

In that one second- everything you assumed was true for you was true for him came crashing down and there was no where to go from that statement. 

As you’re in a state of shock, which then later turns to anger, he tries to reassure you that he still loves you but that a relationship is a girl thing- men, he says aren’t that interested. 

And as he continues to tell you why he’s right about this, you wonder why you didn’t see the signs before- before you committed your heart.

What I’d like you to think about is the thing you take for granted that how you feel is the way he will and does feel.

You may assume that how you love is how our partner loves.   You may assume that what you deem important, your partner also deems important, and you may even assume that it is the same level of importance as yours. And because you’ve assumed this, you assume you are truly compatible. 

And believe it or not, this is the root of the problem. 

Because, you may indeed get on, but can it possibly be true that the man you love, loves you in exactly the same way as you love him- to the same level of importance and the same level of intensity? 

Look at your partner, does he really think like you? 

My experience and those of my clients suggests not.  And this is why.

Two people no matter how much they have in common don’t think the same, process information in the same way, have the same values and priorities, nor the same expectations from society, family, work colleagues and more importantly of themselves.

Now, the key thing I want you to focus on here is the fact that you and your partner could not possibly have the same values, priorities and perspectives, and it is these areas that are responsible for when you fall out, or have a difference of opinion.  It is these areas that you need to look at when you want to not only understand your own motives and behaviours, but also your partners.

I know this is deep stuff , and it’s important to at least be aware of the impact these areas have on the quality of your relationship because with awareness comes the possibility of change. 

Do something different to get a more favourable result

So, even if it’s not possible that the man you love loves you in exactly the same way as you love him- to the same level of importance and the same level of intensity this is where you need to concentrate any change work you may do to if you are to improve your relationship.

That is, if, of course you believe that what you have been doing up until this point isn’t getting you the results you’re looking for and therefore by trying something slightly different you will get a slightly different outcome. 

Make changes by first admitting where your differences are

Now, in order to find out where your differences lay, think about what’s most important to you in your relationship and your life in general.  For instance for some of my clients intimacy is really important, and for others independence is more important.  Maybe being acknowledged is important to you, whereas your friend feels being supported is more important to her. 

There is no right or wrong answer here.  We are all different and what is influencing your reactions, your behaviour and where you focus much of your time and attention is what is most important to you in your relationship. 

Discuss with your partner what’s really important to you both

What you will find is that if you can figure out what really is important to you and also what is important to your partner- you will first of all see the gaps and understand why there are areas of disagreement and misunderstandings.  Also, and this is important, you will start to have a way of connecting with your husband in a way that makes him feel happier and more fulfilled, because you will be able to give him more of what is important to him.

So for instance, he could value his space- we all know about the man going into his cave to think.  It might be important to him that he gets ahead in his company or that you hold hands in public.  And because you know this you can start to give him more of what he needs,  and believe me this is the way to his heart.

There is nothing quite like a contented man, because then he is in the position to give you what you need- and that’s what you want- isn’t it? 

Put his needs first to have the quickest way to get your needs met

Finding out what is important to both of you- or even just you at this time will make such a difference when you are living this every day- and the best and quickest way to get this is to give your partner what he needs first.

Sorry to spoil it for you especially if you’ve been waiting for a long time to get your needs met- but believe me this works! 

Doing these  strange and wonderful things makes it easy for you to have him eating out of your hand

So to finish - let me remind you why I’m asking you to do these strange and wonderful things.  Because like me, you want to be happy and keep on being happy in your relationship.  So, by doing these things you start to get him in a place to have him eating out of your hand- and believe me there is nothing quite like it!

Try it, and let me know your results.

Okay my gutsy or soon to be ‘gutsy girl’- time to go.  Good luck in identifying what’s most important to you and your man- and watch his smile get wider, and your life become brighter when you start to hit the mark. 

If you would like any help, support or guidance in how to carry this out for best effect you can always call me on Keep smiling
Elaine Bothwell

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