Turn your insensitive man into a loving and caring partner

Have you ever been upset, reached over to your partner who proceeded to lecture you about where you went wrong in being upset?

Have you even asked for what you wanted and your partner ran a mile saying you were just too too emotional for him to handle?

I’d be surprised if this hasn’t happened to you and most other women around, men it seems are reputedly incapable of handling us when we’re upset. This may or may not be true, but I’m of the mind that even if it were true there must be something we, as gutsy or beginning to be gutsy women can do to change this.

Let’s see.

Be the woman you really are, but realise sometimes we’re just too much for our men to handle

The theory is that one of the reasons men can’t handle us when we’re emotional is because they are brought up to be fixers- they focus on solutions and it’s this that gets in the way.

Think about it this way, as you’re being upset because someone at work is getting to you, or your daughter is being defiant, or your mother is being awkward as per usual, you want someone to comfort you- do you not? But your partner doesn’t see things quite in the same way-in fact he can’t see it your way at all.

It all starts with how they are conditioned. As they grow up the message they receive as little boys is that they are relied upon to provide solutions, to have answers, to be the fixers. So when you get upset your man gets into fixing mode when all you want and need at that time is someone to listen.

Activate a man’s helpless button and be prepared for a shock!

This doesn’t make you feel good because just as you’re crying out for comfort, to be reassured, hugged, listened to and told it’s all going to be alright, your partner hears- fix me, give me a solution, rescue me. With that mindset it’s no wonder he can feel cold and uncaring when you want warmth and comfort.

So you turn to your partner and in a fit of frustration start to rant that things are simply not working at work. You become upset- you don’t cry, it’s just obvious that you’re upset and you need comfort and reassurance but what do you get instead?

Yes you guessed it- he lectures you on where you went wrong, what you should have done instead, why you went wrong in the first place and what you need to do to make sure you don’t go wrong again.

He then proceeds to tell you his opinion of what you are doing and how it would be so much better if you did things the way he does them, after all if you had listened to him in the first place you could have avoided the situation you find yourself in.

As his words of what you should do, should have done and where you went wrong find themselves ringing around your ears, you feel yourself building up to boiling point at this mans insensitivity. As you feel your temperature rising and the urge to take your hands and do something physical with them- okay a bit extreme but you get the point- he is shocked that your reaction is less than grateful that he has spent the time giving you his words of wisdom.

Calm down, let go of the frustration before you tell him what you really think!

So you forgo the physical reaction and tell him that you just want him to listen, to comfort you, to give you a cuddle and tell you it’s all going to be alright- at which he promptly runs for the door saying he is busy and has other stuff to do.

You’re left reeling, feeling even more sensitive, even more frustrated.

So what do you do next?

Well our soon to be gutsy woman blows, she follows him as she shouts that he’s an insensitive sod, that he has all the compassion of a stone and that he can’t possibly love you and be so cold and insensitive. At which he walks away saying ‘you women- you’re all the same’.

Take a breath as venting won’t get you what you most want

What does our gutsy girl do next?

She takes a breath- she’s seething- oh yes, but she has learnt that saying anything now won’t get her what she wants, so she does something unexpected- she starts to think what she wants instead.

What does she want instead? She would love a cuddle, reassurance, a listener, someone to lean on- but clearly the love of her life isn’t quite at that point, so she composes herself, goes up to him and …

gives him a big hug.

Be smart to get your needs met- subtly modify his behaviour

With that he gives her a hug back- she feels a little better and the more he hugs her the more calm she feels. As he begins to speak she puts her hand up to his lips to motion that silence is the call of action. After a while she lets go and says calmly.

‘Thanks- next time I’m feeling frustrated just give me a hug and I’ll feel a lot better,’
and then she walks away.

What our gutsy girl has learnt not to do is blow, to tell him where he’s going wrong- remember how that doesn’t work. She’s learnt not to focus on how insensitive he’s being, how she always know just the right thing to say to him, she just focuses on what she wants- and at this time, a hug will do.

She has learnt that showing him how to modify his behaviour is the best way to get him to change.

Use sports psychology to your advantage and get your man to be the man you most need him to be

Showing someone how to do what we want, has proven to be an effective learning method for teachers, sports coaches, parents and others. So why not take on board what already works- show the man you love how to love you, how to do what you want the most.

And the upshot?

He feels right, he feels like he’s a big help, he feels good- and then can’t wait to help you feel good again. ( the lectures don’t stop, you just stop listening and reacting- well no one is perfect are they?) But things do change over time he mostly- not always but mostly gives you a hug and that makes all the difference doesn’t it?

Right my gutsy and soon to be gutsy women time to say goodbye- until the next time. Good luck in keeping your cool so you can get what you want- because that’s what you want is it not?

If you need some assistance with how to do this, or you have any questions about how to keep your calm and train your partner to respond in the way that works for you feel free to contact me by phone or email

Best wishes
Elaine Bothwell
Relationship Rescue for Gutsy and the soon to be gutsy woman.