Eliminate the biggest threat to your relationship with 3 easy strategies

Do you give up what’s most important to you in order to keep harmony within your relationship?

Have you noticed that your behaviours and habits have changed, specifically the one’s your partner doesn’t approve of?

Yes!

The biggest threat to your relationship is always being willing to compromise- so stop making compromise your default position

If you want to understand what makes relationships easier to handle, take note of what most of my clients have had to learn the hard way, and understand that compromise though sounds good, ISN’T ALWAYS GOOD FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

What do I mean?

Over the years when I’ve coached my clients, no matter whether they were married or in long term relationships, young or older, experienced or not, they all asked me to do one thing, ‘Help my relationship get better’.

Why? Because they had fallen into the same trap nearly all of us fall into when we first get into a serious relationship- we compromise and then over comprise.

So something that started out as a way to having a successful relationship ends up being a noose around your neck because if you’ve always compromised that’s what you’ll always have to do.

Stop the thinking that keeps you stuck

2 questions to think about are:

How are you ever supposed to get your needs met if you’re willing to settle for less than you really want?
If you are not feeling so great- your relationship is okay, but not great then what is missing?

What stops most of my clients from making changes is the consequences of finally saying what they really think and the effect that could have on their partner if he doesn’t like it.

Plus if they’ve been in the habit of compromise, then they, like you, could feel uneasy about trying something new.

What I want to share with you are some relationship advice tips, basically self help techniques for relationships, that work to help you to stop doing things that may be damaging your relationship, and start doing things that have proven to be good for a relationship.

Stop bending over backwards to keep the peace or to please- it doesn’t work!

Being willing to compromise in order to keep harmony between your partner and yourself makes it harder for you to have a great relationship.

It all starts, as I said, at the beginning of a relationship. You want peace and harmony right? You want you and your partner to have such a strong connection and a great relationship that you’re willing to bend over backwards- sometimes- to stop things spoiling that- are you not?

And this is the problem, because in order to keep peace and harmony you may need to do things you really don’t want to do. At first it may be little things, but the habit is soon set.

Watch what your habits are producing!

Let’s say you believe that it’s not up to you as a woman-just because you are a woman, to do all the cleaning around the home. Your partner believes the opposite because his mother always did that and that’s what he’s used to, and believes that’s what you should also do. Think of it like an unwritten rule he has to what makes for a successful relationship.

You know that this is clearly not right for you and tell him so. He doesn’t react well which in turn leads you to not react well, and you can see this is causing a rift in our relationship, and you don’t want that - so you think.

You think long and hard about the consequences of digging your heels in here and insisting he change his opinions and beliefs and start to help out around the house. But when he accuses you of being unreasonable. You start to wonder if maybe you are and this isn’t worth it

And so you give in- at least you tell yourself you’ve compromised, because believing that you’ve given in wouldn’t sit well with you.

Be brave enough to stick up for what you believe

When these types of situations happen you believe you’ve only got one of two choices in how to respond:

To stick up for what you believe and increase the tension or
Not make too much of a big a deal about what you believe - after all it’s not worth arguing over -is it?

So the habit is set, and over the years you may have found yourself ‘compromising’ in lots of small ways so now your automatic behaviour is to compromise.

The most surprising thing my clients learn is that for every compromise you do that you don’t really want to do, you are missing out on getting your needs met within your relationship.

And if you want to know how to help your relationship- one of the things you can do is to understand both the positive and negative impact of the things you do. And learn that there is a third way.

Learn how to get what you want and allow your husband to get what he wants.

Now, I’m not saying compromise isn’t a good thing, on the contrary, what I am asking you to consider is what are you giving up when you compromise. If you know and your are okay with that, then all’s well in helping your relationship grow.

But I want to draw your attention to the fact that if you want to get your man eating out of your hand, one of the things you need to learn how to do is, be real, authentic and say what you really want and need- and if you always compromise this is in jeopardy.

If you’re still not sure how compromising can get out of hand read below.

6 ways you may have over compromised who you are and your relationship

1. Allowing yourself to be pressured into doing something you knew was wrong or you weren’t yet ready to do.

When have you given in to your partners wishes/ demands/hints or pleas?

2. Keeping your tongue/ turning a blind eye to something that your partner does that you don’t agree with.

When have you not said what you really wanted to say to keep the peace?

3. When challenged about what you believe in, denying that you believe it, or softening what you believe so as not to get into another argument where you need to defend what you really think.

When have you played down what you believe in order to keep the status quo?

4. Taking part in activities that you really don’t approve of.

Drinking on a Sunday night before you need to get up for work the next morning, telling white lies for him so he can avoid someone, or even watching pornographic movies isn’t a good idea if it makes you feel uneasy.

How many times have you done things you really are a little ashamed of/ feel uneasy about?

5. Ignored your health and wellbeing.

Ffor instance, eating a meal with your partner just because you didn’t want him to feel left out- or he doesn’t like you eating different food than him and it blew your diet or health regime.

How may times have you made it easier for others and harder for yourself?

6. Allowing your partners decision to reign even though you strongly disagree with it.

When have you stopped yourself from telling your partner how you really feel about something?

As you read through these 6 ways you may be over compromising, you’ll start to see that they are small things in and of themselves, but over time and the frequency in which you may do these, it becomes a habit of how you are in your relationship.

Help your relationship thrive

Easy strategy for relationships- Number 1

Write down all those ways in which you compromise in your relationship and think about which ones left your needs being unmet, which compromises left you feeling resentful, and which compromises had a positive effect.

When you’ve done this decide that you are going to compromise less and put into action a plan where you are willing and open to state your point of what you want.

And find away that you get what you want and your partner gets what he wants.

Easy strategy for relationships- Number 2

Think of all the times you’ve felt pressured to change your view- the subtle things your partner may do and the not so subtle.

Decide now that you are going to learn how to not give into emotional blackmail or outdated beliefs you may have about what you ’should’ give into. Then set a plan in motion, a habit of thinking that says that you don’t have to give in if you don’t want to

Repeat frequently ‘the more he asks, pleads, cajoles, the stronger I become at saying no’

Easy strategy for relationships- Number 3

Learn how to be assertive.

Most if not all the other ways you may have been over compromising in your relationship can be dealt with using assertiveness techniques. Not only does this give you confidence, it allows you to express your wishes and wants in a way that preserves the relationship.

Try it, you’ll see what I mean.

So to finish

Start to think subtle in the changes you make- you will get better results!

It is not always the overt behaviours that change who you are in a relationship, it’s the most subtle ones that can have the worst effect. Now that you have some more awareness, that in itself will help you to make changes, and when you start to use the self help techniques you’ll start to feel the difference in how you respond.

You’ll start to notice that you are becoming happier, stronger, more of your needs are being met, you have a bit more energy, and you enjoy being in your relationship. Your confidence increases as does your communication skills.

And once your partner gets used to the newer developing you, he becomes happier and more aware that just because you love each other, you are still two separate people with separate identities, and that’s a good thing.

And even though I have made this discussion one sided- if the habits are yours then it goes without saying that you compromise if you have the habit of digging your feet in and it’s your partner who always gives in.

Okay my gutsy and soon to be gusty girl- time to go.
Good luck in being able to be more of you in your relationship and teaching the man you love how to treat you with more love, consideration and respect, because it’s nice when that happens isn’t it!