Secrets and lies- Avoid relationship battles; relationship hurts Part 3/3

Posted: February 4th, 2009 | Author: admin | Filed under: Overcoming Relationship Problems | Tags: Secrets and lies in a relationship |

Want help with your new relationship?-  How to avoid 3 of the biggest problems  a new relationship can bring. 

Secrets and lies.  How the small omissions in a relationship can cause the biggest battles and the biggest hurts.    

In part 2 we looked at aging and we talked about how having body image issues can threaten even the most stable of relationships.  You got a couple of really effective strategies to try and hopefully you’ve been doing that. 

Now in part 3- we’re going to explore secrets and lies- how the small omissions in a relationship can cause the biggest battles and the biggest hurts.  

Get out of the mindset that asking questions is prying and wrong.

Imagine this, you’ve met your lovely man, you’ve both discussed taking things further and committing to a long term relationship with each other, you may now be cohabiting or married, and things look rosy. 

The weeks go by and you casually mention that you’ve been looking at holidays and you fancy going to Greece, and did he have a specific place he’d like you both to go to. 

You are then dumbfounded when he says going on holiday is for wimps and those people who have nothing better to do with their time.  That, he always has a two week golfing break with his mates- but that it’s not really a holiday because it’s about perfecting his swing, and he really would hate to be sitting for two weeks on a beach reading a book- of all things!!

So after the initial shock, you try to reason with him, after all it’s not too much to expect that your boyfriend/ husband would want to go on holiday with you, his life long partner.  But he’s resolute- no he goes away with his pals, twice a year when a specific tournament starts.   

So wanting to appear reasonable, you back track and say ok- you would go with him on his golfing break as long as he also found time for you, and that would be perfect seeing as though the golfing break is on one of the hot islands abroad that you quite like. 

And from his face you realise that this is NOT what he wants especially when he says ‘Well why don’t you go with your girlfriends or something- you said you enjoyed that last year’.

Don’t laugh- this is a true story- with a bit of artistic licence thrown in. 

Not asking questions can lead to misery

We have all been brought up not to ask questions, we’ve been told it’s wrong, it’s prying and really if we have to ask so many questions then doesn’t that mean we don’t trust that person?

But in lots of real cases, not asking enough questions, even the most mundane can be deal breakers for a lot of couples and can lead to misery.

In our true scenario above, it was one of the deciding factors that lead to the relationship break up- so not funny hey!

So even though there maybe a taboo about asking questions, if you don’t ask then you won’t know what to expect.  And even though my example focused on holidays, quite trivial in the scheme of things, the underlying idea is that what you don’t know can indeed hurt you.

Start to place huge importance on the details within your relationship

Now I’m sure some of you are going to call me a kill joy, but really I have heard too many sad tales of it being too late  to do anything about a situation once they were married or committed to each other.

The details matter.  I remember once having a conversation with a woman I met socially and as per female conversations go, we got onto relationships and our partners. She started telling me of her past relationship where she left high and dry that her then husband, husband not only left her, but also drew out all of the money out of their joint bank account. And I think you know where this is going, he owed money and she ended up footing the bills.

Now, of course just because you’ve asked  questions doesn’t mean you can avoid situations like this, but lets say he lets slip that he’s still paying off a loan he had previously and that he’s been in court because he got behind in his payments.  How would you know such things if you hadn’t already asked or at least had a conversation where this was likely to come up?

I think you get my point.

Just in case you don’t, asking questions is a must.

Stop hiding your past if you want to be prepared for the future.

There may of course be very good reason why you, yourself, don’t want to ask a lot of questions, because you have things in your past that you don’t want to come out- like a difficult upbringing or something worse. 

If, however, this means that you blindly trust that your partner hasn’t got a gambling habit, or that he doesn’t drink, or that he just can’t say no to that other set of golf clubs, and he really is terrible about saving, then you are in for a rude awakening. 

And even though there are lots of couples where one person, the one who is good with the finances, takes charge, if you know this then you can prepare for the future.  Because the quickest way to kill any romance is to find out that your partner omitted to tell you that he had been bankrupt or worse and you now have to manage without loans etc. 

Prepare yourself so you at least go into your relationship with  open eyes.

You can prepare yourself by asking questions in these types of areas:

·         Family background- what was it like for him growing up? 

·         Past relationship and how they ended

·         Whether he wants children or not- how many and what if you can’t conceive then what?

·         If you want children or not

·         If you have issues that will affect how you both live

There are of course other areas to consider and it’s only when you’ve asked the questions and discussed the downsides that you will know what you’re letting yourself in for and then there will be no or least minimal shock.

The thing is, you can do something about those things you know about, but it’s more difficult when he really does put his mates first and you are left going on holiday with your friends, and you didn’t know about this until it was too late.

Learn from those who have gone before you

Ask questions, ask lots of questions, discuss sensitive areas, and ask more questions so you know what you’re letting yourself in for. Forget the idea that it isn’t romantic and that you can completely trust your partner- maybe you can but wouldn’t you like that conclusion to be based on reality and not fantasy? 

So my gutsy and soon to be gutsy girl, time to go.  I can’t really say have fun asking your questions, but at least know that you’re in for a smoother ride when you know as much as you need to know before hand.

If there is anything I can help you with, please feel free to phone, or email me. 

P.S.

For those of you gutsy girls who saw this one coming, and asked all the questions before you let your heart completely take over- share you successes with us and let us know what tips you have- we’d all like that.

Part 1:  Want help in your new relationship?  Part 2: Does sexiness diminish with age?

 

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