Should you have trust in your relationship?

Should you have trust in your relationship even though you’ve been hurt before?

To have a successful relationship you need to be able to trust your partner and he needs to be able to trust you. But if he’s let you down, and you end up being been hurt should you have trust in your relationship lasting and being a happy one? Should you have trust in him not to let you down again? And how long after trust is broken should you forgive and forget?

Before you can assess whether you should have trust in your relationship being right for you-

How do you know that he is worthy of your trust?

Have a listen below about trust in relationships-you may learn something that can help

The signs that there is a lack of trust in your partner

Lack of trustworthiness sign 1

Is he all talk?

Over the years I have met, worked with and dated men who were all talk. You know the type, the type that says one thing but does another. It’s not malicious or outright lying they just say they’ll come home from work early, but they are always late. They say you’ll go away for a weekend, but that doesn’t happen. They get all enthusiastic about an idea and promise that they’ll do the necessary pre work to make it come off- but if never materialises.

They are all talk.

On the surface it doesn’t seem so bad does it? We all make promises we can’t keep because of prior commitments- but if he (or indeed you) doesn’t follow through, how much trust can you really have in this person? (How much trust can he have in you?)

Lack of trustworthiness sign 2

Excuses, excuses, excuses

Carrying on from the all the talk brigade- When ‘asked’ or ‘reminded’ that something isn’t yet done, does he make excuses which you know are ‘lies’. The kind of excuses that you know he has no intention of following through on and you know he will repeat the same behaviour. Then you’ll have the same conversation and he will promise to deliver the next time only for it to be repeated.

At first when this happens, you may find yourself forgiving a lot and even making excuses for his excuses. But it goes without saying that this sort of behaviour doesn’t lead to trust in your relationship lasting or you having a happy ever after- does it?.

Lack of trustworthiness sign 3

Secrets and lies

Most of us accept that men don’t reveal their feelings as easily as women do, and lots of us have a hard time getting through to them. But secrets are a sign things are not as right as they could be. I’m pretty old school and really do expect my partner to be completely honest and open no matter what- and from the hurt my past clients have experienced, secrets don’t sit well with them either.

There is nothing worse than always thinking that your partner is holding something back and it leads to you becoming more and more suspicious. So secrets- not a good thing.

So in order to have trust in your relationship lasting and being a good one, he really does need to be up front on honest. Time, experience and common sense bears this out to be true.

Now let’s talk about you for a minute.

Everything I’ve written above can equally apply to you. So let’s say you’ve been hurt before. He’s let you down, so you hold back because you have lost trust in your relationship being able to give you all you want and need- what are the signs you’ve given up and have stopped investing emotionally into your relationship?

· You hold back and don’t share how you really feel about something.

· You become suspicious at his motives and behaviour

· You check and recheck his stories

· You question him and it is hard for him to prove that he is indeed trustworthy

· You have doubts and express those doubts and they colour everything he does

· When he does anything wrong you use that as proof that he is indeed untrustworthy.

· You are unable to commit emotionally and it’s like the light has gone out of your relationship

· You start to think about ending your relationship or having an affair

Obviously the list could go on and on- but you get the idea. Trust is essential in a relationship and what most of us fail to grasp, is that our partners behaviour, plus our past experiences dictates the level of trust we have or don’t have in our relationship.

We are as much responsible for building and maintaining the trust because when it’s gone- the relationship is all but over.

So what can you do if trust has broken down?

And how long after trust has been lost should you forgive and forget?

This is subjective because we all have our own internal barometer that tells us whether we should trust again and how long we should wait until we do trust again.

The place to start is with your rules.

First of all become clear as to what your rules of trust are. Does trust mean he always tells you the complete truth no matter what? Or does trust mean he can look but doesn’t touch? Can he can let you down as long as he had a good reason and yet you’ll still trust him? Or don’t you know what your rules are here and find it difficult to completely trust anyone?

No matter what it is, you need to be clear.

If trust has broken down- one of you needs to initiate to take the lead in sorting things out.

What can be difficult for the person, whose trust has been broken, is that they wait for the other person to make amends. And typically if the other person doesn’t know that the trust has been broken, no matter how ‘obvious’ it is, then it’s up to you to make the first move, put your hurt to one side and talk about the situation.

Obviously this is easier said and done- but done it must be.

The outcome you’re after

· What you are looking for here is how willing he is to hear how you feel

· Discuss how his behaviour is or has affected you,

· And for you to discuss your part in the situation ( it’s never just one person’s ‘fault’)

· Plus, how open he is to not repeating the behaviour and choosing to do something else.

And the most difficult part of this exchange is the apology

Saying sorry is the hardest thing to do

The one thing we all want and need is a sincere apology when someone has let us down. Feel good doesn’t it when we get one? And the one thing you’re not likely to get in this situation is a sincere apology- if he feels he hasn’t really done anything wrong.

So hang out for an apology but don’t expect to get one there and then, it will probably come later.

Having an exchange like this where you can put your emotions to one side is a tall order mainly because in this sort of situation defensiveness is high, most of us will have a need to be right- and being right really does get in the way.

But with care and attention, sensitivity and no ‘games’ it will be easier for you to get the desired outcome, and start to trust again, that is if you are willing to forgive and forget.

That brings me on to how much trust you really do have in your relationship because of your willingness to forgive and forget.

For some hurts that’s pretty easy. But for those hurts that cut deep how long after a hurt should you forgive and forget?

There are no hard and fast rules here, we are all different and time can heal wounds if you are actively working to make things better between you and your partner. If you are then it’s just a matter of time.

Once you have set the ball rolling- you’ve had your talk and you feel confident that things will change, then over time your trust can will increase.

The question that is left hanging, is ‘should you trust again’?

And only you have the answer to that one.

Okay my gutsy and soon to be gutsy girl- if this has been useful for you – let me know.

Do you find trust easy to do? Are you one of those people that forgiveness is essential or do you simply not completely trust your partner, no matter how trustworthy he has proven himself to be.

If, you want more help and support here, contact me, I’ll be only too pleased to help.

Should you have trust in your relationship?

Leave a Reply

Spam Blocked