Should You Really Have Your Ex Back?

Posted: June 1st, 2009 | Author: admin | Filed under: Marriage help and advice |

Should you really have him back?

 

Hundreds of women every day scour the net or their local bookshop for answers that will tell them whether they should have their ex back. 

 

So in an aid to help you, I’m going to outline some things for you to consider if, like the hundreds of women who search daily  for answers, you’re considering having him back.

 

I don’t know what kind of woman you are when it comes to affairs of the heart,  but if you want to get back with your ex or he wants to get back with you, then the first thing I want to draw your attention to is the power of the first meeting.

 

There’s no doubt about it, that if you spend some time away from the man you love(d) then when you get back together it can seem so right and so  much better than the first time, at least at first. 

 

But it will only be a matter of time before you start to remember why you split up in the first place and then you’re back into the old routine of arguing and disagreeing with each other.  And as obvious as this may seem, time does have a way of distorting memories and you can conveniently forget that.  The reality is that spending time apart doesn’t necessarily resolve anything.

 

To illustrate, think back to your problems you had with your ex,  the ones that never got resolved.  Now time has passed and they aren’t at the top of your mind any longer,  so when you get together things feel great- except for one thing,  what has changed?

 

Specifically what has changed since the last time you were in a relationship with him?  I mean what has he done to change things and what have you done?  Because when you think about it, nothing probably has changed, and if the reason why you’ve gotten back together is because you felt miserable apart from each other, then things are not looking good for the survival of your relationship this time around.

 

Why?

 

When you or your ex focus only on how miserable you feel, then the reason to get back together isn’t because you’ve been actively fixing the problem, but because you don’t want to feel the pain of being apart.

 

And though you may think that’s a perfectly good reason to get back together, then think about it this way,  what have you and or your ex done to resolve things from the past?  What new strategies or solutions has he bought to the table?  How are things going to be different this time?

 

It is important that you consider this because if you don’t then you will be back at square one,  only this time your heart getting even more wounded in the process.  So make sure he or you are getting back together because you have been actively working on new solutions and not just because you missed him or he missed you.

 

The second thing I’d like you to consider is whether the circumstances in which you split up have changed.  For instance- stress from work, or a job that demanding a lot of time apart, might have been the deciding factor when you split.  But if now that has changed, and he is able to work in the same town as you, and there is no travelling involved, then that in itself takes away the added pressure and your relationship can at least have a fighting chance to survive. 

 

But if it’s as I have just written- that nothing has really changed – then nothing has changed.

 

Now, let’s say that in the throws of the breakup before, you decided that he was untrustworthy, my question to you is, can you now trust him again?  Because if you  can’t then that is telling you to stay away, but if you can,  that is a good indication that you can work things out.  You need to know that no matter what you go through in the future, because there will be hard times a head, that he is able to be there for you and not let you  down.

 

The trust issue is challenging because the only way you can know if he is trustworthy is to trust him,  and of course this means  there is the potential that he will let you down again.  All I can say to you here is  use your gut instinct and his past behaviour as your guide.  Also note whether you are the type of woman who usually makes excuses for his behaviour, because if you do you won’t necessarily see that he will let you down and you’ll get hurt all over again.

 

The last thing I’d like you to consider is the ‘rose tinted glasses’ syndrome.  You know what I mean here, the kind of thinking that makes you idealise the past and only think of the good times you had, how he looked at you or how he made you laugh…. and conveniently forget how he let you down time and again, how he wouldn’t commit, how he was uncommunicative and the arguments you had.  These things may be in the past, but it doesn’t mean that they would have miraculously gone just because it’s been a few months since you’ve seen each other.  

 

Of course there were good times, but it was the bad times that caused you both to split.

 

Having your ex back needs careful consideration,  and of course you know that already.  What I’d like you to really think about as well, is whether you can handle the impact of it not working out this time.  And even if you think or even know you can, why would you bother if no solutions have been presented to you, his basic personality is still going to be his basic personality, and you still want what you want?

 

So let me know, does this resonate with you, can you see where you may have had faulty thinking when it came to your ex, and fell for how you felt rather than the reality of what he’s really like?  

 

Leave me a comment below or ask me your questions.  

 

Until the  next time……….

 

 

---