Are You Too Nice For A Happy Relationship?
Posted: June 4th, 2009 | Author: admin | Filed under: Marriage help and advice | Tags: marital problems | No Comments »Are You Too Nice For Your Own Good
Clients come to me all the time feeling frustrated that the man they’ve settled with takes them for granted, or doesn’t give as much as they’d want them to. And though there are numerous reasons why they are in the situation they are in, almost without fail, if the woman is complaining, she is invariably being too nice for her own good.
What I want to talk to you about is the myth that being nice gets you what you want as often as you think it would, and open your ears to the idea that, in reality, in personal relationships, being too nice can make it harder for you to have a happy relationship.
In our society, women and men are groomed from an early age to value certain behaviours from each other, despite the fact that there is supposed to be gender equality, from my experience relationships show the true differences between men and women, and being too nice is rarely valued in men as much as it to women.
And this is my point, if you are not getting the things you feel you want or need from your partner, then have a look at how much you give and how much you receive. It’s important for you to realise that taking on board this new idea, may well help save you experiencing even more frustration.
To give is good or is it?
Over the last 8 – 9 years of being a coach, I can categorically state that every single female client I have had, believes she is being selfish if she thinks about herself first- or even thinks of herself at all.
Now think about that, hundreds of women think that in order to have a successfully happy marriage, selfishness is bad, wrong and they shouldn’t be it. Yet these same women are the one’s where they are being taken advantage of in some aspect of their life, they give way too much and they are starting to resent it, their needs often get overlooked and they become more frustrated and unhappy.
So my solution to their predicament, is to think about others less, and themselves more and that’s when I get
“ But isn’t that being selfish?”
Over the years my answer has always been the same, if you’re giving too much and that makes you feel frustrated or unhappy then give less and think about yourself more. There isn’t a book handed down through the generations, that says you need to be doing what you are doing and that if you think of yourself first – now and then- that you are selfish.
But no matter how many times I’ve said it, no matter how much logic I throw at their argument, being overly accomodating, thinking about others first, will deplete you emotionally and lead to dissatisfaction.
The other interesting thing is when I say to them that they are being too nice, I’ve never had one woman agree with me, they all maintain that they are not, they are mean, or other negative things, and being too nice isn’t how they would describe themselves.
Now reading into that we could go off on another tangent about self esteem but that’s another long story really. What I would like you to consider here, is whether you yourself suffer from frustration, anger, annoyance and if you do, is the route of it your inability to say no, or to think of your needs and make them a priority?
To help you answer that, I will give you a couple of pointers to help you identify whether, you give too much, so take a read through and assess this for yourself.
If you give too much then:
1. Do you think about your partners needs first, what would work for him, what would work for others and you think about how you can fit around this?
Then learn how to think about what you want or need first, as apposed to thinking about pleasing your partner first.
I am not saying not to think about him and his needs, but once in a while think about what you want first and start to hold back slightly, do what you want in little ways, and build your confidence in looking after yourself first.
2. Do you rush around to fit other people’s errands into your already bulging schedule?
Start being realistic about your the time and what you really can fit in. If you spend your time running around others making sure things get done, and you flop exhausted at the end of the day because you are taking on too much of other peoples ‘stuff’ then see what happens if for once, you say no- and come up with an alternative for others to help you out for a change. (Or do their own errands)
If you believe that if you don’t do things it wouldn’t get done and that others don’t even offer you help, then ask yourself if people, your husband for instance, does offer to help and you decline, or if he did offer once but because you always said no, he has stopped offering. Or if in fact he has always expected you to carry the bulk of the work and that’s just how you settled.
No matter what the initial stimulus, the important thing here is to notice how you got into the situation you’re in now, and to slowly start doing the opposite of what you’d normally do.
Understand that over extending yourself, doing things for others that they can do for themselves, or not saying no for fear of offending others all contribute to you carrying more, and though you may on the one hand believe that you aren’t selfish and that’s a good thing, after a while, as you know, you end up carrying more stress.
Relationships are a minefield at the best of times, but what always comes through from my clients is that if they give too much, they end up feeling frustrated, and dissatisfied. Finding the balance takes time, and if you start now with first recognising whether you do give too much then at least you know where you can start to make some changes .
By being more’selfish’ you will have more opportunity to being happier and more fulfilled, and you’ll find it easie to meet your own needs. In short, being more ’selfish’ helps you look after yourself better than you may be at present.
This system for boosting your relationship is simple really, by being able to focus on what you need to be happy and more importantly give yourself what you need to be happy, you are more likely to be happy.
But, I also know that the idea of you being labelled selfish by yourself or others will put you off ever thinking about yourself and feeling comfortable doing so, so if you do use this idea, acknowledge to yourself that you are important enough to be looked after.
And the good thing is this strategy can also help you improve any health issues that you have. This technique is great to use when you need to feel better about yourself to achieve something first as well as other benefits.
If you would like any more help and support on this, then leave me a comment or question below, and I’ll get back to you with more pointers.
Until the next time….
