The Greatest Myth To Marital Harmony

Posted: May 20th, 2009 | Author: admin | Filed under: Overcoming Relationship Problems |

The greatest myth to marital harmony

 

If you have been having trouble with your spouse or significant other, you will no doubt turn to others for advice.  This could be a friend, a neighbour or a family member- and only if arguments get really bad would you consider a guidance or marriage counsellor. 

 

When there, sat perched on your seats,  you and your spouse waiting for your turn to speak, the counsellor, if he or she has been trained in say Rogerarian or Individual Psychotherapy methods as hailed by Carl Rogers,  will wait to here the therapist say he or she will ask you both to take part in something called active listening.  And the aim for you and your husband is to be able to respond non judgementally to each other.  But sometimes, often times, it simply doesn’t work and can cause more harm than good.

 

If you’re in trouble and you argue with your spouse more than you see eye to eye over issues, then it’s a good idea to find something that really works to stop the arguments, because doing so will lead to more harmony, more chance of connection and ultimately the survival of the marriage.

 

But when you go and see a counsellor, what they may tell you to do could be harming your relationship even further.

 

As I said in the opening, if you have been arguing with your spouse it’s only common sense to get advice as to how to sort things out.  And if you read lots of relationship books, or have been to see a marriage therapist,  then the prevailing answer to your marital ills is to learn how to communicate more effectively with your spouse.

 

In fact there are numerous books, courses and workshops focused on increasing communication skills between people whether this is in your marriage or at work, communicating effectively seems to be the  key point most experts fall upon.  And though I would agree that being able to communicate with your spouse is important and necessary- it’s how it’s used with the couples that can do the most harm

 

The greatest myth to marital bliss.

 

The current thinking and the greatest myth to marital bliss is if you argue with your partner, then you need to learn how to communicate better specifically, learn how to resolve conflicts as they arise.

 

But you may have noticed that when you are in the mood to fight with your partner or he with you, he’s not exactly in the mood to be reasonable.  But part of the repertoire of our said therapist is to get you  and your spouse to communicate better therefore alleviating any need to fight.  

 

In the midst of fighting, when you’re wanting to win at all costs, when you’re focusing on how hurt you feel, and how your spouse caused this hurt, when you’re bent on proving that you’re right and he’s wrong, and keeping up the silent treatment that’s been raging for over a week, the current thinking is that, if you can calmly and lovingly listen to each other, then marital bliss will once again reign.

 

Not so

 

If you’re at stale mate, or the lines of communication has been shut down, then the last thing you’re going to be able to do is detach enough to be able to listen objectively to your partners wishes and wants.   Yet that’s exactly what you need to be able to do to resolve a conflict, and it’s what a lot of therapists still focus on teaching you both.

 

And it simply doesn’t work.

 

Why not?

 

Because think about what we’ve been discussing here, you’re in a foul mood, and so is he by now, you’ve spent the better half of the morning sniping at each other – and then you go to a marriage therapist who then tells you that you have to sit there and listen whilst your hubby tells you how he feels and he has to sit there and listen to how you feel. 

 

So you tell me, would you be able to do it without getting defensive?

 

Not many if any of us could if we have built up a catalogue of wrongs they have done to make us feel angry or sad or frustrated.

 

So how is this supposed to work?

 

There is a technique called active listening where both parties are supposed to be able to express how they feel to their spouse and their spouse be able to detach from the interaction- much like a therapist would with his patient/ client. 

 

For instance

Mary would say “ I feel upset and lonely when you work so much and aren’t here to help me with the children”

 

Instead of the usual

 

“ You are so selfish always working late when you know we have 3 children who need both of us to put them to bed”

 

In the first example the wife and then the husband will start off using I statements- so as not to project onto her husband inappropriate emotions and be as objective as possible.  This is then supposed to make it easier for him to express himself, hear what she is saying and respond without malice or harm. 

 

In theory it might work, and of course there will be couples where they are able to make this work for them- though I defy anyone who is in the throws of a domestic to be able to do this later, after the argument has stopped but feelings are still raw.   

 

You and your husband are unlikely to be therapists schooled in how to detach and have calmer discussions when one of you is angry or hurt. 

 

And that’s the problem you’re not a therapist- and even if you are, you tend to leave this hat at work when at home.  And as such this technique which is supposed to pull you together, causes a rift.

 

The thing is, the myth that for a successful marriage that you should avoid arguments, and learn how to resolve conflicts.  This sounds great in theory, but in practice most couples aren’t therapists and have therapy type skills in their armour.

 

Couples argue, couples fight and it’s not always an indication that their relationship isn’t a good one.  It’s what’s behind the argument, love or loathing that makes a huge difference.

 

So if you’re wanting to resolve your conflicts- learn how to argue fairly

 

What do I mean?

 

Learn how to argue without throwing any past gripes into the mix.  For instance.  Set rules that say, you can argue about the issue at hand, but once the argument is over it can NEVER  be brought up again. 

 

And if it isn’t resolved for one of the couple then they need to discuss more calmly what they want instead and come to some sort of consensus.

 

There can be no room for harm, personal attacks, or recriminations, emotional blackmail or ‘if you loved me then you’d… type of statements, only a good argument about the issue at hand.

 

Believe me this is the best and cleanest way to have a fight because you know that it is just tussling over a difference of opinion, and not about wounding the other person or getting wounded, where these wounds then  take  months to heal and cause more harm than good.  

 

Learn to fight fair- its the only way.

 

Until the next time. 

 

 

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