Want help in your new relationship? (pt.1)

Want help with your new relationship?- How to avoid 3 of the biggest problems a new relationship can bring.

Being in a new relationship is a mixture of excitement, anticipation, fear and apprehension. This 3 part article shows you what can help you with your new relationship, what threatens your happiness within your new relationship, and what you can do today to avoid 3 of the biggest problems a new relationship can bring.

Part 1- 7 tips that will help your new relationship survive the first few months.

It doesn’t matter who you are and how much experience you have, if you’re in a new relationship then the rules that you had before no longer count, you’re starting over again and who knows how it will end – this time.
Getting help with your new relationship is the best and the right thing to do, and because you’re reading this, it shows that you’re ready to cover all the bases and learn how to do what’s best for you and your new relationship.
So let’s get started- what do you need to be aware of?

The first problem- Your Past Experiences

Learn how to recognise habitual reactions and you can help your relationship thrive

How you were treated in a previous relationship, especially if it was a serious one, colours how you treat your present partner. It also colours how you react to the things he does and why, if you’re not aware of this, how it could undermine your happiness.

I don’t know if you are aware of this or not, but you are really the sum total of your past experiences, and as much as you may want to avoid doing things that hurt or hamper your new relationship- some of the habitual reactions you have, will do just that, if you’re not careful.

Take this as an example, you’re happily engaging with your new partner and he says something- quite innocently and suddenly you react. You feel your mood change- for the worse, and you don’t really know why, all you know is that you’re in the middle of an argument with the love of your life and now you feel bad.
So what happened to change a perfectly comfortable exchange of ideas into an argument?

Your past experiences!

As I’ve said in the opening, your reactions, your thoughts, your views, your likes and dislikes are not only based on your upbringing, but also on how your previous partner/ husband treated you. So much so that now you are triggered to react in the same way, given the same or similar circumstance.

Don’t believe me?

Think of a time when all of a sudden a normal interaction with your partner turned ugly? Maybe you can pinpoint exactly what he did that got things all riled up or maybe you can’t. But when you think about some of those times, what about it reminds you of your past relationship? How is your reaction the same/ similar as it was in the past? What does he do or not do that makes you see red?

To help you in your new relationship there are some things you need to know.

Tip 1 that will help your new relationship in the first few months

Awareness- Heighten your awareness of how your expectations can set a negative expectation

You need to be aware that no matter how much you may try, you will expect- even at a deeper level, your new partner to do things just like your previous partner did. This is especially true if your past relationship ended before you were ready for it to end, say your partner passed away, or he ended things out of the blue.

And if your present partner does things that remind you of your previous relationship then, that may trigger a reaction similar to what you’ve had before, which may start to have a negative effect on your relationship. On the other hand your present partner may not do things that you liked from your previous relationship, and this too can trigger a negative reaction from you.

It’s a conundrum.

So now that you are aware of this, really think about where your reactions come from, why do you react in the way you do? Is it because that behaviour really has you triggered? Because, if it has then you will need to start afresh.

Tip 2 that will help your new relationship in the first few months

Start afresh- so you can let go of all expectations

Start telling yourself that no matter what is happening now in your relationship you are with a different man even though he does some things the same as you’ve already experienced.
You’re with a different man, with different values and only because he’s human does he have any similarity to your previous partner.

Tell yourself this; over and over until you believe it- it may just save your relationship!

Now, I know this can be quite a challenge- but if you’re not too careful you will unconsciously be wanting your partner to change because that’s what feel most familiar and most comfortable for you. And of course this isn’t just you, your partner could have similar expectations.
When you start afresh this less likely to take hold and negatively affect your relationship.

Tip 3 that will help your new relationship in the first few months

Communicate with openness and honesty

There are two things I’d like you to do that will help your new relationship and they both rely on you being able to communicate with openness and honesty.

The first thing I’d like you to do is to write down all the things you didn’t like in your past relationship and then talk about them, openly with your new partner. The second thing is to write down all the things you do like-all the things that make you feel loved etc and then talk about them openly with your partner as well.

This is to help you both understand each other and it will bring you closer together. Of course this isn’t just something for you to do, both of you doing it will be more effective.

Take the plunge and get over the initial shock of opening up and revealing hidden parts of you

This may or may not be easy for you especially if you’ve not been used to being so vulnerable in your relationships before, or if you feel awkward expressing deep feelings. And all I can say is that it works- so try it!
If you feel too vulnerable and too exposed doing this, then take it gently and start off with something easy, eventually this will feel okay.

Tip 4 that will help your new relationship in the first few months

Learn how to negotiate

It goes without saying that no matter how much you love your partner- there are going to be areas in which you disagree, and some of those disagreements can spill over into heated arguments.
So, for areas of disagreement negotiate so it’s as win win as possible.

I don’t know whether you see yourself as a negotiator or not- I know it was something that took me a long time to understand how to do, and feel okay about doing, and from the experiences of my clients, this is a must have skill for every relationship.

Create more harmony by negotiating well

One of the main reasons to be willing to negotiate, is to help create more harmony in your relationship. And the reality is, if you want a more harmonious relationship there are some things you will need to negotiate on.

Read books to help you progress

There are lots of books out there on how to negotiate, but in practice within your relationship, it’s about being willing to talk about and talk through what you really want, and making sure that you get what’s most important to you.

Now this might sound a bit harsh- but it’s also about making sure that you take care of your needs and really go for what you want, and allow our partner to take care of his needs and for him to tell you what he wants.

The trick is to be able to do this without arguing, falling out, or being spiteful- ( if you want some help with this just give me a call)

Tip 5 that will help your new relationship in the first few months

Learn how to accept the things you can’t change

There are things that your partner will do that will frankly annoy you. And experience has shown that no matter how much you push for change, certain things will stay the same. With this ask yourself if what he is doing is really bad for your relationship or not. You may find that even though that behaviour annoys you, it doesn’t affect the wellbeing of your relationship you just don’t like it– so in this case let it go and ignore it.

If you’ve believe that for a relationship to work you have to see eye to eye on everything, then it’s going to make it really difficult to let go of things that your partner values which you don’t. In this case the temptation to want to change him will be too great, and your behaviour will signal to him that you don’t approve and somehow he’s just good enough.

What to ask yourself to help your relationship stay on track
Is what he doing harming our relationship or not?

A simple question, which focuses you on whether that particular behaviour is really harming the happiness of your new relationship or not.

I can’t stress this point enough- if it isn’t harming your relationship then let it go.
And as much as this can be hard to live with- once you accept that there are things you just cannot change, it’s easier for you to get on with being happy and focusing on those things you can change. ( Which by the way are all the things about you!)

Tip 6 that will help your new relationship in the first few months

Say goodbye to the past so you can have a brighter future

If as I have said before, your past relationship had been good and you weren’t ready for it to end, then it will be even more difficult for you to let go and say goodbye than if your relationship had been awful.
As much as you may not want to, it’s time to say goodbye to the past and start anew. And a really good way to do this is through a letting go ritual.

Use a letting go ritual to make changes that move you forward

Start to think of things about you that have stayed the same and start to make some changes. Change your hair style, add a new style of clothes, go to places you wouldn’t normally go to. Do what you can to create some change in your appearance and your behaviour.

When you do this, it will help you to be a different person than you were with your other partner- and makes it easier to accept the relationship you have now. You will now be more open to look at things differently, do things differently and create more of a connection with your new partner- and this can only be a good thing.

Tip 7 that will help your new relationship in the first few months

Get coached

Of course I’m going to advocate coaching because it works. Being coached will help you get a new perspective on your present situation, allows you to see things about your behaviour and attitude that may be getting in your way, and gives you some tools and strategies to try that help you create what you want within your relationship.

The reason for coaching

Whether you like to admit it or not, you like me, have baggage. And this baggage can get in the way. Coaching helps to let go of past sensitive areas, things that may have hurt you in the past, things you don’t yet feel comfortable enough to share with your new partner, and also things that could be a threat to your happiness.

You’ll leave feeling more in control, knowing how to create the kind of relationship you want, and a way to keep love and harmony over the long term. Plus there’s nothing like being complimented and envied because you have a great man at home!

Tip 8 that will help your new relationship in the first few months

Take your time to settle and you’ll give yourself the best chance of helping your relationship

There’s only one thing for me to say to you here and that’s give yourself time to adjust to your new situation and new person in your life. That’s it!

Okay my gutsy or soon to be gutsy girl- time to go – but before I go, remember that the first problem that can get in the way of your new relationship is your past experiences and by using these 7 tips you’ll be well on your way to creating the kind of relationship your friends will envy and that you will love.

In part 2- I’ll talk to you body image, aging and sex- how this can be a hot bed of insecurities, fears, anxieties which can threaten even the most stable of couples.

Until then- if you found this useful and would like some coaching to help you move forward then please feel free to call me. If, you have any questions about this, then drop me an email- and I’ll be glad to answer them.