What Do Marital Problems Really Mean?

Posted: May 31st, 2009 | Author: admin | Filed under: Marriage help and advice | Tags: marital problems |

What Do Marital Problems Really Mean?

 

How many tips, hints and strategies have you tried to get your relationship back on track?  How many books, courses and seminars have you been to with or without your spouse to ‘save’ your marriage?

 

The reason I ask is because I wonder if you’ve considered what marital problems really mean.  What I’d like you to think about is that on the one hand marital problems could be down to lack of time spent with each other, so you grow apart,  or stress at work spilling over into your life, so you argue more,  taking each other for granted, so resentment is built up or even hurt or anger from unresolved issues.

 

 And even though these are serious, at least can be serious for any relationship- have you considered that you’re with the wrong man and that’s what marital problems you’re having really mean?

 

One indication that you’re with the wrong man

 

Let me ask you another question-

 

“Thinking about your present relationship- can you be completely yourself and be loved”?

 

This question alone will, when answered honestly, tell you whether you are with the right man or not.  Because despite all the problems couples go through like the ones mentioned above, they can be solved, with willingness and commitment to the relationship.  But if when you’ve answered the above question, about whether you can be completely yourself and be loved,  and it comes back to you that no you can’t, that is THE indication that the marital problems you are going through is  serious. 

 

It is so serious that I would ask you to consider whether you are really with the right man.

 

Let me talk you through some of the answers that I’ve heard before to help you understand your own answer.

 

“I don’t know, I mean I think so” – This tells you that she is so unsure what being herself is and in itself isn’t a great indication of her life with her partner.

 

“ Yes sometimes, it depends on his mood”- which means she isn’t able to be express who she really is and relax by being herself  some of the time.  

 

“ Yes I can but I do worry sometimes that he will not like me because I’m being a pain or something” tells us that she has a slight insecurity about being herself and maybe she will be holding something back.

 

In each one of these answers, each woman indicated that being herself carried with it some insecurity about what that would mean for the relationship and you can tell that they would be holding part of their real selves back from that relationship,  which of course isn’t a good sign.

 

It is so important that you are able to be yourself because that is what allows you to attract the right kind of man.  You see, your self esteem and your confidence are tied into how much you allow yourself to be yourself.

 

And when I say you allow yourself to be yourself, I mean that it is you who stops you from being you.  Now I know that can sound harsh, and as controlling as some men can be, it is you who decides how to react to his behaviour and at a deeper level you are allowing less of you to be known.

 

Of course it goes without saying that you have to feel safe before you will be your complete self, and this is how you really do know, not only from the answer you gave to the question I asked,  but how safe you feel you can be yourself with the man you’re with.

 

The hardest thing for any of my clients, and I suppose this may apply to you as well, is risking rejection if you feel that by being yourself you won’t be completely accepted.  Because the acceptance from the man you’re with, is very important, and it tells you  whether you believe you are worthy of being loved.

 

I won’t go into it too much here, I’ll talk about this at another time, but part of being yourself in a relationship does depend to a large degree whether you feel you are worthy of being loved, and if you are rejected whether you can handle it.  So you can see that the fear of rejection will to a large extent dictate whether you feel you can be yourself. And if you are not with the right man then this will make it even harder for you.  

 

Back to my original point. 

 

If you are only yourself under certain conditions the next question I want to ask you is:

 

“ What would need to happen for you to feel comfortable  being your complete self in your / a relationship?”

 

List your answers. 

 

And if you want to know what to do next and how to answer the second part of the question …. an still be loved… get in touch with me by leaving a comment/ question below.

 

Until the next time…

 

 

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