What To Do With A Guy Who Won’t/ Can’t Commit

Posted: May 26th, 2009 | Author: admin | Filed under: Men in Relationships |

First he wants you then he leaves you- Are you in love with a commitment phobic guy?  Part 3

 

In part 2 of this series, I talked about the 4 dangerous points in a relationship where our commitment phobic guy could potentially derail your relationship with him.  And ended by saying we would cover where you could be making things worse for yourself and how to navigate your way from a man who won’t or can’t commit to you.

 

It all starts at the beginning – with you.

 

Have you ever dated someone whom you felt okay about but it was obvious from his behaviour that he was more keen than you were?  If you have then you may then have been flattered by his attention and gave in just because of that, or because he seemed okay.

 

Even if you liked him as much as you thought he liked you, chances are that if you have been attracted to a commitment phobic guy, then your behaviour, later on,  would signal that something was not quite right in the relationship, but couldn’t quite put your finger on.

 

At first you may have been confused about he messages you were receiving- what he said and what he did were not congruent with each other, and then took one of two paths.  You either confronted him and he left, and you blamed yourself, or you didn’t confront him and he still left and you blamed yourself for not addressing the issue earlier.  Either way, you have been left feeling confused and slightly more insecure because of the turn up of events.

 

And the fact that you may know intellectually that this wasn’t your fault, that it was him who wouldn’t commit, you will still tend to turn things back on yourself and rack your brain for a reason why it could have happened, the conclusion being that somehow it was something you did or didn’t do that caused the relationship to fail.

 

When things are too good, he gets running

 

What you may not realise is that it’s the opposite reason why he left- things were working out, things between you were too good, he could sense the time to commit to you approaching and that was his trigger to double back and run.

 

And now we get to the tricky part for you.

 

Instead of realising that you were okay in all of this, you were warm enough, good enough, attentive enough and loving enough, his behaviour makes you doubt you and your ability to keep a man happy, and not leave you.

 

And this is when you decide that in order to stop him from running, in order to get him back, the answer is for you to be even more attentive, even more loving and even more accomodating,  which with this type of man, simply doesn’t work, it is counter productive.  They do not want to settle down and commit- for one reason or another they can’t- so you becoming even more ‘perfect’ only makes things worse.

 

If you have found yourself in this confusing situation and every instinct is to try and get him back, I think you need to ask yourself whether in your hearts of hearts you believe you can keep this man who doesn’t want to commit or as painful as it is, whether the best thing is to let him go.

 

Obviously this is easier said than done,  and the first thing I can tell you to help you navigate your way around this situation is develop a plan.  Because if you recognise that you are with a commitment phobic guy, and it’s been a few months to a few years in your relationship- a plan can help.  

 

Plan to navigate around or away from a commitment phobic guy.

 

Step 1: Identify the types of men who present a challenge when it comes to relationships learning how they think, what typical things they say and which behaviours are typical of these kinds of men.

 

Step 2: Use your past experiences to determine whether the man or men you’ve dated, lived with or married to, was ever going to or ever able to change.

 

Step 3: Decide for yourself what kind of relationship you really want and the type you really need.  Write this out so you know when a man comes close to matching it.

 

Step 4:  Build up your sense of self, your self esteem and self confidence so that you don’t get overly hurt if you decide that a commitment phobic guy is for you- despite how he behaves.  

 

Step 5: Develop a strong sense of independence where you refuse to take on board responsibility for these kinds of men and learn how to detach from their behaviour

 

Step 6: Decide how you want to be treated and make sure you ‘make’ him treat you this way.

 

Additional step

 

Learn what makes men tick- this will arm you with the necessary knowledge and strategies, to make this easier for you.

 

Being with a commitment phobic guy isn’t easy and I’m not saying you should necessarily leave him,  this is your choice.  What I am saying is that you have an even bigger challenge living with and loving this type of man, and if you want to do this, or feel it’s too late he has your heart, then there are things you can do.

 

I will be sharing with you a resource you can refer to which will give you some grounding and then access to a coaching course I run to help women to first of all stop wasting years of their life on the wrong men, and later advanced coaching course which teaches you the real things you can do to turn things around in your relationship- I’ll let you know about this,  very soon. 

 

Until then what are your experiences of men who won’t or can’t commit?  Have you had your heart broken or did you find a way to deal with it?  Did you leave him or did he leave you?  And if so how did you cope with the break up?  If you stayed knowing he was scared of committing what do you do to make this work for you?

 

I look forward to your comments.  

 

Until the next time…

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