Why you can’t live happily ever after unless you do two essential things first Pt 6 of 6
Posted: April 10th, 2009 | Author: admin | Filed under: Signs of an unhealthy relationship | Tags: compatibility and relationship priorities |
10 warning signs of an unhealthy relationship- (Pt6/6Tutorial)
Why you can’t live happily ever after without first taking care of two essential things
So far in the previous posts you have had 8 of the 10 signs of an unhealthy relationship. You’ve been given strategies and tools to use to improve your relationship and you now have added awareness of the dangers that could be lurking in your relationship.
In today’s session we’ll concentrate on the last two signs of an unhealthy relationship; priorities and compatibility. These two areas alone can make or break a relationship and therefore is very important that you pay them extra attention.
What this course is about
· Highlighting for you what contributes to an unhealthy relationship
· Giving you specific strategies to use to improve areas of your relationship
· Changing your mindset and attitude to how much you can do to keep your relationship healthy, happy and stress free.
Why you can’t live happily ever after without first taking care of two essential things
As you know I have been speaking to some of the top relationship experts out there and they have kindly shared their insights and experience when it comes to having a great relationship. And as much as they all differ in certain respects about what it takes, they all agree that not paying the relationship enough attention is detrimental to it’s longevity- you simply won’t be happy without doing this.
The essentials to a happier and more fulfilling relationship- your priorities are you ready to put your relationship first?
If I were to ask you where your priorities are in your life where would having and sustaining a loving and fulfilling relationship figure? Would it be Number 1? Number 6? Or would you say that now that you’re married you don’t need to think about it any longer- it will just tick along nicely and so it’s not really on your list of priorities?
Believe this or not, if you are not focusing on your relationship, working to make it better, stronger more loving or whatever is important to you everyday, then you are setting yourself up to fail, looking back and wondering what happened.
The myth of how you have a happy marriage
For some time now I have been noticing a trend in attitude in my clients who have relationship issues and it’s that either one or both of the couple don’t believe that a marriage takes work. They believe that the work is all about getting married and once you’ve tied the knot, the marriage should just work, and if it doesn’t it is because you have chosen the wrong partner. If you have chosen the wrong partner, then all you can do is put up with it or trade him in for a newer model seeing if it works out better the second or third time around.
Well the myth is just that a myth. There isn’t any area of your life where if you don’t put some effort into it, it will work. If you don’t teach your child good manners, then they won’t have any. If you don’t exercise then you won’t be as fit as you could be. If you don’t keep your skills up to date for your job then you won’t have an exciting career and you may become unemployable. And it is the same for a relationship. Making your relationship less of a priority just because you are married now and other things are more urgent, means you are neglecting it- which of course over time leads to the failure of the relationship.
As harsh as it sounds to make your married life a happy ever after, your priorities need to change as far as your relationship is concerned. Happily married couples have figured out what works for them, and even though it may be different things from couple to couple, what they all have in common is the level of importance they have placed on their relationship with their partner.
5 minute a day relationship cure
I’ve mentioned before about spending time with your partner, and believe when I say that if you are a busy couple 5 minutes will make a difference. And the easiest way for this to happen is to make your relationship a higher priority, not just because there are problems, not just because you are having issues, or even because I or other experts tell you this, but because logically if you spend time bonding with your partner, you will have a stronger union which will weather any relationship storm.
Each day spend an extra 5 minutes doing things that make your partner smile- and they do the same for you.
Spend an extra 5 minutes more saying things that your partner wants to hear.
Spend an extra 5 minutes hugging each other, listening, joking, laughing, holding hands….
The activity doesn’t matter, the intent, to spend an extra 5 minutes and then another extra 5 minutes bonding with your partner make all the difference.
Incompatibility – are you really that compatible? 3 questions you should ask yourself before you commit even more.
All said and done, everything comes down to how compatible you and your partner are with each other, because if you aren’t then nothing will work over the long term, because how could it?
Compatibility is how much you and your partner have in common, incompatibility meaning that you have so little in common that you are at odds with each other and I’m sure you know what that feels like already.
So to help you decide just how compatible you both are I’m going to ask you three questions:
1. What’s most important to you in a/your relationship?
2. How satisfied are you with…..?
3. How much does he share the important things to you?
Let’s start with the first question.
1. What’s most important to you in a/your relationship?
When you think about the answer to the question what comes to mind?
Being together
Love
Intimacy
intelligent partner
Fun
Laughter
Sharing the same interests
A non smoker
Keeps himself fit
Team work
Add yours here…
Whatever it is, whatever comes to mind write them down and mark out of 10 whether your partner thinks this is important to him.
If you end up with a long list choose the top 10 most important to you and concentrate with those.
2. How satisfied are you with…..?
Your partners appearance?
How much he helps you around the house?
How much he earns?
His work ethic?
How much time he spends with you?
The level of commitment?
His attitude toward you?
Your sex life?
The quality of your love making?
Add yours here…… and mark out of 10 as above.
3. How much does he share the important things to you about ?
Children
Finances
Goals in life
Your future together
Family life
Extended family life
Health
Communication
Holidays
Add yours here…..
How to do this
The first question is a general question highlighting what is known as your values. These are the things you are looking for in a relationship and may not always be aware of the fact that you are but they drive your behaviour. For instance when you first get into a relationship with someone you will be looking to see whether they tick all of your boxes- do they make you laugh- if laughter is important to you. Do you share the same interests- if this is important to you and so on.
If they get past the first stage, then you’ll start focusing on the details of how he measures up. For instance in the second question you are assessing whether you are satisfied ( marks out of 10 – 10 being very satisfied and 1-not being satisfied at all) with his appearance, his work ethic etc and subconsciously you will be marking him out of 10- 10 being your idea of perfection.
The lower the mark the more you will be dissatisfied with this and it may be having a negative effect on your sense of love and fulfilment.
In the 3rd question you will be assessing how much you both agree on those areas that are most important, like having children. Does he want any? If so does he want the same number as you? When does he want them? When do you? And so on.
The point of this is for you to have an objective view of the man you’re in love with and plan to spend the rest of your life together with or the man you’ve ended up with. 
Once you have gone through the exercise- go through this with your partner, you will then be able to compare just how similar or not the both of you are.
And regardless what your answers are, if you find that what’s most important to you isn’t what is most important to him, BUT YOU are both willing to work on that issue, then you will both be in a great place to make your relationship as good as it can be.
Now, if you do find areas of irreconcilable differences BUT you both want the relationship to work- then seek professional assistance through a coach, counsellor or other relationship expert.
Doing these exercises really do make a difference and isn’t that worth it when it potentially can save a marriage.
Summary
Being in a relationship with something nagging at you in the background of your mind, not only causes you to feel uneasy, but can eat away at the love within your relationship. So being aware of the 10 signs an unhealthy relationship will give you added support when it comes to making the best relationship you can.
If you have been following the exercises throughout this mini course then you will have so much more awareness and so many more strategies you can use to help your relationship improve. Obviously you can only do so much on your own, but even that can make all the difference because a change in you can create a change in him.
Both myself and my clients have seen the difference this has made to our lives- be the next to see this happening for yourself.
So have a re-read of the 10 warning signs of an unhealthy relationship, do the exercises and if you want any more assistance or guidance, please email me for help.
Until the next time….
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